My Creative/Artistic Self and Dysfunctional Family Stuff

My family has never been supportive of my artistic or creative work. After a long period of that, being diminished and ignored, I really would not look to them to be supportive, loving, kind, or good about anything that I really care about. I tend to share less and less as the years have gone by and I have to say they don’t seem to notice that I don’t share about my heart and what fills me with joy with them. Since that is so important to me and to my life, it makes it hard a lot of the time to find something to talk about, since so much of it is private and needs to be protected from them.

One time I did try to describe the inner creative process to one of my brothers and he burst out laughing and after my asking him repeatedly to share what he found funny and why, he made fun of me and the way that I had chosen to talk about my collage artwork.

I really have to admit that he broke my heart. That’s my family… and that in no way is diminishing how much he and they have hurt me and hurt my heart. That’s my family… they break my heart. Interacting with them means being self-protective of my life, myself, my creative self, my thoughts, my emotions, my beliefs, and so much more.

Sometimes it just leaks out of me, and I can’t stop myself from sharing, and it doesn’t go good and it doesn’t lead to good. It’s sad to me that sometimes I can’t stop myself or us from sharing things with our family and that it leads to more pain, more hurt, and more of a broken heart. It’s so sad to me that this is my family.

I don’t tolerate anything from my sister and when I started seeing her again almost three years ago, after not associating with her for almost ten years,  I promised myself that I was not going to endure another incident of emotional/verbal abuse from her and that if it happened I would never see her again. She hasn’t. Bizarrely she hasn’t. But I can’t talk to her about all the pain that she has caused me and how all that pain is still inside of me/us and how much it still hurts and how she derailed my life, many times, and made it so hard for me to have self-respect or self-love, because she undermined and humiliated me and verbally/emotionally abused me all my life and how my mother was my primary abuser and bully and how my sister was her toady, until I cut her out of my life. Part of her doesn’t know, part of her doesn’t care, part of her loves being clueless, part of her loved and still loves being both of our parents favorite little girl, part of her has cut me off when I’ve tried to explain in the past, and part of her would hurt if I tried to talk to her about it all now. I know, because I have tried.

One of my other brothers routinely makes fun of me, the things that I say, my politics, my beliefs, facts that I relate from studies, if I have to pause while finding the right words, etc, etc, etc. I limit him in my life, but even a little bit means emotional and verbal abuse. He only gets a little bit of me. After a few conversations in the last couple months I have decided to start hanging up on him again, it is the only way to have a healthy boundary with him.

The worst part of this all is that these are the two brothers who have the most interactions with me in my life right now. They have collectively done the most for me and at different times been my best support. They wound me and that is the best I am getting. Saying no means absolutely nothing.

My brother that shouts at me on the phone refuses to stop shouting at me, insulting me, demeaning me, misrepresenting me, and mischaracterizing me, no matter what I say to him. If I thought the things about him that he thinks about me, I would never have anything to do with that kind of person, I would hate that kind of person, I certainly would not have even one phone conversation with them.

I know all of it is lies, but it makes me wonder why he feels the need to be thinking so little of me and still associate with me. I don’t want to have anything to do with him, but then he acts like he cares about me, but then turns around and treats me like excrement. I know he finds it highly enjoyable, but I don’t. He is going to get the click on the phone line the next time we talk, if he goes there.

Healing Quotes Littles 585

“And softness came from the starlight and filled me full to the bone.”
~ W.B. Yeats, The Wanderings of Oisin

Art Therapy & Creative Healing Projects 16

Crayon Painting

Yarn Painting

DIY Calm Bottle

Suspended Bead Calm Bottle

Kinetic Sand Self Portraits

Morse Code Bracelet

Clay Beads for M.C. Bracelet

6 Art Exercises:

Inner Child Art

Affirmation Cards

Love Letter to Self

Safety Boxes

Buddha Board

Create Vision Board

Paint a Self Portrait

Inner & Outer Self Masks

10 Art Therapy Techniques:

Create a Dream Guardian

Craft a Memory Rock

Create a Guisseppe Arcimboldo

Paint a Mirror or Window

Journal Entry into Art

Draw Your Spirit Animal

Art Therapy & Creative Healing Projects Archive

Art Therapy & Creative Healing Projects 15

Make a Grounding Box

Love Catchers instead of Dream Catchers

Art Therapy to Destress Ideas:

Design a Postcard

Cut & Paste a Painting

Draw in Total Darkness

Watercolor Your Bodily State

Make a Permission Slip

Forgiveness Box for Self

An Altar/Totem to Self/Child Self

20 Art Therapy Activities:

String Prayer/Meditation Beads

Draw in Response to Music

Collage from Quote

Color Your Feelings

Map of Your Heart

Rake Beach Sand

Create Potable Affirmation or Quote

Chalk Pain Writing, then Wash Away

Art Therapy & Creative Healing Projects Archive

Art Therapy and Creative Healing 14

Treasure Bag

Your Birthday Tree

Garden Hose Labyrinth

Easy Silkscreen Tutorial

Make a Star Medal

Recycled Custom Trophies

Child with Crown Wood Transfer

Richard Shilling’s Land Art Blog

Goldworthy Inspired Nature Art

Land Art

Nature Art

Beach Land Art

Forest Land Art

Winter Land Art

Outdoor Fall Land Art

Coffee Table Rock Art

Using Art for Healing

Art Therapy Process (Painting)

Recovery Rituals in Art Therapy

Art Therapy Benefits for Sexually Abused Adults

Benefits of Art Therapy for Adult Survivors of Sexual Abuse

Art Therapy and Creative Healing Projects Archive

Songs for Self(ves) 42

My Cherie Amour

by Stevie Wonder

La la la la la la, La la la la la la

My cherie amour, lovely as a summer day
My cherie amour, distant as the milky way
My cherie amour, pretty little one that I adore
You’re the only girl my heart beats for
How I wish that you were mine

In a cafe or sometimes on a crowded street
I’ve been near you, but you never noticed me
My cherie amour, won’t you tell me how could you ignore
That behind that little smile I wore
How I wish that you were mine

La la la la la la, La la la la la la
La la la la la la, La la la la la la

Maybe someday, you’ll see my face among the crowd
Maybe someday, I’ll share your little distant cloud
Oh, cherie amour, pretty little one that I adore
You’re the only girl my heart beats for
How I wish that you were mine

La la la la la la, La la la la la la
La la la la la la, La la la la la la

My Poetry

Being Many

many petals
on one flower

many branches
on one tree

many threads
on one tapestry

many pieces
on one quilt
one whole

many people
in one body
one person

many parts
one whole
one me

~ Kate

Polyvore Membership

So I finally retrieved my polyvore membership. Surprisingly even though I had not ever made an collages, I still had a membership there from three years ago.

Here is my profile page at Polyvore: Kate1975.

I am going through the same anxiety that I did three years ago when I created my membership there. There aren’t any directions. I know that I usually can figure stuff out, but there aren’t directions. On wordpress there are directions and even though some of those are very confusing and disturbing, I can most of the time figure out how to do something. Not true with Polyvore.

I was searching online for some kind of tutorials or explanations and can’t find anything that actually explains how to make it work. I think the kind of collages I want to make will work best when using the Template. But there are no directions on that page on how to upload pictures to the template. Simple stuff like this without directions is way beyond me. It always has been, especially when it is on the computer.

I did manage to create one collage. I tried more stuff, but I couldn’t get the pictures to get bigger or smaller. I couldn’t figure out a lot of stuff. I couldn’t figure out how to add text. It was incredibly aggravating. I searched for explanations at the site, but couldn’t find anything that helped.

Any help would be appreciated. I’d like to try to learn how to use this site, but I really need help to figure it out.

Creativity and Survivorhood

We are all creative. I think that creativity is an intrinsic part of life. We might have known this inside ourselves when we were children, but I believe it got shamed out of us.

I remember when I first started working on healing from ritual abuse. I was in the process of joining a support group for ritual abuse survivors, that was moderated by two women at the local sexual assault and abuse center. I had a one-on-one session with one of the women who had previously helped me find a therapist, with a referral to the therapist who worked at the center. I told her that I wished I could be creative and could create things and yearned to be creative so much. She looked at me and said, “well I don’t see that, everything about you is creative; the way you talk, the way you dress, the way you move through the world, you are creative. Give it some time, you will become more outwardly creative in other ways as well.”

I can’t say that I can see what she saw, even after all my healing work. But what I know is that I am creative and that it has been instrumental in my healing from childhood sexual abuse. What I also know that belief in creativity or being creative has very little to do with doing creative healing work and how effective it can be in healing from childhood sexual abuse.

Surprisingly I’ve been able to write a few poems lately sort of effortlessly. That has been incredibly wonderful and wonderfully shocking. So happy. I believe that I will be able to do it much more after moving.

I’ve been doing more creative expressions while doing Reiki distance healing work and Reiki energy healing on myself as well. I have been doing singing during sessions and am figuring out what I have been doing instinctively. It’s helping me to understand the value in my singing and toning and chanting during healing sessions. Seeing the energy healing work that I do as creative is helping me to understand and accept myself even further and deeper and to value myself much more.

I have plans on doing more creative healing work in the next months. I’m really excited and really looking forward to this next year. I will definitely be posting more about that and projects as time goes on.

A Pretty Little Purse

A couple of weeks ago I was at the coffeeshop and met two women crafters. One had a lovely small purse, it had two colors and it was captivating. I thought it might be wonderful as a decoration in my bedroom. I asked about it and was told that the other woman with her made it. I asked her all about the purse and she explained how it was crocheted around a clothesline rope and then attached around in a circle to form the basket shape. She showed me the stitching as she explained. I asked her if she could make one with baby blue shading into purple. She said that she could and gave me her number on a card.

When I called and asked for her I got some guy, probably her husband. He was abrupt, rude, and insulting. I don’t want his negative energy in my home space. Now I won’t be able to think of the nice woman and her nice crafts and her beautiful little purse if I had one. I’ll be thinking of him and what an ass he was. I won’t be buying that cute little purse.