What Would You Say

Recently on Tumblr I came across a post that was re-blogged several times that asked the question, what would you say to your abuser, and assume that they are capable of hearing and understanding you. I read this several times over several days and usually my response is the same as the one I have always had, I cannot assume that they can hear and understand or care for or about me or anything that I say or do. To my way of thinking, that negates the possibility of my trying to communicate anything to them.

The first time that I ever came across this idea in therapy was with a truly incompetent therapist who kept insisting over and over that I imagine my older brother, who sexually abused me, in the chair next to me in her tiny, claustrophobic office. I kept insisting over and over that I would not imagine him in the office, will not ever do so, and will leave the office if she continued to insist that I tell him anything of the damage he had done to me by sexually abusing me as a child and betraying me. I kept getting louder and louder and ruder and ruder, until I couldn’t stop myself from going into a panic attack.

Saying I was leaving unless she stopped was what made her stop. But really I knew before that that she wasn’t very good, but this instance of abuse really made me know I needed to find a therapist who was competent. Anyone who thinks that their opinion/education matters more than what the client is saying is an atrocious person/clinician. Anyone who pushes their client onto the edge of panic and then pushes them over and violates their stated boundaries when they are being clear is incompetent and abusive.

So imagining myself talking or writing to my abusers, about what they have done to me, has never been high on my list of healing choices, actually it’s not on my list at all, though I totally respect other survivors making that choice and I have total respect for other survivors. Peace and love babes to you all.

Well I think I came across the post quite a few times until an answer finally came to me in my mind on what I would actually do, if I were capable of believing they were capable of being a human being and if I were willing to share with them and this is it:

Me and all of them, alone in a huge empty room, lit up, with no furniture. We would all be sitting on the floor. They would be far away from me and unable to speak to me or come near me or touch me or hurt me.

I would scream for five minutes, or perhaps five days. Just scream. At the terror of a person that they were, at the terror that they had brought into my tiny, little life, at the terror that I carry inside of my body, my mind, my soul because of them, at the terror that they have made of my daily life.

Then I would cry for five minutes, or five days. And they would have to see it and they would have to witness it and they could not turn away, they could not stop hearing me, the pain, all the different kinds of pain they have caused me, and it would crawl inside of them and make their existence unbearable, unendurable.

Then I would communicate all the emotions that they put me through telepathically for five minutes or maybe five days. And there would be nowhere that they could run and hide to escape the torture they had put me through; emotionally, psychically, physically, socially, mentally, emotionally, sexually.

Then I would stand up and turn my back and my backside to them. By turning my back to them I am saying you mean nothing to me, I consider you no threat in my life, I am so safe from you that I can turn my back on you, I turn my back on you as a relative, as a human being, as a being, you are nothing to me, you never will be. Everything that I am inside and in the world is despite you and your impact on me, you gave me nothing of worth or value and that is how I see you.

As I would walk away they would see my backside and by showing them my backside I am saying the deepest insult that I can to them, I walk away from you, I won’t face you, you don’t deserve me, for eternity I walk away from you, for eternity I reject you, I reject everything you say, do, everything that you are.

And that is what I would do.

They don’t deserve my words.

Healing Poems 215

Untitled

“I am not my body. My body is nothing without me.” Tom Stoppard

I am a soul

Full of life, light, and energy.

I am a mind. 

Hungry for knowledge; highly inquisitive; constantly thinking; perpetually processing.

I am a spirit. 

Awash with feeling; driven by passion; inspired by those I love.

My body is not but a vessel, carrying my essence.

Without me, my body is nothing but a mass of elements and water. 

Without my soul, mind, and spirit, my body is lifeless. 

I am not defined by the size of my body, or my weight on the scale.

I am defined by the size of my heart and the weight of my words. 

I am defined by my attitude and morals, by character and the way in which I treat others.

I am defined by who I am, not my body.

We are of infinite worth.
This rings true for everyone, everywhere, forevermore. 

http://the-healing-nest.tumblr.com/post/2772907682/i-am-not-my-body-my-body-is-nothing-without-me

Healing Quotes Littles 469

“If you ever find yourself in the wrong story,

leave.
.
~ Mo Willems

Let’s Just Call It Casual

be aware:

physical abuse while a fetus and a pre-schooler

All of my life I have had issues with clothing being too tight and it causing me an increase in pain. I tend to wear very loose clothing and often casual wear, especially because they cost less and they are more comfortable and they are better for bike riding.

I know that I’ve written before about health issues that I was born with due to issues while in the womb. My mother had tried to end my life, often, by physically assaulting me while I was inside of her. Because of that the cord became wrapped around me and impeded my healthy growth and movements within the womb. I had issues with my arms and legs by the time I was born and doctors told my parents that they were unsure if I would ever be able to walk by myself. Within a few days the doctors were feeling much more positive. My hands and legs were moving freely and they were believing that my much improvement would continue.

I still have problems with my arms, and legs, neck and shoulders, and back. I believe that part of this is due to my earliest physical abuses by my female parent whilst I was still inside of her womb. I remember her physically abusing me for years after my birth. When I was five she physically assaulted me and caused the damage in my spine that causes most of my problems. But I think it is important to note that a woman who will physically try to abort her fetus by physically assaulting it is not a person who would balk at further abusing her child later in life.

My Advocate from the women’s shelter, two years ago, told me that I needed to stop wearing such raggy-baggy clothes. She’s not the first person to describe my clothing style as raggy-baggy. When you’re poor and only loose clothing are comfortable due to health issues, raggy-baggy may well be a good way of describing the essentials of comfort clothing.

My Advocate had insisted that I wear a really nice outfit when we went to my apartment appointment with the building manager. The clothes she gave me were way too tight and painful and even though I managed to wear them for a couple of hours, it was excruciating. I’m sure that there are tons of people who wear clothes that are snug, but I am unable to. The outfit sits in my closet. I really wouldn’t wear them again. I don’t own anything else as tight, that I have actually worn.

For Christmas Eve dinner, last year, I dressed up in a wonderful long black skirt, very loose, with a lovely green stretchy blouse and loose light red sweater. It was the first time that I have dressed up since the apartment application appointment.

Loose clothing has always helped me my whole life to have less pain and more comfort. It’s not a fashion statement. It is much more important than fashion. I would like to have more variety and more fun in my wardrobe, and indeed, I am trying to do so in my life and have been for a few years, especially to bring back more whimsy in my dress and accessories.

Helping my body to heal and to feel less pain is essential and an important part of my life and my healing path. It is one of the easiest healing things that I do for my body.

So right now I wear spring casual. In summer, of course, there is summer casual. In Autumn, there is always Autumn casual. And in winter you will find me, to the best of my ability, wearing winter casual. Let’s just call it casual.

Healing Poems 214

Things we don’t know yet.

How to create a childhood worthy of the sacredness of the child

How to forgive ourselves, entirely

How to love without projection or dependence

How to honor the strength of love alongside the strength of might

How much we are held, blessed

What we would create, if we believed we could.

We’re still young, still in an early era.

The status quo is just a middle chapter.

So have compassion for this fools’ world of ours

and don’t be afraid

to be the one

to help us turn the page.

~ Tara Mohr

Healing Quotes Littles 468

“You are made out of comets and stars.Do not surround yourself with those that treat you like dirt and dust.”
.
~ http://the-healing-nest.tumblr.com/

Healing Poems 212

Why I Feed the Birds

once
i saw my grandmother hold out
her hand cupping a small offering
of seed to one of the wild sparrows
that frequented the bird bath she
filled with fresh water every day

she stood still
maybe stopped breathing
while the sparrow looked
at her, then the seed
then back as if he was
judging her character

he jumped into her hand
began to eat
she smiled

a woman holding
a small god

~ Richard Vargas