Emotional/Verbal Abuse is Abuse

I have expressed a hatred of teasing and emotional/verbal abuse to my parents and my siblings all of my life. My parents and some of my older siblings gave us children very abusive nicknames. Some were given to my older siblings when they were teenagers. Mine was given to me when I was three. My siblings around my age were given their nicknames when they were older children. Just based on the age when abusive nicknames were given,  you can see they started after mine in age and in time. I was named two nicknames filthy and abusive and my siblings had very less damaging and abusive nicknames and they were done when they were much older than I was

My mother, who I used to confront often on this issue, would gaslight me and say, well all your siblings have nicknames they don’t like either, like well they are all being treated like shit and I am normalizing shit, so you can’t complain and have no right to complain and have no rights  that you can appeal to, because this is normal, they are all treated like you are treated, it is not mistreatment, it is normal, it is okay, no one is going to stop. And if you want to stop them, if you want this to end, then what you have to do is not be hurt or complain or say anything. They are getting a reaction and that is why you are to blame for the perpetuation of their treatment of you. My mother was a master at blaming victims for being abused, even while she abused them.

When the only person that I could go to for relief from emotional and verbal abuse against me by my siblings was my mother, who was my sexual abuser and my emotional/verbal abuser and who encouraged and perpetuated sibling emotional and verbal abuse against me , that made life very hard for me. Still, I was very determined that they should stop and that I deserved better treatment by my siblings, that I persisted. I don’t know where I got this strong belief in myself and that I deserved good treatment, but I had it, all my childhood. I think that is very strong of me and I am very proud of myself.

I knew that I deserved better from them all, even though none of them agreed with me. I knew that none of them should be called nasty and vicious and filthy nicknames. Some of the nicknames were not very bad, compared to mine, though they were all emotional and verbal abuse.

I didn’t just ask my mother to intervene and stop abuse. I asked other siblings as well. I don’t recall any of them trying to stop.

I don’t remember ever asking my father to stop. I don’t believe that I thought that he would, since he was the one who gave me the nicknames and the one who spread it all around the family and who allowed it to continue without ever once commenting about it or ever once trying to stop it.

When I was ten years old my father retired and was at home all the time, all day long and all night long. That was when the two nicknames about me stopped. I know that he did nothing to stop it. I just think that having him around, as a witness, is what stopped others from abusing me as much as they were. I suppose it was a shock to him to see how bad it was, how much of a scapegoat that I was, and how much I was being verbally abused.

I know that he enjoyed mistreating others, especially with words, especially with his children, but the bad nicknames stopped. I don’t believe that he ever lifted a hand to stop it. In fact, he started verbally abusing my brother more directly, who is 18 months older than I, during that time period.

It’s hard when this is the closest man in your life; someone who cruelly enjoys mistreating you with words and mistreating your emotions. It’s horrible that this was the closest example of an adult man that I had. It’s sad and pathetic that this is the best that he could be for his own children. I didn’t have a male teacher in my life until sixth grade, and that was a physical education teacher who was verbally and emotionally abusive to students. So not a good man or a good human being either.

I never felt that my father was on my side. I never believed that he would protect me. never felt that he loved me, though there was a time in my childhood when he would say that, though that had been some time before that.

If only there had been one person in my family who loved me and was good to me through my childhood. That would have changed my life so much. But none of them were willing to stand up for me and to suffer the consequences. With my mother, there was always consequences. I know that I deserved their love and loyalty.

Healing with Humor Teens 19

“Here I am, drinking coffee alone like a sociopath.”

~ Duchess Goldblatt, @duchessgoldblat

Healing Quotes Teens 874

“A book is a dream that you hold in your hand.”

~ Neil Gaiman

My Birthday Celebrations

Since I was so tired out after celebrating on Friday, the day before my birthday, I went to bed early and slept a lot. It was sweet. Unfortunately I still incredibly tired out.

On Friday, in between lunch and dinner, I went to the nearest library and then to an appointment with my chiropractor. I hadn’t been to the chiropractor for about a year-and-a-half, since I had my gall bladder removal surgery.

I had tweeked my neck and pinched nerve bad a few days before that, so I really, really needed to stop in and start back on addressing those issues. I didn’t feel immediately better, and based on past history, I knew that it might take a couple of weeks to start feeling like I was back on the right road to healing that issue once again.

(It does feel much better now, and I’m planning on going again this week and weekly for some time. He does a good job of focusing on this issue and then after  adjusting he uses acupuncture needles on both my forearms, which seems to help me a great deal, based on all the different things that we have tried to do over the years.)

So on Saturday morning I was feeling better, though still having pain and numbness issues going down into my arm and shoulder area on the right side of my back. One of my older bros and I had planned on getting together the weekend before, but I had to cancel due to lack of sleep from continued harassment and noise disturbances from the tenant below me. We had then made plans for Chinese buffet for lunch on my birthday.

My brother has an appalling lack of boundaries and a great love for teasing others. It is a challenge, when seeing him, and he always tends to resume his abusive behaviors, despite repeated challenges by me.  I know that he loves me, but love is not enough. He is getting to be an old geezer, but I still expect him to change and to treat me as though he loves and respects me. He has changed in the last six months, though not enough.

Most of our time went well. We had a nice meal. I had never been to this buffet before, I was not impressed, and I don’t think that I would want to ever go there again. It just wasn’t that good. I guess I’m used to a much better Chinese buffet place than this place was.

I know he wants to be a good brother to me, but his idea of what a good brother is not really the same as my idea of what a good brother is. I went home late in the afternoon and went to bed again early.

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Healing with Humor Teens 18

“Let go of old grudges to make room in your heart for new grudges.”

~ Jack D, @sharpular

Healing Quotes Teens 873

“Me and my books want to come over and spend time with you and your books.”

~ trajectory unknown, @trajectoryuk

Friday Night Birthday Celebrations

Two year ago, for my birthday, I celebrated by having lunch at Chipotle and dinner at a nearby Mexican restaurant as well. For some it might seem like a lot to have two meals in one day. For me, it is just right, as a birthday celebration. Last year I picked something different. This year I wanted to go back to Chipotle. That was fun.

There is a Mexican restaurant that I love to go to that has a free entrée for a birthday person, with I.D. I usually go there for dinner on my birthday. But this year we went the day before, on Friday. Still, my bro paid for everything. Me and two of my siblings and one bro-in-law made for a nice meal. I always have the say dinner combination. It is a huge, full plate. When done they always ask if anyone has room for dessert. Well, no, never. Plus they don’t offer any desserts that would make me want to save room for it.

It was a full day and I was so tired that when I got home I went to bed right away. Such nice deep sleep.