Healing Quotes Teens 744

“Develop an interest in life as you see it; the people, things, literature, music — the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people.”
~ Henry Miller

A Different Kind of Dreaming

They say that people dream often and often don’t remember them. I don’t think that I was doing a lot of deep sleep or dreaming for a long time. It was hugely influenced by my PTSD, my high pain levels and health issues, and noise levels where I have lived for many years. I am sleeping better now than I have for a long time, since having my gall bladder removal surgery and dreaming more, which is a tremendously good sign that my body is healthier and healing more.

About a year ago or so I started dreaming about my family. I’ve always dreamed about family members. But it used to be different.

I used to dream of them and me, but I was a different person and they were different people. In the dreams I would always have lucid thoughts, I would realize that so and so in the dream was really my mother in real life and that it was a dream. I would be a different person, but I always realized that it was me in the dream.

I don’t like it when I dream about my mother, even though in the dreams she is usually someone else. I wake up feeling creeped out and disgusted and dirty. I suppose most people would feel that way, if they dreamed about their primary sexual abuser. I try not to think about her after I wake up.

In the last year I’ve started to dream of family members and they are themselves in the dreams instead of being someone else. I believe this is a sign that I am associating with my life more than I am dissociating from my life, and in some ways it is comforting and a sign of healing and in others ways it is difficult and disconcerting just because it is new and something that I never done in my dream life before, at least not that I have remembered.

I sometimes dream of someone who died decades ago and sometimes of people who are alive now. I still seem to be aware that it is a dream, though I don’t seem to have to have as much inner dialogue going on in the dreams.

Recently I had a bizarre dream that seemed to have no inner monologue, showing me that I was lucid dreaming. I was dreaming of my aunt and my cousin, her daughter. I was an adult, my aunt was an adult, and older than me, but her daughter was still a child in the dream. This was weird because she is only three years younger than me in real life and has three adult children herself now. Weird and weird to wake up and realize that I wasn’t talking to myself during the dream. It was disconcerting to wake up while dreaming and not having worked on understanding the dynamics of the dream already. It seems abnormal to me.

I suppose that one dream doesn’t mean that I will always dream like that, not talking to myself during the dream. I might do both kind of dreaming in the future.

I wouldn’t be upset if I didn’t dream of my family, but one way or another, as themselves or as a fictional character in my dreams, I suppose that my mind needs to work out issues and they are definitely issues in my life, even when I don’t see or associate with some of them.

Healing Quotes Teens 743

“I think fitting in is highly overrated. I’d rather just fit out… Fitting out means being who you are, even when people insist that you have to change. Fitting out means taking up space, not apologizing for yourself, and not agreeing with those who seek to label you with stereotypes.”
~ Golda Poretsky

Healing Quotes Teens 742

“Everyone who shares their thoughts are brave individuals. It takes guts to let anyone, and everyone see inside your heart. We should never let anyone discourage us from our right to share.
~ William Chapman

Healing Quotes Teens 741

“People talk about escapism as if it’s a bad thing …once you’ve escaped, once you come back, the world is not the same as when you left it. You come back to it with skills, weapons, knowledge you didn’t have before.”
~ Neil Gaiman

Three Year Anniversary

Yesterday was my three year anniversary of moving into my apartment. I lived at the shelter for 31 days and was so very happy to be able to find an apartment that was subsidized. I pay 40% of my income as well as paying for my own electricity, which includes heating.

I recall how thankful I was to have a place to go and live. I am still thankful, but with all the issues here in the apartment complex, especially with the rehab last year, my level of thankfulness has been whittled down significantly. Still, I am dedicated to being nice and kind when interacting with others here in the building and on the property and I think that helps me cope with the difficult and noisy challenges. I’m currently trying to not call the apartment manager or the security company with complaints, but that is a challenge, and I usually have to call the security company late at night about once a week and ask them to address loud party/noise complaints.

Many people moved out in February, after the end of the rehabbing of the complex, because they no longer qualified to live there or wanted to move out, at the end of the leases that went through the rehab period they made us all sign. Unfortunately so many awful people moved in. Someone underneath me, someone on one side of me and someone across the hall from me are problem tenants and though things have gotten better, they are still loud and disruptive in many ways, sometimes late at night as well as during the day and evening.

They have tiny apartments for one person and yet they lie and move in with others. This has still not be completely addressed. They have a tiny apartment and yet across the hall she has three adult children there all the time. I could not care less how many visitors or how often or for how long they stay, except when they created a loud disturbance. They are the shouting level talk family and a few complaints and they are better, though I can’t imagine how four adults and a baby fit in that tiny apartment even for a visit, let alone a marijuana (the cloud of smoke is huge) drunk party and shouting conversation until five am can happen in that space with a screaming kid as well. I think that the mother and her adult son live there all the time. They are all just another reason why I usually have my fan on all the time, especially when I sleep.

The woman who lives one floor below me has gotten better, not because she wanted to. I complained about her marijuana and cigarette smoking in her apartment 24-7, which is why I can’t have my windows open at all and it also rises up into my bathroom, what with the fan being on 24/7 in there, her yelling 2 hour phone conversation, her drunken parties, and her having her window open all the time so I can hear every word. The smoking has gotten so much better, it is against policy to smoke in apartments and it is illegal to smoke marijuana anywhere still in Minnesota, unless you are approved, but still you don’t get to smoke here, it is a non-smoking building. Her drunken parties have stopped, not because I complained, I did, but because she has alienated everyone in the building with her racist rants. I didn’t realize that a black woman from Africa would be racist and would call little black girls filthy names to their faces and in front of their mother, but she has, and just about everything else. So she doesn’t have anyone to come up to her apartment and party with her anymore, they all hate her. I’ve been told that she is a falling down drunk, so that is obviously not someone that I would ever visit or invite into my sacred space. I am proud to say that I have not ever seen her or met her.

The woman on the right side of apartment and around the corner still brings her two pre-school girls to the apartment. She tried to get away with having the three of them live in a one adult apartment. The girls would scream and cry and rage and run in the hallways, sometimes she would let them run rampant up and down the halls and the stairwells. Even though children are not allowed to live here, she was lying about it. Finally she had to stop having them here all the time. Sometimes they are here and it is always a huge disturbance. It is better now. But last night they were all still screaming after midnight. I hate that. I really do. I can’t imagine letting children act like that anywhere, let alone late at night in an apartment building with your windows open.

I am so glad that the guy right across the hall from me seems to be a quiet guy. The other guy had moved out, because I ran into another guy in the hallway a few weeks ago who opened the door and went inside, unless there is two guys living in there as well. Well, I wouldn’t be surprised if that were true. I am so happy to report that I have never had to make a complaint about that apartment. Sigh.

I have had a few nice and short conversations with a few more women who live here. That doesn’t seem to be leading anywhere and I am sort of happy. I’ve heard of a few bad stories of them getting really used and hurt by befriending other tenants here. For the time being I am happy to live here and not have friends who live here. That makes things simpler, friendly but not friends. I have been thinking over some of the friends I have had over the years lately and that seems to be a good idea, not to pursue friends in the building. I really like my privacy and I really appreciate peace and quiet, though I don’t always get it, I try to provide it for myself and am as pro-active with the manager and the security company with the most egregious complaints.

I am on a waiting list, and have been for two years, for full subsidized housing for a one bedroom apartment, which will be 30% of my income with electricity included in that 30%. It might be up to another two years before my name comes to the top of the waiting list, as it is a long list right now. The best parts of this move will be the extra money I will have to spend on my other bills, etc, and living in an apartment with an elevator. I am really looking forward to having an elevator. It is not that I am thinking that my life there will be so much more wonderful, but hey more money for me, more space, and most importantly an elevator.

Healing Quotes Teens 740

“I decided I want to be alive– Right here, right now.”
~ Shailene Woodley