Well, what I have gotten a lot of, up close, these past few months of therapy has not been great. Well, the therapy has been great, very very great. I kind of love my therapist, but the county clinic decided to cut the number of sessions allowed, yes during a pandemic. A few months ago they told all the therapists to only make appointments every other week.
So not happy about that and not happy about how that makes me feel; neglected, abandoned, and demeaned. Not by my therapist, just by the clinic. I have to admit that right there and then, during session, I was thinking long and hard about finding another therapist. But I can’t really afford to get a therapist outside the clinic who would want to charge me about $20 a session. The clinic, since it is a county run clinic, normally only wants to see clients every other week and declines the charge the co-pay. This is huge for me, because I could never afford to pay the co-pay every week, if I found a therapist. My current therapist says she would definitely help me find a new therapist. But she is the only therapist that I have felt this comfortable with due to her knowledge and skills as a therapist.
She was nice enough to listen to the reasons that I believed I should get three appointment times per month. Now that it is a new year I might still be able to get three appointments a month, so long as one gets cancelled. Since both her and I have had a huge number of cancellations due to health, family issues, and the pandemic.
We talk on the phone. I use my headphones. That seems to be working good for me. I was told about the possibility of a zoom like thing for my laptop, but I’m not comfortable with adding any new things to my life right now. I am still trying to get adjusted to my new laptop, which I only seem to have issues with.
I initially wanted to get a new therapist because the other one, from the same clinic was not allowing me to work on healing from mother-daughter sexual abuse. She was more comfortable with keeping me talking and dealing with all my personal everyday problems, no matter what I told her or what she agreed to. It was very frustrating. So finally I called her and said I need a new therapist and it has worked out well. I have been seeing her for over a year, but still not doing a lot of healing work on the topic of mother-daughter sexual abuse.
That last statement is both true and untrue. I have done huge amounts of healing work, in therapy and out, about my mother since starting with my new therapist. It’s just that a huge amount of the healing work that I have done are about the stigmatizing that she and all of my family members did to me, treating me as though I were and calling me crazy, the gaslighting, the living in a home of an alcoholic, the lack of food and deprivation my mother put me through, the neglect, her failed attempts to sex traffic me as a pre-schooler, the emotional abuse, the physical abuse, and how that all made me feel and think about myself, my family, others, and the world. So I’ve been doing a lot of work, work that I feel needs to be done first before I get to the topic of mother-daughter sexual abuse.