“Continue to rise like the morning sun.”
“Continue to rise like the morning sun.”
“Continue to rise like the morning sun.”
You will never be alone, you hear so deep
a sound when autumn comes. Yellow
pulls across the hills and thrums,
on the silence after lightning before it says
its names- and then the clouds’ wide-mouthed
apologies.You will be aimed from birth:
you will never be alone. Rain
will come, a gutter filled, and Amazon,
long aisles- you never heard so deep a sound,
moss on rock, and years. You turn your head-
that’s what the silence meant; you are not alone
The whole wide world pours down.
~ William Stafford
When someone comes up to me in public and wants something, I find myself ask myself, without conscious thought, was that Jesus, was that an angel asking for help and I refused them?
(I told myself no recently when a drunk guy came up to me, after the creep started harassing the next woman half way down the block and screaming at her, seriously I don’t even know why my mind decided to bring up this old crap, the guy was seriously abusive to me. God and angels don’t verbally abuse women in my religion, I told myself. No God goes up to women in the street and harasses them for money. God doesn’t walk around the street drunk, judging us on the way that we treat his drunken, slurring interactions with us.)
I know that these negative questionings are a part of my internalized Christian guilt, which I really hate, but on the other hand I want to do more and I want God to think well of me and my efforts in this world to be a good person. I think that he should. I am a good person. I give to others. I love people. I’m incredibly sweet and loving and good and kind. I think that God should love me a lot. I don’t think that I believe it yet, but I guess that too is a part of healing. Even if I don’t believe it, he should still be loving me, big time.
It’s odd sometimes how all the hateful things that Christian beliefs do to me to make me hate myself more and judge myself more and makes me open to abuse, violation, and exploitation by others rather than help me love myself more and love my life in this world and make me feel good about myself and helps me to be stronger, and freer, and have better boundaries.
I hate all these hateful internalized messages that seem designed to make women vulnerable to abuse and to exploitation and violation. I know that we were all taught to be polite and compliant children, but that only made us children more vulnerable to abuse and exploitation and that these messages, of being a good little girl or boy have nothing to do with how we really should act in this world. I don’t owe anyone obedience, compliance, or politeness.
I won’t do that any more. I fight the “male privilege” that assumes that the male gaze is always being sought and wanted and that male attention, no matter how drunken, stinking, and unwanted and hate-filled is somehow a compliment. No it’s disgusting and it certainly is not an angel and it is not God. Angels don’t go up to women leering at them. God doesn’t want to take away your money and make you feel like you are a bad person.
If that makes me less sweet and good and kind, so be it. I really don’t believe that God would want that for me. I think God can cope with that. I don’t love a God like that. So, still working on weeding out all the hateful, loathsome negative images of God and me that religion has put into my mind and body and myselves. It’s amazing to me that there is so much bad of that, especially since I didn’t get any formalized religion from either of my parents or my “community.”
I think that God loves me for all the good qualities that I have, and I have many, and that he knows all my pain and all that I have overcome and all the work that I have done to heal and that I still work on healing and being a better person every day. I think that God loves me a lot, even more than I love myself, even more than I love myselves, even more than I am capable of loving anyone. And that’s a lot.
“At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities.”
~ Jean Houston
Got my test results by phone a couple of minutes ago. Yep I have gallstones. I pretty much don’t see how it could have been anything else. All my other lab results were fine, which is good to know.
The person told me to call back during business hours to make another appointment with my doctor to go over my treatment options. Well I sure am glad that I am feeling better than yesterday, cause that was excruciating.
My ultrasound test went well. Up to three to five business days waiting for results.
Last night I felt better after only three hours on the two antibiotics. So I got that going for me. :)
Get Well Kitty is doing well too.
My Father Captain Christopher Pike:
(talks about character and plot lines from Star Trek original series and Star Trek re-boot series.)
When I was a very very young child I watched the original Star Trek show. I don’t really have a lot of memories from that time of watching the show, but I think that I really loved this character. When I was a teenager and was re-watching the original series one character really struck a cord with me in the father arena, though there is another character in the original series who does that as well. Although I didn’t understand it at the time, it is quite clear to me why I feel so much attachment and connection to him and especially to him as a father.
Captain Christopher Pike is a captain of a starship that is abducted with two female shipmates for the expressed purpose of being enslaved and forced into conceiving the next generation of slaves for a species that has mind control. He is responsible to the two women, to the other woman that they have abducted, and for all the people working on his starship. His is brave and kind and compassionate. His determination in seeking freedom convinces the other species into letting them go. Later in his career he is injured severely in a serious accident where he bravely rescues other people’s lives and becomes wheelchair bound that seems like almost an iron lung device, unable to talk except through two blinking lights on the front of his chair.
So I suppose there are several things that you can all see that I would find to love about this character, despite his circumstances, he is concerned and caring and protective of others. He is strong and brave. He is kind and gentle and generous with others. Quite possibly the ideal father to my way of thinking.
Acted by Jeffrey Hunter from Star Trek: The Original Series:
So I’ve always had a very soft spot in my heart for Captain Christopher Pike. Some time ago I read lots of the Star Trek fiction books that had come out on the market. Some of my favorites to read were the few that were written based in the time of Captain Pike, who was the previous Captain to Captain James Kirk of the Enterprise starship.
I had been deeply troubled by his severe disabilities in the service of rescuing others. It really hurt my heart to see that his life was reduced from such a wonderful adventurous life to such a small, contained life. I know that he chose to rescue other people’s lives, even at the risk to his own, but it still hurts me to see how deeply limited his life had become.
I was so very happy to hear that Captain Pike was going to be a part of the re-boot Star Trek movies. I loved him so much in the first movie and was so happy to see him acting in a fatherly manner to a young Jim Kirk, encouraging him to be a better man and to become a leader.
In the re-boot Star Trek movies, acted by Bruce Greenwood:
I was so happy and excited that the “new time-line” could bring a better life for my much beloved character and father image. I was devastated, when in the second movie they casually kill off the character. I tried to talk about this with my therapist a couple of years ago, after the movie had come out, telling her that he had meant a lot to me, like a father and that I loved him so much, and then only ended up sobbing and unable to speak. She looked at me gently and said, well obviously this character has meant a lot to you. And I was like, yeah. (One of many reasons that this therapist was a perfect person for me to see, that she was able to see I valued and connected to and with a fictional character and treated me with kindness and gentleness about it.)
I realize that in both timelines he had a tragic ending, but I tend to ignore that. It works the best for me. So when I think of him, I think of him alive, happy, vibrant, being real and proud and brave and being my dad. I love my dad.