You’re an Odd One, Different

Mentions physical assault by female parent.

I met someone about four years ago. She seemed to like me a lot. She was really drawn to me. She seemed to value me. She told me that I was a very strong Reiki healer. No one else ever said anything positive to me among the Reiki people that I knew. I started to believe her.

We talked on a phone a little. We got together and went out to eat a couple of times. We did Reiki on each other one day. She spoke of spending more time with me. It sort of never happened. And then I moved out of state and back again. We rarely talked on the phone, only because I called her. I would still call her, leave messages with her partner and on her machine, and still send her emails, but I was not getting any call-backs from her. The last time I spoke to her she said that she was too busy and would call me back in six months or so when she had some time. She never did.

When we did talk I thought that she was running over my boundaries a lot. She would ask a lot of very, very personal questions, ones that were none of her business. It was an old pattern for me to answer all her questions. My mother, who sexually abused me, used to ask me questions when I was a child and if I did not answer her or if she did not like my answers she would become enraged, run at me, and physically assault me. So I have a lot of trouble having appropriate boundaries around questions and answers and she seemingly has no boundaries when it comes to questioning me. I do not know if she does this to others, but she really does it to me.

Since I had been very lonely this last month I have gotten out all my numbers and tried to connect to everyone here in my home state that I have not been successful in making a re-connection with since moving home.

I talked to her. She blamed me for not calling her, even though I pointed out to her that I had often tried to re-connect. She blamed me for us not getting together, even though she had told me that she didn’t have time for me, even though I still called her and left messages. She asked me really inappropriate questions about why I have not started a Reiki business nor made it successful. I don’t want to admit it, but I answered a lot of her questions. I really felt backed into a corner and that is not a place that I am comfortable with, due to past abuse history and triggers.

She acted like she was not happy with my answers. They are my answers, what is to like or not  like about them? They are about my life, what I am dealing with, and how I am doing, not about her or what she has or hasn’t done with me or whether or not she has been a friend to me in the last four years. I was being honest with her. I don’t know what is to get upset about.

She asked me what is wrong, apparently she could tell I was upset. I lost what I thought was my best friend, I was lonely, I was alone, I didn’t want to be. I told her, nothing. She asked again, what is wrong? I said nothing. She said, no really what is it? I said nothing is wrong.

(I wasn’t lying to her. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong in my life. Nothing is wrong with my life. It is my life. It isn’t wrong to feel one thing or another or to experience one thing or another. I am a human being.  I am living my life. There is nothing wrong in that.)

She sighed and muttered something. I asked, what? She said you’re an odd one, different. I asked her, what about me or what I said do you find odd or different. She said, you, the way you are.

I think you can guess if I will ever be calling her again.