You’re an Odd One, Different

Mentions physical assault by female parent.

I met someone about four years ago. She seemed to like me a lot. She was really drawn to me. She seemed to value me. She told me that I was a very strong Reiki healer. No one else ever said anything positive to me among the Reiki people that I knew. I started to believe her.

We talked on a phone a little. We got together and went out to eat a couple of times. We did Reiki on each other one day. She spoke of spending more time with me. It sort of never happened. And then I moved out of state and back again. We rarely talked on the phone, only because I called her. I would still call her, leave messages with her partner and on her machine, and still send her emails, but I was not getting any call-backs from her. The last time I spoke to her she said that she was too busy and would call me back in six months or so when she had some time. She never did.

When we did talk I thought that she was running over my boundaries a lot. She would ask a lot of very, very personal questions, ones that were none of her business. It was an old pattern for me to answer all her questions. My mother, who sexually abused me, used to ask me questions when I was a child and if I did not answer her or if she did not like my answers she would become enraged, run at me, and physically assault me. So I have a lot of trouble having appropriate boundaries around questions and answers and she seemingly has no boundaries when it comes to questioning me. I do not know if she does this to others, but she really does it to me.

Since I had been very lonely this last month I have gotten out all my numbers and tried to connect to everyone here in my home state that I have not been successful in making a re-connection with since moving home.

I talked to her. She blamed me for not calling her, even though I pointed out to her that I had often tried to re-connect. She blamed me for us not getting together, even though she had told me that she didn’t have time for me, even though I still called her and left messages. She asked me really inappropriate questions about why I have not started a Reiki business nor made it successful. I don’t want to admit it, but I answered a lot of her questions. I really felt backed into a corner and that is not a place that I am comfortable with, due to past abuse history and triggers.

She acted like she was not happy with my answers. They are my answers, what is to like or not  like about them? They are about my life, what I am dealing with, and how I am doing, not about her or what she has or hasn’t done with me or whether or not she has been a friend to me in the last four years. I was being honest with her. I don’t know what is to get upset about.

She asked me what is wrong, apparently she could tell I was upset. I lost what I thought was my best friend, I was lonely, I was alone, I didn’t want to be. I told her, nothing. She asked again, what is wrong? I said nothing. She said, no really what is it? I said nothing is wrong.

(I wasn’t lying to her. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong in my life. Nothing is wrong with my life. It is my life. It isn’t wrong to feel one thing or another or to experience one thing or another. I am a human being.  I am living my life. There is nothing wrong in that.)

She sighed and muttered something. I asked, what? She said you’re an odd one, different. I asked her, what about me or what I said do you find odd or different. She said, you, the way you are.

I think you can guess if I will ever be calling her again.

I Get Lost Sometimes

I do get lost sometimes. I don’t always have a good handle on things. Others see so much good stuff in me and I still doubt it, at times. I remind myself almost every day of something someone said to me on the blog, it brings me along on my healing path, it helps me to heal, it helps me to believe in myself, it helps put loneliness in the shadows for a time.

I have a lot of good functional things in my life. I have a lot of good coping skills. I don’t have a lot of detrimental coping mechanisms and it was something I always seemed to be able to manage well, even when I was going through the most difficult times on my healing path.

It can be hard to want others and not get that and unfortunately that is a large and looming part of my life and always has been. It is hard to lose a friend that I relied on a great deal. It is hard for me to try to manage my life without close friends in real life and that this situation has happened over my whole life has always left me feeling even lonelier.

I am proud of myself and how far I have come and how much I have healed and grown. I think that online it is easy for others to see that. Some of the best friends I have ever had in my life were met online, on my blog, or on their blogs, others who are working on healing.

I have been in support groups in real life over the years and often got responses that I was seen as strong and courageous. At the support groups I couldn’t relate to alcohol use, drug use, unsafe behaviors, over-sexualization, an eating disorder, cutting, but the more that I learned about the dynamics of child sexual abuse, it’s aftereffects, and it’s aftermath the more I could understand and relate to it. I could always imagine how the aftermath of child sexual abuse could lead someone to being divorced from their own body and to engage in behaviors that were less than healthy or healing, and I could hold love, acceptance, and compassion in my heart for any survivor who was struggling with those issues.

Still I struggled, then and now. I need friends. I know that everyone needs friends. I know that most people realize that others need friends. Being vulnerable to others and seeking them out is a natural part of life to me. I don’t have to hide that. I didn’t think I was, but I think there were some things I wasn’t writing about and I am trying to do that, because I do want to be seen more clearly. Clarity is what I yearn for and what I work towards in my own life and in communion with others.

I want others to see me. I want them to know that I struggle. I want them to know that I need others. I want them to know that I need them.

I was admitting something to someone I knew online in chat four years ago.  I remember what was said, they said oh Kate surely not, surely you don’t struggle with that issue. I was like, “yeah I do. It honors no one for me to pretend that I don’t.”

It doesn’t honor myself because I would be saying that what I struggle with needs to be hidden, needs to be kept in the dark, needs for me to feel shame about it and that what others struggle with should make them feel the same things. It doesn’t honor others. They are left with a false image of me as someone who doesn’t struggle, who isn’t alone, who can’t relate. I can. I do. When I realize that there is a misunderstanding I try to write about it. Standing in the light is what I do best.

I know I write about how much friends mean to me. I know I write sometimes to my blog friends on my blog and say you mean so much to me, you mean everything to me. It is true. You mean the whole wide world to me. I get lost sometimes. And my online friends find me. It is so fucking wonderful to be found.

Making Plans

I wanted to say to my online friends how much you all mean to me here. I know that I’ve said it before, but I wanted to say you all mean so much to me. I don’t do healing work easily or well when I am alone. I do it best when I am in community. Community is very important to me. I wouldn’t be where I am in healing if it wasn’t for each of you. You all mean so much to me.

Here is the thing; in the last four months I have gone to two museums with a friend. I haven’t been able to do that for years. I have gotten out about once a month to see a movie in a theater. So as desperate and alone as I am feeling, I have to keep reminding myself that I am making baby and important steps towards where I want to be in my life.

My health issues continue to improve. That helps me to be able to be more active and to do more and to make plans. Once I am done with the tests on Wednesday I will probably rest up a couple of days and start looking for a new place to live, because I have to move in about four months or so, and it is unfortunate but that might take up a lot of my energy that I would prefer not to, but I probably have to move by May. I am biking more miles, on average, a lot more. I am taking out my camera more and taking photos more and started posting to my blog. This is all huge for me.

I spent some time yesterday making some plans on some things I would like to do in the near future. I’ve written some activities down and hope that I can do at least some of these things. I’ve done this in the past and unfortunately couldn’t do any of the things several winters in a row, due to winter conditions, but also due to health issues. I hate when that happens.

I am exploring joining a newly forming writer/poetry group. I’m not sure about this. It is definitely something that I have wanted to do for a huge amount of time. I actually did try that in the past and it went very very bad and I will try to write about that experience in the near future and post it. So I am very hesitant. It would have to be run by someone who managed the group very good and made a very safe space and where I could feel comfortable and where my mostly abuse writing could be acceptable. I’ve experienced where it was not and I am unwilling to repeat that ever again. I won’t ever accept being mistreated in the context of creative work again. So for me it really depends on this person and what kind of person they are.

When I think of all my plans what I keep coming back to is that I live much too far out in the suburbs, way too far, to be able to do things that would be very manageable in the winter if only I was living in a place in Minneapolis, especially south Minneapolis, which is really the area I would like to live in the most. I also think that this is the area I want to live in for doing my healing work and for connecting to others on the basis of Reiki and energy healing and possible interactions and friendships. So this is my big hope. I am having trouble believing that all the good things will come to me, so if you can believe and hope for me, please do and that will be great and will really help me, because I could really use all the hope and belief that I can get right now.