I Met A Guy

About a month ago I met a guy. As always I was thinking about the possibility of friendship, nothing more. That’s not going to work out.

It was a very hot and humid evening. I had just been to a few stores downtown and had decided to sit down by one of the many fountains for a while, read from a book, have a snack, wait for the temperature to go down a little before going home to my non-air conditioned apartment. A few minutes later I looked up and saw that a guy had decided to join me. He started talking to me.

Basically he started out the conversation criticizing something I was doing and telling me how and why I was wrong. He did it in a light-hearted jokey manner. He was telling me that there was no need for me to lock up my bicycle when I was sitting near it.

Okay this is not something I like and not something that I usually tolerate from strangers.

But it is usually my automatic response to start defending my choices. I stopped myself in mid-sentence and said this is what I do, I don’t tell someone else what to do, but this is what I do. I was really proud of myself.

He said bikes don’t get stolen down here. Which I know is untrue, they do. I’ve read about it in the local paper and even heard people talk about it happening. I wasn’t going to argue the merits of safety and crime to him. It is my choice and I can make any choice that I want to about my bike being locked, even when it is right next to me.

His next conversational gambit was to tell me, you’re sad. My response was, you seem to be assuming that there is something wrong with being sad, or allowing yourself to be feeling sad, or perhaps even some other emotions. I don’t agree. It made me feel as though he saw me as more vulnerable and that being an opening for him. I didn’t think that I was feeling more sad than anyone else that evening. I was actually having a lovely time by myself. I was really enjoying my evening.

We talked for a bit and what I really wanted was for him to go away and leave me alone so I could eat my snack in peace and privacy and read my book. He didn’t. I think that next time I will just take out my book and start reading and not care if someone considers me rude.

He was originally from another country and seemed amazed that I knew where his country was on his continent. Gasp! A woman who loves geography. He praised me as one would a five year old. It was kind of funny.

He made several comments about me that made me think he was interested in me, in a way that I was not interested in him. I made that abundantly clear, but I don’t think he wanted to believe me. I’ve interacted with guys like that in the past. It has never gone good.

He suggested that I was pretty and therefore should date. I told him he was young enough to be my son and I was not interested in dating someone  young enough to be my son.

He tried to convince me that I should have children. I tried to explain the facts of life to him, but he seemed to refuse to believe in reality. I tried to explain to him that a woman is born with only so many eggs and when those are gone, you don’t make anymore. He seemed satisfied that I would consider adopting older children, if I did ever marry.

We went on to talk politics at length. He approved of my depth of knowledge and understanding. He said that Obama was going to drop bombs on Syria. I said no, don’t count on it, not going to happen. He said oh yeah in a couple of days. I said no it won’t happen soon, if at all, wait and see and you can say I was right. Yeah, that was about a month ago and I was right.

He said several times, you are a good person. Yes. I know that. Telling me the obvious is not a compliment as far as I am concerned. Acting as though I don’t have a good grasp of that is underestimating me, who I am, and how far I have come. Really it’s kind of condescending, to us, we found it grating on the nerves rather than disarming or complimentary.

He wanted my phone number. I told him I don’t give that out, but he could give me his. He didn’t like that. He didn’t know what his schedule was going to be like so told me what day to call him to see about meeting for coffee. I called with my number blocked, but he didn’t know what day he would be off. I called two other evenings, and he didn’t pick up the phone.

Thinking over all of this for the last month, I see lots of reasons not to try to see him. I don’t like someone who just assumes it is okay to sit near me and start talking, especially a guy. He could have started talking to me while he was still standing and see if I was receptive to a conversation, rather than inviting himself into my space, even if it was a public space, it was still my space. I don’t like being told what to do and what not to do. That will immediately piss me off. I don’t like having to defend myself or being teased. I don’t like people assuming that because I am from America I am not knowledgeable about international current events, international issues and international politics. I don’t like people insisting, implying, or judging that my personal choices of being alone and childless are not valid and appropriate to my life situation, and my business and no one else’s. I don’t like being evaluated as a potential mate, especially when I am clear from the start that I am not interested in that with that person. I’ve never been able to make one of them into a friend.

So I met a guy. But he wasn’t the right kind of guy. Not even the right kind of guy to make into a friend. A potential friend has to show me respect, exhibit proper boundaries, honor women, have a sense of humor, make me smile and laugh, share of his self and his life, love the exchange of ideas and words, and so much more. None of which he exhibited.

 

 

Healing Quotes 449

“Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.”
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~ Unknown

Healing Quotes 401

“Friends– like flowers– give pleasure just by being.”

~ Rebecca Shaw

I’m Not Who I Think I Am

I’m not who I think I am.

I am more than who I think I am. (I do not know or accept the true wonderfulness of myself yet.Working on that. Walking on that path.)

I am less than who I think I am. (I am not the abuse, the aftermath or the aftereffects, those are consequences of being a child sexual abuse survivor, they are not me. I was taught they were, but they were lies taught by sex offenders to lay their blame and shame onto me, a little child. Being violated, having our boundaries invaded, and being sexually offended against severely lowers a survivor’s sense of self and self-esteem.)

I am learning more and more who I really am. (Almost every week another friend teaches me of another facet of myself that they see, accept, and love. It is a true education having friends. Living life brings me to many truths about myself, ones I could never see before, ones I could never believe before, ones I desperately wanted to believe and others that I thought could never possibly be possible or true about me.)

As I learn, I grow, I heal. I become more and more able to accept the truth of the good things about me.

And slowly, as I find me, I find more and more reasons to love me. It is my heartfelt wish that as you walk your own path you find all the wonderful reasons that you are lovely and that the seed of love can grow within your heart, until it bursts forth with joy. Walk your path. Love to you all.

About My Ex-Friend

Today I thought of you. A couple of days ago I thought of you. Most days I don’t. A couple of days ago I was out at the coffeeshop, enjoying myself, and the thought of you occurred to me. I thought I don’t usually think of you, not at all. That was all, just a comment to myself, you are not noteworthy in my mind.

Today I thought of you. I thought of how we had been friends for eight years, and how you had always told me that I was the only person in your life who had ever been good to you, except one relative. And I thought how could you be so cruel to me and not be my friend anymore. I wasn’t sad, not one little bit, just puzzled, cause I really deserved your loyalty and friendship.

You’re an Odd One, Different

Mentions physical assault by female parent.

I met someone about four years ago. She seemed to like me a lot. She was really drawn to me. She seemed to value me. She told me that I was a very strong Reiki healer. No one else ever said anything positive to me among the Reiki people that I knew. I started to believe her.

We talked on a phone a little. We got together and went out to eat a couple of times. We did Reiki on each other one day. She spoke of spending more time with me. It sort of never happened. And then I moved out of state and back again. We rarely talked on the phone, only because I called her. I would still call her, leave messages with her partner and on her machine, and still send her emails, but I was not getting any call-backs from her. The last time I spoke to her she said that she was too busy and would call me back in six months or so when she had some time. She never did.

When we did talk I thought that she was running over my boundaries a lot. She would ask a lot of very, very personal questions, ones that were none of her business. It was an old pattern for me to answer all her questions. My mother, who sexually abused me, used to ask me questions when I was a child and if I did not answer her or if she did not like my answers she would become enraged, run at me, and physically assault me. So I have a lot of trouble having appropriate boundaries around questions and answers and she seemingly has no boundaries when it comes to questioning me. I do not know if she does this to others, but she really does it to me.

Since I had been very lonely this last month I have gotten out all my numbers and tried to connect to everyone here in my home state that I have not been successful in making a re-connection with since moving home.

I talked to her. She blamed me for not calling her, even though I pointed out to her that I had often tried to re-connect. She blamed me for us not getting together, even though she had told me that she didn’t have time for me, even though I still called her and left messages. She asked me really inappropriate questions about why I have not started a Reiki business nor made it successful. I don’t want to admit it, but I answered a lot of her questions. I really felt backed into a corner and that is not a place that I am comfortable with, due to past abuse history and triggers.

She acted like she was not happy with my answers. They are my answers, what is to like or not  like about them? They are about my life, what I am dealing with, and how I am doing, not about her or what she has or hasn’t done with me or whether or not she has been a friend to me in the last four years. I was being honest with her. I don’t know what is to get upset about.

She asked me what is wrong, apparently she could tell I was upset. I lost what I thought was my best friend, I was lonely, I was alone, I didn’t want to be. I told her, nothing. She asked again, what is wrong? I said nothing. She said, no really what is it? I said nothing is wrong.

(I wasn’t lying to her. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong in my life. Nothing is wrong with my life. It is my life. It isn’t wrong to feel one thing or another or to experience one thing or another. I am a human being.  I am living my life. There is nothing wrong in that.)

She sighed and muttered something. I asked, what? She said you’re an odd one, different. I asked her, what about me or what I said do you find odd or different. She said, you, the way you are.

I think you can guess if I will ever be calling her again.

I Get Lost Sometimes

I do get lost sometimes. I don’t always have a good handle on things. Others see so much good stuff in me and I still doubt it, at times. I remind myself almost every day of something someone said to me on the blog, it brings me along on my healing path, it helps me to heal, it helps me to believe in myself, it helps put loneliness in the shadows for a time.

I have a lot of good functional things in my life. I have a lot of good coping skills. I don’t have a lot of detrimental coping mechanisms and it was something I always seemed to be able to manage well, even when I was going through the most difficult times on my healing path.

It can be hard to want others and not get that and unfortunately that is a large and looming part of my life and always has been. It is hard to lose a friend that I relied on a great deal. It is hard for me to try to manage my life without close friends in real life and that this situation has happened over my whole life has always left me feeling even lonelier.

I am proud of myself and how far I have come and how much I have healed and grown. I think that online it is easy for others to see that. Some of the best friends I have ever had in my life were met online, on my blog, or on their blogs, others who are working on healing.

I have been in support groups in real life over the years and often got responses that I was seen as strong and courageous. At the support groups I couldn’t relate to alcohol use, drug use, unsafe behaviors, over-sexualization, an eating disorder, cutting, but the more that I learned about the dynamics of child sexual abuse, it’s aftereffects, and it’s aftermath the more I could understand and relate to it. I could always imagine how the aftermath of child sexual abuse could lead someone to being divorced from their own body and to engage in behaviors that were less than healthy or healing, and I could hold love, acceptance, and compassion in my heart for any survivor who was struggling with those issues.

Still I struggled, then and now. I need friends. I know that everyone needs friends. I know that most people realize that others need friends. Being vulnerable to others and seeking them out is a natural part of life to me. I don’t have to hide that. I didn’t think I was, but I think there were some things I wasn’t writing about and I am trying to do that, because I do want to be seen more clearly. Clarity is what I yearn for and what I work towards in my own life and in communion with others.

I want others to see me. I want them to know that I struggle. I want them to know that I need others. I want them to know that I need them.

I was admitting something to someone I knew online in chat four years ago.  I remember what was said, they said oh Kate surely not, surely you don’t struggle with that issue. I was like, “yeah I do. It honors no one for me to pretend that I don’t.”

It doesn’t honor myself because I would be saying that what I struggle with needs to be hidden, needs to be kept in the dark, needs for me to feel shame about it and that what others struggle with should make them feel the same things. It doesn’t honor others. They are left with a false image of me as someone who doesn’t struggle, who isn’t alone, who can’t relate. I can. I do. When I realize that there is a misunderstanding I try to write about it. Standing in the light is what I do best.

I know I write about how much friends mean to me. I know I write sometimes to my blog friends on my blog and say you mean so much to me, you mean everything to me. It is true. You mean the whole wide world to me. I get lost sometimes. And my online friends find me. It is so fucking wonderful to be found.

A Friend Lost

I’m not sure if this title is exactly accurate, but it feels as though it is true. I was the one to end the friendship, or perhaps I was the first one to voice that we weren’t friends any longer and to say that it was over with.

We had been online friends for many years. We talked on the phone a lot, posted to a message board to one another a lot, and wrote emails back and forth to one another. Over time we became very close, I thought. I trusted her and told her things that I didn’t have anyone else to tell. Having a close friend who is a survivor, who I can share a great deal with and share a great deal in our backgrounds, was tremendously healing from me.

Then things changed. More and more I was losing people or losing contact or closeness to them, including her. Over time I was very lonely and started trying to find more avenues online where I could reach out to others. Actually this is one of the big reasons that I started a blog. From the beginning of my blog I loved the contact with others and with their blogs. I wanted to reach out to others, but it was beyond my ability to hope or even envision finding others who were reaching back to me.

I hadn’t heard from this friend in the last few months and I had been going through so much loneliness. I know that isn’t anyone else’s fault. I know that she was dealing with her own stuff, but I just didn’t know what her own stuff was, no contact. I know that I wanted to do more activities and find more friends, but my health was seriously getting in the way of that, as always, though perhaps more in the last six months.

She had been sick a lot lately. When I found out I offered to do Reiki distance healing energy for her for free. She agreed. I did seven hours for her for free. We had several difficult emails where she accused me of many things, including trying to get money from her for them and then that I was not being professional. Free sort of doesn’t equate with professional, free is free, professional is for pay. I wrote to her that I had done this out of the love in my heart.

I thought about it that night after I had written her another email. I thought that she is not my friend anymore, if she were she would not write such hateful and ugly things to me. I thought oh I must be going to feel very horrible about all of this. But the fact is that I didn’t feel anything at all. I looked inside myself and all I saw was this huge empty space where our friendship should have been. I was very surprised. If you had asked me before that moment I never would have said that is what I would feel. There was nothing there. I thought that I had lost her a long time ago and that was why there was nothing there.

The next day I got another email and wrote back saying we weren’t friends anymore. I think I was just stating a fact, rather than breaking up with her as a friend. We aren’t friends anymore. There’s nothing I can do about that. There’s nothing I want to do about that. I don’t feel sad about that. I don’t feel anything about that.

Instead I felt all the loneliness I had been feeling the last six months. I know that’s not all about her and that I certainly wasn’t looking for her to fill up that space inside me now, after what’s happened. Getting feedback from some online friends through this has really helped buoy me and given me some great advice. I am making plans for my life and making things better day by day. I love and appreciate all the good things that I do have. And I want so much more. With that in mind I am going to keep reaching.

My New Year’s Resolutions

I looked over what I posted to the blog the last three years. I didn’t remember them in as much detail as I thought I had, so it was good to have the reminder.

2010

2011

2012

I suppose many of the same goals are present in my mind this year. But I’m going to do something different this year. I’m going to try to be as specific about what I want to do, not just have more fun, or to look at the stars or to do more activities, but also what kind of activities and how I want to engage with them.

Some things I do now, but I want to encourage myself into doing them more often. Some things I don’t do right now, but want to and have wanted to get started for some time. So some of my goals are to do some activities every day, once a week or once a month; depending on how active I can be, how much I am already doing the activity, and how much it is possible where I live right now (this includes the home space as well as the distance and effort it might take to take part in the activity somewhere else). I am trying to build in a way that I encourage myself, push myself creatively, while giving myself permission to do less without building up more bad feelings about myself.

Word of the Year: Sunny

Phrase of the Year: Keep Reaching. Thanks David. 🙂

Three word summary on Healing: Walk Your Path

Read. (Every day, if possible.)

Last year I read 107 books, the year before 100, and the year before that over 200, because I was lacking a tv, or dvd player. I love reading but it is a discipline and I have to remind myself to read, especially when there are so many other things I can now do online and watch on tv and the dvd player and especially since my health issues have gotten so much worse. Reading is a priority that I want to fit into my schedule.

Read children’s books. This is something The Littles love to do! I have been remiss this past year. At Christmas time we did do more books and they loved that. But I need to be more diligent for them.

Bike. (Every day, wheather and health permitting.)

Christmas. As my lovely friend Granny told me in one of my comments from my post Thanksgiving Was Great, “I say enjoy any holiday any time you can. If you want to celebrate Christmas all year round – go for it! Whatever works for you works.”

So I resolved to do Christmas year round this year. After Epiphany I took down and packed up most of the decorations. But I left several really great things out still, including the decorated Christmas bush. I still have the Christmas coloring books out after coloring this month. I’ve watched some Christmas dvds and listened to some Christmas music so far this month. I want to make some Christmas crafts. I hope to be able to do a lot more once I move and have some more space than just my bedroom to move around and do things, doing crafts takes more space.

Music. Every day, if at all possible.

Singing, love it. Don’t do enough of it. Try to do it every day.

Move, dance. Every day, if at all possible.

Walk and exercise. As often as possible. I am using my treadmill and doing some exercises that help strengthen my legs and core.

Fun and laughter. We love those things and our life is not nearly full to bursting of those things. Right now I am exploring how to purposely bring more of it into our life.

Adventure. My lovely new friend Liz wrote about adventure for the New Year on her post Ring out the Old, Ring in the New. Yes adventure! I have to have that as a goal for this new year. I am planning on exploring and provoking adventure in my life, lol, and plan on doing one outside activity as an adventure each month and one activity for an online adventure. I’ll be reporting about that through the year.

Museums. I would like to go once a month. Last year I only went once and wonderfully it was with a friend, but this month I have gone to a wonderful exhibition and with a friend. I already have plans for another visit in a few months and want to think of another thing to go to before then.

Photography. We are finally doing this 🙂 and want to continue doing more.

Zoos. We have two zoos here in my area. They are both quite a ways away, but when the weather is warmer I am planning on going to both of them with my bike, so that I can ride the trails to see all the larger animals who live outside in warmer weather.

Friends and support. Be more present for online friends, as much as I am able. It is nice that my health is improving so that now I can do more rather than just wish to do more and hope that things will improve. Read new blogs and reach out more to those that I like. Seek new places and activities where I can find people that I will find resonance with and who might be more receptive to me.

Be as open as possible with them about how much you want the contact and what it means to me. I have trouble with this sometimes. I have always thought it was better not to ask for what I didn’t have, because then at least I wouldn’t get as directly and as personally rejected. I thought that it would hurt too much to be this honest on this level with others. But it hurts so much more to feel alone most of the time. This issue also calls for safety, boundaries, functionality, caution, and developing something with someone as time goes on. And I am going to keep reaching.

Do creativity. Every day. I want to try to remind myself to focus my attention on the fact that I already do certain things creatively, I just need to put my intention there and focus on it while doing some things that I do that are creative. It is an honoring and an acknowledgement to help me get out of feeling stuck creatively. If I can keep reminding myself that I am indeed creative in how I move through the world and live my life, then I have overcome the block that I am stuck and that I can’t do creative fun and creative work right now. It’s not true. I am doing them right now. I just want to do them more.

Write children’s books. We have wanted to do that for a long time. I will try to post what I have been doing once I get started.

Do creative projects. Once or month or once a week once I start doing more.

Collage projects. I love doing collage. It is one of my mediums that brings me true joy. Once a month or once a week as things start moving in a better direction in my life, moving and getting settled into my own place.

Poetry/writing. I have sort of been blocked from doing much in the last few years. If only I had knew that would be a consequence, that my creative work would be stalled in many ways, I never would have moved to live with anyone else. I have reached out to someone who is forming a group and there is a possibility of joining his poetry/writing group when it gets started. Not sure how this will go, but here is the thing. I know what I don’t want. I know what I won’t tolerate. I know what my boundaries are. I’ve already experienced that in a group. No matter what I need more practice doing connectedness while interacting with others. Group experiences like this will be good for me to continue attempting.

Combat clutter. Clutter is one of those things that gets in the way of my life and of doing everything. Clutter blocks up energy. But it is an old coping skill from my childhood when I needed to block up a lot of the energy that was negative, bad, destructive, and abusive. Having a small living space here means that it is so easy for clutter to get a foot hold. One bump and a whole pile of papers go tumbling, creating clutter if I don’t deal with it all promptly. It’s hard to still have to be living out of boxes, but  a lot of stuff still has to live in boxes until I move. I have gone through many of the boxes, donating some things, repacking most, and taking out some things I really want around me, special books, movies, and healing things. I still have more boxes to go through.

Puzzles. The Littles love to do puzzles. I buy them from used stores and we have quite a lot of them right now. Once a month or more.

Coloring books. I know I’ve written about this issue in December. At least once a month.

Dollies and stuffies. I often forget to put them near me when I am on the computer and often don’t get up for them while working when someone wants to snuggle one. Right now a bunny and a dolly are within arm’s reach. That is the way it should be.

Play games. This is a tough one, but I am hoping that I find new friends who like to play board games.

Healing. If you know me at all, you are probably thinking well even just saying it is kind of redundant. It is sort of what I do in addition to breathing in and out. But it is important for me to do more intentional healing work on my childhood. I usually do one huge project a year; like connectedness two years ago and then pack leader/body energy last year. I see that there are many issues I would like to be more intentional and put focus on them this year. But also I am willing to be guided by my intuition and my spiritual guides as I get information. I think this will get much better and easier once I have my own home space where I don’t have to share the noise, energy, and life of others in it. And energy space of my own is something that has proven to be important to me.

Reiki energy healing work. This year has already showed me how much I can do, if I only can just get focused and do. I am really heartened and encouraged at all that I have seen and been able to experience lately in this healing work and am so very very excited about it all. I am a healer.

I have already done four Reiki healing sessions for others and two for myself this month. I have plans on working on myself with Reiki a lot this month and probably for months. My Reiki sessions on myself have been wonderfully powerful and I feel a huge amount of damage falling away from me. That is so lovely.

I am also more connected to my Reiki Masters (Teachers) lately and can ask them advice and for feedback on what I am going through and that is very encouraging and mood boosting.I really need that. One of my Reiki Masters is talking to me about perhaps taking Rainbow Reiki classes. I guess I have to think about that, I think the answer is maybe. There is also the possibility of joining a group for Reiki shares, where Reiki people meet and do healing work on one another. I want to do that a lot, so long as there isn’t an abusive member. If there is, then I won’t be there.

I would also so much like to finally hook up with some other drummers, especially for a women’s drum circle, if that can happen, I would be very happy indeed. I have a drum, but I just don’t use it. What I have concluded recently is that I need to do more Reiki healing first before working with the drum. So I am working on that.

I am planning on finishing up my fourth level class for Karuna Reiki, the compassion Reiki. For those of you who know me,  you can probably guess I kind of ran at the idea of classes that were specifically for compassion for others and healing them, especially for child abuse issues.

I have joined a few meetup groups that meet locally and am really hoping and excited about the possibilities of fun, connections, adventure, and joy that attending some good groups might bring. Mostly that will have to wait for another couple of months for nicer weather. If nothing else I will keep reaching.

What do I want for others this year, blog friends and others that I love?

To quote Michael Buble in his version of Feliz Navidad, I wish you love and joy.

Blogging

I’ve been able to write and post more regularly now that I have a computer to use from home. It’s been great for me. I love to write, when I have the peace, quiet, and time to do so. I’m able to post daily now.

Writing from the library was problematic, at best. There was far too much noise and activity going on around the computer tables at the downtown library. People really are hard of hearing and/or they love to listen to music the decibel level of a rock concert.  

The library nearest to where I live was harder, fewer computers and no extended usage. There was also too many people who knew each other chatting back and forth between the computers. Too many teenagers and kids too who came as a group or a family and just had to discuss every trivial thing amongst themselves, including how their game was going. If I hear a child go “wow!” one more time while playing an online game I might not be able to control myself and have to rush out of the room.

So both locations really effected my ability to concentrate and write posts. Many topics went to the wayside during those months. It’s hard to write something personal and emotional about being an abuse survivor while someone else is yelling or blasting music less than a foot away from you.

One thing I started doing, due to lack of access, was preparing a few posts in advance with later times and dates to be published, to keep my presence online while I couldn’t get access every day.

I take my online access much more seriously. My online friends mean so much and I won’t again put myself in a situation where I might lose that due to trusting others.

Since getting back online the last three months I have done more. I tend to have my healing quotes set up a month in advance. I have found I enjoy putting some related quotes together and having the time to look over all my collected quotes helps me do that.

I’ve settled into my blog once again. It’s been nice to have this place and to be able to travel around on the blogs late at night, when things are quiet and lovely. I schedule my posts to post daily at my blog at 12:05 am, central time.  I do this in honor of all survivors who are up late at night. As a life-long insomniac I like to have something new to do and read during the midnight hour. I am often up late and love to come here and see a new comment. Drop by. I’d love that.