The Guy Who I Could Not Make Into a Friend

I met this guy. A long, long time ago. We talked a lot a couple of times. I really liked him a lot… as a potential friend. I was upfront and honest with him from the beginning. I told him that I was not interested in him for dating, but as we had so many interests in common, it would be great if we could become friends.

Yes, he did hear me, as in the words did go into his ear and he was capable of hearing and understanding the words that I was saying. But no he did not hear me, in that he did not respect my no and not try to romanticize our interactions. After a few get-togethers and a few phone conversations I was so done and so over that.

There were two ways of looking at it; I had been very honest with him, and, I had not been brutally honest with him. I really don’t believe in being brutally honest with a guy. Well I guess it was true that I did not believe in being brutally honest back then, when I was  in my early twenties. Now I might actually believe in being brutally honest. Especially since not being brutally honest has not worked for me very well.

The reason that I am sharing about this is that I discovered recently that this guy lives in my apartment building. So I have thought about him a few times and tried to process that time I tried to make him my friend and he tried to make me his girlfriend. When I think and feel about this non-relationship I get overwhelmed with such feelings of anger at him.

I think we would have made great friends and it is hard not to think about how much better my life and potentially his life could have been if only we had managed to become and stay friends. If only he had been able to respect me and my boundaries and limitations to where our relationship could go or not go.

I had told him no and did go into some detail, though I tried to be as kind as humanly possible. I did not tell him the brutally honest truth, and he really seemed to be begging from that from me. He kept bringing up that sometimes you meet someone and feel nothing, but then you need to give it some time and see where it goes. I kept insisting that I knew where something could or could not go. The truth is that at that time in my life that was absolutely true.

The brutal truth is that I found his looks repulsive. I would never have told him that, I did keep insisting that he had no chance of having a dating relationship with me and never would. Perhaps that was brutal, but I don’t think so. He needed to be told the truth and when that didn’t matter to him, I needed to get him out of my life. So I did. I’ve always wished that we could have been friends.

Meeting him at the backdoor of our apartment building was a bit of a shock. Yes he looked just like himself, though older, and definitely not as tall as I remember him. I didn’t even recognize that it was him. He even told me his name, Richard, and that didn’t register right away. He mentioned his adult daughter and I think he talked about his partner, though I couldn’t tell if he was married or divorced or never married.

I excuse not connecting the dots because the security back door was not working and we were standing out in the cold. He called someone else in the building and asked them to let us in. He was nice and polite to me, giving me his phone number if I ever needed any help with anything, he noticed that I had a cane, and even offered to help me take my things up the stairway.  He had seemed nice back then as well, except for disrespecting me and my boundaries, so I guess that means not very nice. I’ve run into him a few times in the halls and he always asks me if I need help getting my groceries upstairs, though I always say no to everyone in the building. When I figured out it was him I deleted his phone number from my phone. I don’t think he has ever made the connection to me and the me from the past.

He is the person I am always thinking of when I say, you can’t make some guy be a friend when he doesn’t want to be your friend and instead wants something else. And I always feel sad about that. So I guess anger isn’t the only thing that I think and feel about when I think of Richard. Perhaps he couldn’t have been a good friend to someone. Perhaps my estimation of him was wrong. Perhaps I give him a lot more credit than he deserves. Perhaps I didn’t miss out on anything.

I know that guys get all pissy about women putting them “in the friendzone.” I know that is something that men call it when women offer men that they are not sexually attracted to instead of a sexual relationship. But that was not what I was doing. I don’t offer the “lesser” of two relationships to everyone that I don’t want to date, or not even to a few guys. I’ve only offered a friendship with a guy in real life, a few rare times. None of them worked out. None of them had a good respect for my boundaries.  None of them were free from sexual issues. I guess trying to make men my friend, in real life,  just doesn’t work out. I guess I can admit that now and it just is what it is and I am okay with that.

I think I would probably still offer friendship to a guy in real life, who was gay.

I also think it is a great thing that friendships with guys online have worked out so much better. So I got that going for me.

 

28 Days of Love: Passion

7. Passion

You’re an Odd One, Different

Mentions physical assault by female parent.

I met someone about four years ago. She seemed to like me a lot. She was really drawn to me. She seemed to value me. She told me that I was a very strong Reiki healer. No one else ever said anything positive to me among the Reiki people that I knew. I started to believe her.

We talked on a phone a little. We got together and went out to eat a couple of times. We did Reiki on each other one day. She spoke of spending more time with me. It sort of never happened. And then I moved out of state and back again. We rarely talked on the phone, only because I called her. I would still call her, leave messages with her partner and on her machine, and still send her emails, but I was not getting any call-backs from her. The last time I spoke to her she said that she was too busy and would call me back in six months or so when she had some time. She never did.

When we did talk I thought that she was running over my boundaries a lot. She would ask a lot of very, very personal questions, ones that were none of her business. It was an old pattern for me to answer all her questions. My mother, who sexually abused me, used to ask me questions when I was a child and if I did not answer her or if she did not like my answers she would become enraged, run at me, and physically assault me. So I have a lot of trouble having appropriate boundaries around questions and answers and she seemingly has no boundaries when it comes to questioning me. I do not know if she does this to others, but she really does it to me.

Since I had been very lonely this last month I have gotten out all my numbers and tried to connect to everyone here in my home state that I have not been successful in making a re-connection with since moving home.

I talked to her. She blamed me for not calling her, even though I pointed out to her that I had often tried to re-connect. She blamed me for us not getting together, even though she had told me that she didn’t have time for me, even though I still called her and left messages. She asked me really inappropriate questions about why I have not started a Reiki business nor made it successful. I don’t want to admit it, but I answered a lot of her questions. I really felt backed into a corner and that is not a place that I am comfortable with, due to past abuse history and triggers.

She acted like she was not happy with my answers. They are my answers, what is to like or not  like about them? They are about my life, what I am dealing with, and how I am doing, not about her or what she has or hasn’t done with me or whether or not she has been a friend to me in the last four years. I was being honest with her. I don’t know what is to get upset about.

She asked me what is wrong, apparently she could tell I was upset. I lost what I thought was my best friend, I was lonely, I was alone, I didn’t want to be. I told her, nothing. She asked again, what is wrong? I said nothing. She said, no really what is it? I said nothing is wrong.

(I wasn’t lying to her. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong in my life. Nothing is wrong with my life. It is my life. It isn’t wrong to feel one thing or another or to experience one thing or another. I am a human being.  I am living my life. There is nothing wrong in that.)

She sighed and muttered something. I asked, what? She said you’re an odd one, different. I asked her, what about me or what I said do you find odd or different. She said, you, the way you are.

I think you can guess if I will ever be calling her again.

My New Year’s Resolutions

I looked over what I posted to the blog the last three years. I didn’t remember them in as much detail as I thought I had, so it was good to have the reminder.

2010

2011

2012

I suppose many of the same goals are present in my mind this year. But I’m going to do something different this year. I’m going to try to be as specific about what I want to do, not just have more fun, or to look at the stars or to do more activities, but also what kind of activities and how I want to engage with them.

Some things I do now, but I want to encourage myself into doing them more often. Some things I don’t do right now, but want to and have wanted to get started for some time. So some of my goals are to do some activities every day, once a week or once a month; depending on how active I can be, how much I am already doing the activity, and how much it is possible where I live right now (this includes the home space as well as the distance and effort it might take to take part in the activity somewhere else). I am trying to build in a way that I encourage myself, push myself creatively, while giving myself permission to do less without building up more bad feelings about myself.

Word of the Year: Sunny

Phrase of the Year: Keep Reaching. Thanks David. 🙂

Three word summary on Healing: Walk Your Path

Read. (Every day, if possible.)

Last year I read 107 books, the year before 100, and the year before that over 200, because I was lacking a tv, or dvd player. I love reading but it is a discipline and I have to remind myself to read, especially when there are so many other things I can now do online and watch on tv and the dvd player and especially since my health issues have gotten so much worse. Reading is a priority that I want to fit into my schedule.

Read children’s books. This is something The Littles love to do! I have been remiss this past year. At Christmas time we did do more books and they loved that. But I need to be more diligent for them.

Bike. (Every day, wheather and health permitting.)

Christmas. As my lovely friend Granny told me in one of my comments from my post Thanksgiving Was Great, “I say enjoy any holiday any time you can. If you want to celebrate Christmas all year round – go for it! Whatever works for you works.”

So I resolved to do Christmas year round this year. After Epiphany I took down and packed up most of the decorations. But I left several really great things out still, including the decorated Christmas bush. I still have the Christmas coloring books out after coloring this month. I’ve watched some Christmas dvds and listened to some Christmas music so far this month. I want to make some Christmas crafts. I hope to be able to do a lot more once I move and have some more space than just my bedroom to move around and do things, doing crafts takes more space.

Music. Every day, if at all possible.

Singing, love it. Don’t do enough of it. Try to do it every day.

Move, dance. Every day, if at all possible.

Walk and exercise. As often as possible. I am using my treadmill and doing some exercises that help strengthen my legs and core.

Fun and laughter. We love those things and our life is not nearly full to bursting of those things. Right now I am exploring how to purposely bring more of it into our life.

Adventure. My lovely new friend Liz wrote about adventure for the New Year on her post Ring out the Old, Ring in the New. Yes adventure! I have to have that as a goal for this new year. I am planning on exploring and provoking adventure in my life, lol, and plan on doing one outside activity as an adventure each month and one activity for an online adventure. I’ll be reporting about that through the year.

Museums. I would like to go once a month. Last year I only went once and wonderfully it was with a friend, but this month I have gone to a wonderful exhibition and with a friend. I already have plans for another visit in a few months and want to think of another thing to go to before then.

Photography. We are finally doing this 🙂 and want to continue doing more.

Zoos. We have two zoos here in my area. They are both quite a ways away, but when the weather is warmer I am planning on going to both of them with my bike, so that I can ride the trails to see all the larger animals who live outside in warmer weather.

Friends and support. Be more present for online friends, as much as I am able. It is nice that my health is improving so that now I can do more rather than just wish to do more and hope that things will improve. Read new blogs and reach out more to those that I like. Seek new places and activities where I can find people that I will find resonance with and who might be more receptive to me.

Be as open as possible with them about how much you want the contact and what it means to me. I have trouble with this sometimes. I have always thought it was better not to ask for what I didn’t have, because then at least I wouldn’t get as directly and as personally rejected. I thought that it would hurt too much to be this honest on this level with others. But it hurts so much more to feel alone most of the time. This issue also calls for safety, boundaries, functionality, caution, and developing something with someone as time goes on. And I am going to keep reaching.

Do creativity. Every day. I want to try to remind myself to focus my attention on the fact that I already do certain things creatively, I just need to put my intention there and focus on it while doing some things that I do that are creative. It is an honoring and an acknowledgement to help me get out of feeling stuck creatively. If I can keep reminding myself that I am indeed creative in how I move through the world and live my life, then I have overcome the block that I am stuck and that I can’t do creative fun and creative work right now. It’s not true. I am doing them right now. I just want to do them more.

Write children’s books. We have wanted to do that for a long time. I will try to post what I have been doing once I get started.

Do creative projects. Once or month or once a week once I start doing more.

Collage projects. I love doing collage. It is one of my mediums that brings me true joy. Once a month or once a week as things start moving in a better direction in my life, moving and getting settled into my own place.

Poetry/writing. I have sort of been blocked from doing much in the last few years. If only I had knew that would be a consequence, that my creative work would be stalled in many ways, I never would have moved to live with anyone else. I have reached out to someone who is forming a group and there is a possibility of joining his poetry/writing group when it gets started. Not sure how this will go, but here is the thing. I know what I don’t want. I know what I won’t tolerate. I know what my boundaries are. I’ve already experienced that in a group. No matter what I need more practice doing connectedness while interacting with others. Group experiences like this will be good for me to continue attempting.

Combat clutter. Clutter is one of those things that gets in the way of my life and of doing everything. Clutter blocks up energy. But it is an old coping skill from my childhood when I needed to block up a lot of the energy that was negative, bad, destructive, and abusive. Having a small living space here means that it is so easy for clutter to get a foot hold. One bump and a whole pile of papers go tumbling, creating clutter if I don’t deal with it all promptly. It’s hard to still have to be living out of boxes, but  a lot of stuff still has to live in boxes until I move. I have gone through many of the boxes, donating some things, repacking most, and taking out some things I really want around me, special books, movies, and healing things. I still have more boxes to go through.

Puzzles. The Littles love to do puzzles. I buy them from used stores and we have quite a lot of them right now. Once a month or more.

Coloring books. I know I’ve written about this issue in December. At least once a month.

Dollies and stuffies. I often forget to put them near me when I am on the computer and often don’t get up for them while working when someone wants to snuggle one. Right now a bunny and a dolly are within arm’s reach. That is the way it should be.

Play games. This is a tough one, but I am hoping that I find new friends who like to play board games.

Healing. If you know me at all, you are probably thinking well even just saying it is kind of redundant. It is sort of what I do in addition to breathing in and out. But it is important for me to do more intentional healing work on my childhood. I usually do one huge project a year; like connectedness two years ago and then pack leader/body energy last year. I see that there are many issues I would like to be more intentional and put focus on them this year. But also I am willing to be guided by my intuition and my spiritual guides as I get information. I think this will get much better and easier once I have my own home space where I don’t have to share the noise, energy, and life of others in it. And energy space of my own is something that has proven to be important to me.

Reiki energy healing work. This year has already showed me how much I can do, if I only can just get focused and do. I am really heartened and encouraged at all that I have seen and been able to experience lately in this healing work and am so very very excited about it all. I am a healer.

I have already done four Reiki healing sessions for others and two for myself this month. I have plans on working on myself with Reiki a lot this month and probably for months. My Reiki sessions on myself have been wonderfully powerful and I feel a huge amount of damage falling away from me. That is so lovely.

I am also more connected to my Reiki Masters (Teachers) lately and can ask them advice and for feedback on what I am going through and that is very encouraging and mood boosting.I really need that. One of my Reiki Masters is talking to me about perhaps taking Rainbow Reiki classes. I guess I have to think about that, I think the answer is maybe. There is also the possibility of joining a group for Reiki shares, where Reiki people meet and do healing work on one another. I want to do that a lot, so long as there isn’t an abusive member. If there is, then I won’t be there.

I would also so much like to finally hook up with some other drummers, especially for a women’s drum circle, if that can happen, I would be very happy indeed. I have a drum, but I just don’t use it. What I have concluded recently is that I need to do more Reiki healing first before working with the drum. So I am working on that.

I am planning on finishing up my fourth level class for Karuna Reiki, the compassion Reiki. For those of you who know me,  you can probably guess I kind of ran at the idea of classes that were specifically for compassion for others and healing them, especially for child abuse issues.

I have joined a few meetup groups that meet locally and am really hoping and excited about the possibilities of fun, connections, adventure, and joy that attending some good groups might bring. Mostly that will have to wait for another couple of months for nicer weather. If nothing else I will keep reaching.

What do I want for others this year, blog friends and others that I love?

To quote Michael Buble in his version of Feliz Navidad, I wish you love and joy.

Healing Quotes Teens 147

“Do not bring people in your life who bring you down. And trust your instincts… Good relationships feel good. They feel right. They don’t hurt. They’re not painful. It’s not just with somebody you want to marry. But it’s with the friends that you choose. It’s with the people you surround yourself with.”
.
~ Michelle Obama

Happy One Year Anniversary

Happy One Year friendship Anniversary to my friends Red and Granny.

Last year, like every year, I surfed around a lot on wordpress looking at Christmas posts. I did the year before and the year before that.

Initially in 2009 I had left some comments in posts that I really really loved. Then I got upset, thinking they might come to my blog and read about me. The old stigma about being multiple and having a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder got to me and I left fewer comments as time went on when I found a blog that was not abuse-related and/or blogger that I liked. In 2010 I didn’t really leave comments and I didn’t create a post about the Christmas posts that I liked.

In 2011 I really liked so many posts that I made up another post on my favorite Christmas posts with links and left some comments. The worry came back to me. I thought, well they will just have to accept that abuse happens, that people become multiple through abuse, and that I am multiple. After all that is what I am willing to do with other with survivor bloggers.

I thought, I am loveable, I am willing to take the chance that someone could visit my blog after I leave a comment and let them interact with me or not. I don’t have anything to be ashamed of because I am multiple. I don’t have to worry if someone wants to interact with me in advance, they can decide. It’s taken me a very long time to come to that belief, but here I am.

That is what happened. Today is the one year anniversary of my interacting with my friends Dirty Red, blog Relationsh*t and Granny, blog The Village Granny. Thank you beloveds. Your friendships are beautiful gifts and I treasure yous.

Happy One Year Anniversary.

I Know When You’re Listening

After knowing you for the last few years, I know that I am not your friend and that I will never be your friend. I’ve known that for a long time.

We don’t hang out together, there really is no reason to. But when we interact with others, you try to shut me out and shut me up. I know when you’re listening. I know when you aren’t listening. When I start talking in a group and half way through my first sentence I can tell you aren’t listening anymore. I know you were listening. I know that you stopped and aren’t listening anymore.

To listen would cost you so little. It wouldn’t even be necessary to care about me, just common courtesy. I’ve listened to you, lots. Lots of inane stories, beliefs, incidents, daily happenings, etc. This is what people do, they listen to one another. Even my family of origin, some of them are terrible emotional and verbal abusers, don’t treat me like this.

Maybe my conversational skills are not sparkling. I think they are pretty good. I’m smart. I have two degrees. I care intensely about human rights. I am knowledgable about current events. I care about people. I am attentive and a fan of a number of subjects, television shows, movies, novels, pop culture, society, culture, etc.

I know that you have been told that I am “sensitive.” It doesn’t take a “sensitive” or intutive person to tell when someone is tuning them out or when someone is rude or short with them. Tones of voice are easy for anyone to interpret. Anyone can tell that someone never says hello or goodbye or asks for a favor, but expects them, and never says thank you, and never does anything in return, or when someone returns a belonging that is damaged or not at all. You don’t have to be “sensitive” in order to notice or be hurt by any of those things. Recripocity is a concept beyond you.

When I damage or ruin something of someone else’s, through accident or neglect, I give the person money to replace it and I’m poor and on a small disability fixed income. This would be a normal and acceptable societal behavior.

Yes I expect you to treat me with as much integrity and respect as I treat you. No you won’t be getting anything else from me, not my respect, not my time, not my love, not my friendship. I gave you lots of time and opportunities, but no more. No it’s not that much worse than how the other people we both know have been treating me. But they have not been given my friendship either.

I deserve better than that. I deserve better than that from you. I deserve better than that from them.  No, no one can make someone else be what they want or need. No I am not trying to do that. I am just saying it is over.

I really am a very devoted and loyal friend to those who love and care about me. My friendship is a precious thing. You will never know.