You’re an Odd One, Different

Mentions physical assault by female parent.

I met someone about four years ago. She seemed to like me a lot. She was really drawn to me. She seemed to value me. She told me that I was a very strong Reiki healer. No one else ever said anything positive to me among the Reiki people that I knew. I started to believe her.

We talked on a phone a little. We got together and went out to eat a couple of times. We did Reiki on each other one day. She spoke of spending more time with me. It sort of never happened. And then I moved out of state and back again. We rarely talked on the phone, only because I called her. I would still call her, leave messages with her partner and on her machine, and still send her emails, but I was not getting any call-backs from her. The last time I spoke to her she said that she was too busy and would call me back in six months or so when she had some time. She never did.

When we did talk I thought that she was running over my boundaries a lot. She would ask a lot of very, very personal questions, ones that were none of her business. It was an old pattern for me to answer all her questions. My mother, who sexually abused me, used to ask me questions when I was a child and if I did not answer her or if she did not like my answers she would become enraged, run at me, and physically assault me. So I have a lot of trouble having appropriate boundaries around questions and answers and she seemingly has no boundaries when it comes to questioning me. I do not know if she does this to others, but she really does it to me.

Since I had been very lonely this last month I have gotten out all my numbers and tried to connect to everyone here in my home state that I have not been successful in making a re-connection with since moving home.

I talked to her. She blamed me for not calling her, even though I pointed out to her that I had often tried to re-connect. She blamed me for us not getting together, even though she had told me that she didn’t have time for me, even though I still called her and left messages. She asked me really inappropriate questions about why I have not started a Reiki business nor made it successful. I don’t want to admit it, but I answered a lot of her questions. I really felt backed into a corner and that is not a place that I am comfortable with, due to past abuse history and triggers.

She acted like she was not happy with my answers. They are my answers, what is to like or notย  like about them? They are about my life, what I am dealing with, and how I am doing, not about her or what she has or hasn’t done with me or whether or not she has been a friend to me in the last four years. I was being honest with her. I don’t know what is to get upset about.

She asked me what is wrong, apparently she could tell I was upset. I lost what I thought was my best friend, I was lonely, I was alone, I didn’t want to be. I told her, nothing. She asked again, what is wrong? I said nothing. She said, no really what is it? I said nothing is wrong.

(I wasn’t lying to her. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong in my life. Nothing is wrong with my life. It is my life. It isn’t wrong to feel one thing or another or to experience one thing or another. I am a human being.ย  I am living my life. There is nothing wrong in that.)

She sighed and muttered something. I asked, what? She said you’re an odd one, different. I asked her, what about me or what I said do you find odd or different. She said, you, the way you are.

I think you can guess if I will ever be calling her again.

21 thoughts on “You’re an Odd One, Different

  1. I happen to think you are awesome, just as you are. This woman sounds like a supreme twat. I know it hurts feeling as though you’ve lost her, but, I assure you, miss Kate, you don’t need ugly people like that in your life.

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    • Hello sweet Dirty Red!

      Lol, thank you dear. Sweetie, I am proud to say that I don’t feel sad or a loss about her. I have been recalling how I always felt worse about my life during and after talking to her. I don’t want to be with someone who does that to me. I don’t want to be with someone who thinks that about me and who judges me about that, and who says that to me.

      If someone says you are odd, different I expect the next thing for them to say is, and I love that about you, you are your own person, you don’t care what other people think of you, you want to live an individual, unique life and you have respect, care, love, compassion, empathy, purpose, love, integrity and I love all those things about you.

      Otherwise I don’t think that they see me very clearly or very lovingly. Which you are right, I deserve. Thanks for all your love and friendship and kind words and positive energy that you give me. We love you lots and lots dear Red.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

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  2. You *are* unique and different. Clearly what she meant was “you don’t fit inside the box I like to put people into.” She can keep that box, and the petty little things inside it. You’re free to fly to the stars if you want to, and you will. Love to you.

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    • Hi David,

      Thank you dear David. ๐Ÿ™‚ We love the stars and we love to fly free to the stars. ๐Ÿ™‚ Actually one of our inners does that! Lol. Amazing that you guessed that. ๐Ÿ™‚

      I really think that my life has gotten so much lighter recently ๐Ÿ™‚ and huge progress in healing is happening. I think Reiki healing has a part in that, but I do also believe that all the decisions I am making is proving how far I have come.

      I agree with you about the box. It was way too small for me to fit in it. I guess that is okay to me, but I ain’t gonna climb inside it.

      Everyone I knew from taking Reiki classes were doing it for money and since most of them were also massage therapists that made sense to me that they would feel comfortable using it in their business. But it has taken me a lot longer to get adjusted to that and I needed to work on my own healing, mental and physical. It was right to put myself first.

      I don’t share details of my abuse history or blog or much in-depth stuff with them. But I don’t think that I have to for them to extend to me love and acceptance. What I tend to get from them is a kind of standoffishness that does not lend itself to my self-disclosure.

      Doing Reiki for free for those that I have feelings of love for will always be a big part of my connection to Reiki healing energy. I don’t think any of them get that about me.

      Good and healing thoughts to you and to those you love.

      Kate

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  3. i’ve had quite a few people tell me i’m odd and different. at one time it used to hurt a lot but now i realise that it’s their problem, not mine and its the same with the person who said you were odd, it’s them thats the problem not you. For a start, what sort of person says i’ll contact you in six months when i’m not so busy ? sheesh, you don’t need people like that
    i hope you soon have a life with healthy people in it like you deserve
    much love to you Kate

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    • Hi,
      ” For a start, what sort of person says iโ€™ll contact you in six months when iโ€™m not so busy ? sheesh, you donโ€™t need people like that.”

      Lol, thanks so much. I guess people who don’t really want me in their life. Thank you for the hope of healthy people in my life, that will be so lovely. ๐Ÿ™‚

      I am so sorry that other people have said that to you. What is wrong with people? For one thing it is wrong to say stuff like that to others.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

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  4. Hi Kate,

    I’m glad you dumped your “friend”. She sounds like the last person you need around in your life. I’ve had the odd/different label given to me by conventional people too and I took it personally for awhile. But now I don’t mind being “odd” or different if that’s what someone wants to call me. I think I’m a great person and I’m pretty sure you are too. We are just being true to our personal values not allowing convention to dictate everything we do. Nothing wrong about that! ๐Ÿ™‚

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    • Hi,

      I’m sorry that you have gone through this as well. I know how hard struggling under an unloving label can be. I agree with you, about how people’s opinions like that don’t effect my self-esteem anymore and shouldn’t. I don’t know what it is about them. I can never figure out how they can be so rude and so deluded to think that their opinion of me is worth my time, emotion, or attention. Go figure. They are rude and have a bloated sense of self-importance.

      I’m not sure that she would understand if I explained about being a survivor. I have come to a place in my life where I know that people who don’t get me without that information will not have it in their heart to understand and be compassionate and empathetic about surviving child sexual abuse. If they don’t have love, acceptance, and compassion to begin with they have not proved to me that they are worthy of me, my love, my trust, or any disclosures.

      Thanks so much for your comment. ๐Ÿ™‚ It really touched me. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

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      • Good on you for recognizing you’re worth more than a few people’s hurtful opinions. This is something I struggle with. I try to remind myself of my worth independent of others’ opinions but at times it can affect me. Wish it didn’t ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

        I just want to wake up and not have anyone’s thoughts about me affect me negatively anymore. Sometimes I’m successful but if I’m low in mood it bothers me a lot.

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      • Hi,

        I guess sometimes it does get me down, but not so much anymore. I can relate to what you are saying that when you are down to begin with the emotional abuses of others is harder to brush off it’s affects.

        Here is what I think:

        1. It’s not something I would ever do to someone else.

        2. I consider it rude in the extreme, which I try to avoid most of the time. I do blunt, but not rude, unless I am on my bike and a driver doesn’t brake when they are heading right at me.

        3. We are all heavily influenced by the opinions and treatment of others. It always will affect us in some way, healing will make it easier, but it is so easy for a stranger to make someone else feel worse so they can feel better.

        4. I’m always shocked and amazed that others think that what they think should be said aloud and should be listened to and that their thoughts and beliefs should matter. Their thinking is inaccurate. They shouldn’t be listened to. Their thoughts and beliefs of the rude variety don’t matter to me.

        5. She had muttered to herself, this is a real sign of passive/aggressive behavior. She is making fun of me to herself, while on the phone with me, and then when I asked her to repeat what she said she did. How ridiculous. My whole family of origin was a hotbed of passive/aggressive behavior. I hate that stuff. That is not something I would willingly let back into my life right now. If I can stop seeing family members who have done many things for me, who do love me, who would make me meals and buy me presents if only I put up with their emotional and verbal abuses, well no one has a chance with me who treats me like that now.

        Once I got a good grip on that it has been a lot easier to cope with the loud opinions of those I don’t love. It doesn’t hurt and it doesn’t effect my self-esteem but it does make me angry and then I have to deal with that. Still I can be very fragile and vulnerable to those that I love. But I think that sort of is the definition of love.

        You are doing some great healing work to be able to ignore it some of the time. That is huge. Good for you. I remember being at that stage and I have to say just continuing with healing will bring it to you.

        Good and healing thoughts to you.

        Kate

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      • Thanks Kate ๐Ÿ™‚ The healing seems to be a lifelong process for me! If someone I respect or love says something hurtful it bothers me more than a stranger saying it. But it’s those annoying people in the acquaintance category that bug me most! Strangers I can brush off, acquaintances get trickier and family/friends I find most challenging. But I do manage to cope a lot better than a few years ago even. It’s a matter of reminding myself of my own worth and right to be who I am. That usually helps. Typically I always return to the thought “it’s my life and if they want me to do something in particular they’ll have to do it themselves!”. Employment has been my Achilles heel in my family. Likely because I haven’t become fully confident about what I’ll be doing. Not having a clear plan of action leaves me feeling vulnerable to criticism.

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      • Family really has the power to twist someone up so bad. I’ve been there so much of my life. So I really understand what you are saying about family and associating with them.

        I was reflecting lately how lucky I am that my mother died. At times I would not associate with her or with my sister. At times I did. They changed very little, they healed very little, they did a lot of passive aggressive crap. I wish that I was above the emotional harm that my family can and do inflict. The best that I can do is to avoid the worst of them and to encourage the most functional and answer back to the ones in the middle. I still don’t associate with the most abusive family members. I think that I would feel very powerless around them, even after all the work that I have done in healing. They are still so mean and devious and cruel with their words and no one challenges them or makes them be on their best behavior. I’m so glad that I don’t have them in my life anymore. I gave them years of trying to get them to change and to treat me respectfully.

        For me, I don’t love the family members who continue to be emotionally abusive anymore, it’s just the nature of love, you can beat it out of someone, through any kind of abuse, so it doesn’t hurt as much, sometimes it hurts only a little bit. For some of them it has been decades since they treated me like they loved me. For some of them they never have.

        It hurts more that I had to give up so many others who go to my sister’s house for holidays. Still, they get to make the choices on whether or not they want to make the extra effort to see me. It hurts on holidays when I am alone, even though I made the choice. It was not a good choice, be alone at home or go to a house where others think it is good times to mistreat me. Still I enjoy being alone and abuse free more than anything they could say or do, any gift they could give me or any meal that I would get to have.

        I think that I am further along in healing these areas due to several deaths of abusers in my family and because I have had so many years to work on healing. You will get to that place as well.

        Good and healing thoughts to you.

        Kate

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      • Thank you Kate. I avoid abusive family as much as possible too. The meals and gifts aren’t enough of a trade off to be treated poorly.

        My mom died 4 years ago so that was when I started healing. Up ’til that point I’d been in therapy for the abuse I’d suffered but I never went too deep. 2010 was a big year for me in terms of healing. Realizing the abuse I’d suffered from my mom was S.A. and then scattering her ashes finally. It’s been getting better little by little everyday. I never expected to know what joy or positive emotions were but I do now. So I’m happy about the progress I’ve made. The things left bothering me are to do with self confidence in who I am. Being able to take pride in my accomplishments and my healing. That’s what I want to work on and am working on. But I’d like a therapist except I can’t afford one. I don’t care for psychiatrists or social workers. Psychologists are the only ones I ever did well with but they cost too much.

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      • I didn’t remember the mother-daughter sexual abuse until mine had been dead for four years. I think that is how powerful the pain and abuse she had inflicted on us was. Since then I tried several therapists but didn’t find someone who I could talk to about mdsa. I’d like to try to again, if I could find the right therapist, but right now I can’t afford the co-pay that medicare requires. Equity for therapists co-pays with doctor visits co-pays will not happen until 2014. Right now they are not affordable for me and they like that, because less people can access necessary services and they save a lot of money.

        I’m glad that you have found so much healing since then. I can relate to the lack of work or career success. This was a big big issue for me. I didn’t believe in myself much and without help to believe or develop some skills, that I always thought my family could have helped me with, I ended up taking very exploitative jobs for less pay than I deserved, with crummy bosses and little potential to go higher up in a company. My family would be so self-satisfied by it all with a little shake of their heads, like why didn’t I just ignore all their programming that I was worthless and go out there and be completely healed? Yeah right, it takes a lot of work and time to heal, which they always objected to when I would tell them that, including my mother abuser. She believed that once I was an adult it was all my fault that I wasn’t immediately well and happy and successful. My mother was good at the subtle and the not so subtle emotional and verbal abuses.

        So I can definitely relate to what you wrote about. Good and healing thoughts to you.

        Kate

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      • It’s “crazy”(pardon the pun) that abusers think adults magically heal simply b/c we’ve left childhood. What happened in the past doesn’t exactly stay in the past until you’ve worked through the abuses. But that’s how they justify their behaviour so they aren’t responsible. My mom just flat out denied being abusive since she always used her childhood to demonstrate mine was “easy”.

        How long has your mom been dead now? If that’s okay-otherwise don’t answer. Mine’s been dead 4.3 yrs.

        I hope we both are able to get affordable therapists! lol Sad that I’d rather win free therapy than a car or trip, etc. ๐Ÿ˜›

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      • Hi,

        Fourteen years ago. So I started to remember about ten years ago, while in college. My mother never admitted to anything, even when she had a health crisis, even when she was dying of cancer. She got to die in peace, without anyone knowing what a monster, what a sex offender she was. I hate her for that. She owed me the truth.

        She always blamed me for all my problems but all of hers were caused by others, even to blame me when she dropped food on the kitchen floor. Ewww I was some powerful little child.

        My mother would always bring up how awful her childhood was as well, as though it was okay for her to be an awful person and an abuser because, for example, she had to eat certain foods that were awful when I brought up how much I hated certain foods she forced me to eat, when she was perfectly capable of not making me eat those foods, the fact was she enjoyed making me suffer.

        It was always one reason after another, none of it was her fault, she was abused so much, blah blah blah, but children they were to be blamed harshly for the most simple actions and she saw no dissonace in her belief system. She was a borderline, which I realize is not an explanation either. I know other survivors online who are borderline now and they don’t go around abusing little girls and they are nice people who are struggling to live and to heal.

        I used to qualify for health insurance through my state so I could afford to go to therapy. I miss that a lot. But I hated DBT, that I don’t miss and was glad to quit it.

        Good and healing thoughts to you.

        Kate

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  5. Your internet family obviously cares a great deal about you (look at all these people)! I know I do! I love every single one of you, and I’m happy to call you my friend. โค

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    • Oh dear Red, you made me cry. We love you very much dear brave fiery Red. We treasure you in our heart. Thank you so much for being our friend. God bless you and the day we found you blogging.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

      Like

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