28 Days of Love: Friendship

6. Friendship

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You’re an Odd One, Different

Mentions physical assault by female parent.

I met someone about four years ago. She seemed to like me a lot. She was really drawn to me. She seemed to value me. She told me that I was a very strong Reiki healer. No one else ever said anything positive to me among the Reiki people that I knew. I started to believe her.

We talked on a phone a little. We got together and went out to eat a couple of times. We did Reiki on each other one day. She spoke of spending more time with me. It sort of never happened. And then I moved out of state and back again. We rarely talked on the phone, only because I called her. I would still call her, leave messages with her partner and on her machine, and still send her emails, but I was not getting any call-backs from her. The last time I spoke to her she said that she was too busy and would call me back in six months or so when she had some time. She never did.

When we did talk I thought that she was running over my boundaries a lot. She would ask a lot of very, very personal questions, ones that were none of her business. It was an old pattern for me to answer all her questions. My mother, who sexually abused me, used to ask me questions when I was a child and if I did not answer her or if she did not like my answers she would become enraged, run at me, and physically assault me. So I have a lot of trouble having appropriate boundaries around questions and answers and she seemingly has no boundaries when it comes to questioning me. I do not know if she does this to others, but she really does it to me.

Since I had been very lonely this last month I have gotten out all my numbers and tried to connect to everyone here in my home state that I have not been successful in making a re-connection with since moving home.

I talked to her. She blamed me for not calling her, even though I pointed out to her that I had often tried to re-connect. She blamed me for us not getting together, even though she had told me that she didn’t have time for me, even though I still called her and left messages. She asked me really inappropriate questions about why I have not started a Reiki business nor made it successful. I don’t want to admit it, but I answered a lot of her questions. I really felt backed into a corner and that is not a place that I am comfortable with, due to past abuse history and triggers.

She acted like she was not happy with my answers. They are my answers, what is to like or not  like about them? They are about my life, what I am dealing with, and how I am doing, not about her or what she has or hasn’t done with me or whether or not she has been a friend to me in the last four years. I was being honest with her. I don’t know what is to get upset about.

She asked me what is wrong, apparently she could tell I was upset. I lost what I thought was my best friend, I was lonely, I was alone, I didn’t want to be. I told her, nothing. She asked again, what is wrong? I said nothing. She said, no really what is it? I said nothing is wrong.

(I wasn’t lying to her. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong in my life. Nothing is wrong with my life. It is my life. It isn’t wrong to feel one thing or another or to experience one thing or another. I am a human being.  I am living my life. There is nothing wrong in that.)

She sighed and muttered something. I asked, what? She said you’re an odd one, different. I asked her, what about me or what I said do you find odd or different. She said, you, the way you are.

I think you can guess if I will ever be calling her again.

A Friend Lost

I’m not sure if this title is exactly accurate, but it feels as though it is true. I was the one to end the friendship, or perhaps I was the first one to voice that we weren’t friends any longer and to say that it was over with.

We had been online friends for many years. We talked on the phone a lot, posted to a message board to one another a lot, and wrote emails back and forth to one another. Over time we became very close, I thought. I trusted her and told her things that I didn’t have anyone else to tell. Having a close friend who is a survivor, who I can share a great deal with and share a great deal in our backgrounds, was tremendously healing from me.

Then things changed. More and more I was losing people or losing contact or closeness to them, including her. Over time I was very lonely and started trying to find more avenues online where I could reach out to others. Actually this is one of the big reasons that I started a blog. From the beginning of my blog I loved the contact with others and with their blogs. I wanted to reach out to others, but it was beyond my ability to hope or even envision finding others who were reaching back to me.

I hadn’t heard from this friend in the last few months and I had been going through so much loneliness. I know that isn’t anyone else’s fault. I know that she was dealing with her own stuff, but I just didn’t know what her own stuff was, no contact. I know that I wanted to do more activities and find more friends, but my health was seriously getting in the way of that, as always, though perhaps more in the last six months.

She had been sick a lot lately. When I found out I offered to do Reiki distance healing energy for her for free. She agreed. I did seven hours for her for free. We had several difficult emails where she accused me of many things, including trying to get money from her for them and then that I was not being professional. Free sort of doesn’t equate with professional, free is free, professional is for pay. I wrote to her that I had done this out of the love in my heart.

I thought about it that night after I had written her another email. I thought that she is not my friend anymore, if she were she would not write such hateful and ugly things to me. I thought oh I must be going to feel very horrible about all of this. But the fact is that I didn’t feel anything at all. I looked inside myself and all I saw was this huge empty space where our friendship should have been. I was very surprised. If you had asked me before that moment I never would have said that is what I would feel. There was nothing there. I thought that I had lost her a long time ago and that was why there was nothing there.

The next day I got another email and wrote back saying we weren’t friends anymore. I think I was just stating a fact, rather than breaking up with her as a friend. We aren’t friends anymore. There’s nothing I can do about that. There’s nothing I want to do about that. I don’t feel sad about that. I don’t feel anything about that.

Instead I felt all the loneliness I had been feeling the last six months. I know that’s not all about her and that I certainly wasn’t looking for her to fill up that space inside me now, after what’s happened. Getting feedback from some online friends through this has really helped buoy me and given me some great advice. I am making plans for my life and making things better day by day. I love and appreciate all the good things that I do have. And I want so much more. With that in mind I am going to keep reaching.

I Know When You’re Listening

After knowing you for the last few years, I know that I am not your friend and that I will never be your friend. I’ve known that for a long time.

We don’t hang out together, there really is no reason to. But when we interact with others, you try to shut me out and shut me up. I know when you’re listening. I know when you aren’t listening. When I start talking in a group and half way through my first sentence I can tell you aren’t listening anymore. I know you were listening. I know that you stopped and aren’t listening anymore.

To listen would cost you so little. It wouldn’t even be necessary to care about me, just common courtesy. I’ve listened to you, lots. Lots of inane stories, beliefs, incidents, daily happenings, etc. This is what people do, they listen to one another. Even my family of origin, some of them are terrible emotional and verbal abusers, don’t treat me like this.

Maybe my conversational skills are not sparkling. I think they are pretty good. I’m smart. I have two degrees. I care intensely about human rights. I am knowledgable about current events. I care about people. I am attentive and a fan of a number of subjects, television shows, movies, novels, pop culture, society, culture, etc.

I know that you have been told that I am “sensitive.” It doesn’t take a “sensitive” or intutive person to tell when someone is tuning them out or when someone is rude or short with them. Tones of voice are easy for anyone to interpret. Anyone can tell that someone never says hello or goodbye or asks for a favor, but expects them, and never says thank you, and never does anything in return, or when someone returns a belonging that is damaged or not at all. You don’t have to be “sensitive” in order to notice or be hurt by any of those things. Recripocity is a concept beyond you.

When I damage or ruin something of someone else’s, through accident or neglect, I give the person money to replace it and I’m poor and on a small disability fixed income. This would be a normal and acceptable societal behavior.

Yes I expect you to treat me with as much integrity and respect as I treat you. No you won’t be getting anything else from me, not my respect, not my time, not my love, not my friendship. I gave you lots of time and opportunities, but no more. No it’s not that much worse than how the other people we both know have been treating me. But they have not been given my friendship either.

I deserve better than that. I deserve better than that from you. I deserve better than that from them.  No, no one can make someone else be what they want or need. No I am not trying to do that. I am just saying it is over.

I really am a very devoted and loyal friend to those who love and care about me. My friendship is a precious thing. You will never know.

Connectedness to Angel Spirit

I wish I could explain this good, but I don’t have a good grasp of it myself. The Littles are the ones who first introduced me to the concept of angel spirit. I’ve asked them to explain it to me, but they get too upset and very emotional about it all. All I know is the emotions that they have shared with me and how much love they have for those who have an angel spirit. So I would have to say it is a huge amount of love and emotion that they are feeling.

More than twenty years ago they told me that a friend of ours was an angel spirit. They loved her very much and never wanted her to leave from our life. It was very sad when she ebbed out of our life.

Our friend Joanies, who reads our blog, also has an angel spirit. We love her so much. One of our best friends, Fish, has an angel spirit as well.

The Littles have managed to communicate to me a few words. They believe that these people don’t have a human spirit, they have an angel spirit. I didn’t know that was possible. But if it is possible, then my two friends are definitely angel spirits.

I love you Joanies. I love you Fish.

Hello Skype

For the first time ever I spoke to my friend in the UK. We have been online friends for eight years. She really is one of the sweetest people in the whole wide world. We skyped, but there were some hiccups.

My headset/mic can only work for listening or as a mic, not both at the same time, because apparently I need a headset that can plug into both the mic and headphone slots on my computer and I don’t. So we took turns talking and typing.

Now I just gotta buy the right headphones set. Well in my defense it does work on the cell and the phone and on the box it said it would work for computers. But it doesn’t do what I need.

I loved her British accent. She said yeah mine sounded American, but of course, she said, I would since I am from America. Yeah.

We talked a lot about things we don’t usually talk about and I realized that typing has really gotten in the way of the amount of topics we cover, especially daily life things which are nice to catch up on and to know about.

She said that hearing my voice and having me talk to her made me seem more real. Yeah. But she has always seemed very real to me.

I Would Kiss You, But You’re Too Vapid

Lol.

I was talking with my friend Eric on the phone recently. He reminded me of the phrase, I would kiss you, but you’re too vapid. I had said it.

He was visiting last summer. We had a great lunch, at one of my favorite places. Then we walked over to the nearby lake. We were sitting out by the lake on the grass. It was a lovely day. Lots of people were coming and going around the area. We sat in the shade and talked. He did some reiki healing work on me and we talked some more.

The phrase is funny, I have to admit, even taken out of context. I was talking about some guy, sorry I can’t remember what guy I was referring to. Lol. But right when I said it a couple were walking by behind me and overheard what I said.

Eric wanted them to know, I wasn’t saying it about him. No, I wasn’t. Lol. Really, very nice strangers, he is a nice guy. Yes, really, someone well worth kissing.

No, he’s not vapid. If he was we couldn’t be friends. If he was vapid, he wouldn’t want me. If he was vapid, I couldn’t make a friendship with him. I like my men tasty.

I talk like that, really I do, but remembering it only made me laugh and think for several hours of summer. That was excellent.