I Know When You’re Listening

After knowing you for the last few years, I know that I am not your friend and that I will never be your friend. I’ve known that for a long time.

We don’t hang out together, there really is no reason to. But when we interact with others, you try to shut me out and shut me up. I know when you’re listening. I know when you aren’t listening. When I start talking in a group and half way through my first sentence I can tell you aren’t listening anymore. I know you were listening. I know that you stopped and aren’t listening anymore.

To listen would cost you so little. It wouldn’t even be necessary to care about me, just common courtesy. I’ve listened to you, lots. Lots of inane stories, beliefs, incidents, daily happenings, etc. This is what people do, they listen to one another. Even my family of origin, some of them are terrible emotional and verbal abusers, don’t treat me like this.

Maybe my conversational skills are not sparkling. I think they are pretty good. I’m smart. I have two degrees. I care intensely about human rights. I am knowledgable about current events. I care about people. I am attentive and a fan of a number of subjects, television shows, movies, novels, pop culture, society, culture, etc.

I know that you have been told that I am “sensitive.” It doesn’t take a “sensitive” or intutive person to tell when someone is tuning them out or when someone is rude or short with them. Tones of voice are easy for anyone to interpret. Anyone can tell that someone never says hello or goodbye or asks for a favor, but expects them, and never says thank you, and never does anything in return, or when someone returns a belonging that is damaged or not at all. You don’t have to be “sensitive” in order to notice or be hurt by any of those things. Recripocity is a concept beyond you.

When I damage or ruin something of someone else’s, through accident or neglect, I give the person money to replace it and I’m poor and on a small disability fixed income. This would be a normal and acceptable societal behavior.

Yes I expect you to treat me with as much integrity and respect as I treat you. No you won’t be getting anything else from me, not my respect, not my time, not my love, not my friendship. I gave you lots of time and opportunities, but no more. No it’s not that much worse than how the other people we both know have been treating me. But they have not been given my friendship either.

I deserve better than that. I deserve better than that from you. I deserve better than that from them.  No, no one can make someone else be what they want or need. No I am not trying to do that. I am just saying it is over.

I really am a very devoted and loyal friend to those who love and care about me. My friendship is a precious thing. You will never know.