Word For the Year

I’ve never done this before, “One Little Word,” but I’ve heard of it. I also read about it from a blog friend, Meg, recently and got reminded about it. You pick a word for the year.

“One Little Word”, if you haven’t heard of it, is choosing one word, in lieu or in addition to New Year’s resolutions, to help focus the upcoming year.” ~ Meg.

Well  I guess, even though I’ve never really actually picked out a word, when I look back over the last ten years or more my word each year would have to be healing. I thought I might do that again. Well something about that just did not sit well with me and I thought that meant I should find another word.

Okay my mind was blank, but the word that appeared to me out of thin air was sunny. 🙂 I thought that might be a hard one for me, but it also seems to be a good idea for me this year. I could really do with a new method when I need to re-focus and try a new approach to something. It’s not that I don’t have good coping and life skills. I do. I just want tools in my toolkit.

I don’t mean shutting myself down or repressing what I am feeling or what has been brought up that needs some healing focus, acceptance, love, tolerance, and touch in my life. I don’t mean pretending or looking sunny. I don’t mean looking like I don’t have any problems or lying to others to make them feel better or trying to look happy when I am feeling the exact opposite and really need some compassion and support from others.

I think that I do positive and healthy and healing and courageous and a lot of things on my blog. I’ve had online friends say that I am a bring light, that I am sweet, that I inspire others, that I am positive in my online interactions. I sincerely hope so, that is a huge part of who I am. I would like to do that more in other areas of my life.

All of my childhood and all of my adulthood my family has chosen to see me as sad, depressed, negative, blue and it has always been a shadow behind me, above me, and around me.  A lot of time I see others responding to me that way too. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have them, a lot of varying emotions, and don’t express them or interact in ways that makes them obvious, at least I believe that I do. But I am much more than my challenging emotions and the aftermath and aftereffects and damage of child sexual abuse. I am full of hope. I am happy. I am thoughtful. I am complex. I am not just one thing.

Well I don’t exactly sing and dance for others in the street, even when I feel like it. I don’t exactly feel the need to pretend to be happy for others. But I’ve always noted that my life would be so much easier if only I could do the song and dance sctick for others. Not goin’ happen. I’m used to hiding my emotions in my life, it was merely self-preservation with my mother, who abused me sexually and in every way. It’s not something I do easily and it probably won’t be something I feel the need to do. However it is definitely something I want to have as an option; sometimes I do want to sing and dance in the street.

What I mean is choosing to approach life from a more open attitude wherever I am. I mean a willingness to embrace what is in me and with me in my life. I mean a year of shining for all my inners this year and allowing them more of a space for them to be, do, and breathe.

So my word for the year is sunny.

bright, clear, fine, brilliant, radiant, luminous, sunlit, summery, unclouded, sunshiny, without a cloud in the sky.

cheerful, happy, cheery, smiling, beaming, pleasant, optimistic, buoyant, joyful, genial, chirpy (informal), blithe, light-hearted.

Healing Quotes 349

“I want to believe that I’m not wrong. I want to believe that life isn’t full of darkness. Even if storms come to pass, the sun will shine again. No matter how painful and hard the rain may beat down on me.”

~ Natsuki Takaya

November Rain at just be.love all. live life.

Making Plans

I wanted to say to my online friends how much you all mean to me here. I know that I’ve said it before, but I wanted to say you all mean so much to me. I don’t do healing work easily or well when I am alone. I do it best when I am in community. Community is very important to me. I wouldn’t be where I am in healing if it wasn’t for each of you. You all mean so much to me.

Here is the thing; in the last four months I have gone to two museums with a friend. I haven’t been able to do that for years. I have gotten out about once a month to see a movie in a theater. So as desperate and alone as I am feeling, I have to keep reminding myself that I am making baby and important steps towards where I want to be in my life.

My health issues continue to improve. That helps me to be able to be more active and to do more and to make plans. Once I am done with the tests on Wednesday I will probably rest up a couple of days and start looking for a new place to live, because I have to move in about four months or so, and it is unfortunate but that might take up a lot of my energy that I would prefer not to, but I probably have to move by May. I am biking more miles, on average, a lot more. I am taking out my camera more and taking photos more and started posting to my blog. This is all huge for me.

I spent some time yesterday making some plans on some things I would like to do in the near future. I’ve written some activities down and hope that I can do at least some of these things. I’ve done this in the past and unfortunately couldn’t do any of the things several winters in a row, due to winter conditions, but also due to health issues. I hate when that happens.

I am exploring joining a newly forming writer/poetry group. I’m not sure about this. It is definitely something that I have wanted to do for a huge amount of time. I actually did try that in the past and it went very very bad and I will try to write about that experience in the near future and post it. So I am very hesitant. It would have to be run by someone who managed the group very good and made a very safe space and where I could feel comfortable and where my mostly abuse writing could be acceptable. I’ve experienced where it was not and I am unwilling to repeat that ever again. I won’t ever accept being mistreated in the context of creative work again. So for me it really depends on this person and what kind of person they are.

When I think of all my plans what I keep coming back to is that I live much too far out in the suburbs, way too far, to be able to do things that would be very manageable in the winter if only I was living in a place in Minneapolis, especially south Minneapolis, which is really the area I would like to live in the most. I also think that this is the area I want to live in for doing my healing work and for connecting to others on the basis of Reiki and energy healing and possible interactions and friendships. So this is my big hope. I am having trouble believing that all the good things will come to me, so if you can believe and hope for me, please do and that will be great and will really help me, because I could really use all the hope and belief that I can get right now.