A Month of Journey: Light

31. light

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Word For the Year

I’ve never done this before, “One Little Word,” but I’ve heard of it. I also read about it from a blog friend, Meg, recently and got reminded about it. You pick a word for the year.

“One Little Word”, if you haven’t heard of it, is choosing one word, in lieu or in addition to New Year’s resolutions, to help focus the upcoming year.” ~ Meg.

Well  I guess, even though I’ve never really actually picked out a word, when I look back over the last ten years or more my word each year would have to be healing. I thought I might do that again. Well something about that just did not sit well with me and I thought that meant I should find another word.

Okay my mind was blank, but the word that appeared to me out of thin air was sunny. 🙂 I thought that might be a hard one for me, but it also seems to be a good idea for me this year. I could really do with a new method when I need to re-focus and try a new approach to something. It’s not that I don’t have good coping and life skills. I do. I just want tools in my toolkit.

I don’t mean shutting myself down or repressing what I am feeling or what has been brought up that needs some healing focus, acceptance, love, tolerance, and touch in my life. I don’t mean pretending or looking sunny. I don’t mean looking like I don’t have any problems or lying to others to make them feel better or trying to look happy when I am feeling the exact opposite and really need some compassion and support from others.

I think that I do positive and healthy and healing and courageous and a lot of things on my blog. I’ve had online friends say that I am a bring light, that I am sweet, that I inspire others, that I am positive in my online interactions. I sincerely hope so, that is a huge part of who I am. I would like to do that more in other areas of my life.

All of my childhood and all of my adulthood my family has chosen to see me as sad, depressed, negative, blue and it has always been a shadow behind me, above me, and around me.  A lot of time I see others responding to me that way too. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have them, a lot of varying emotions, and don’t express them or interact in ways that makes them obvious, at least I believe that I do. But I am much more than my challenging emotions and the aftermath and aftereffects and damage of child sexual abuse. I am full of hope. I am happy. I am thoughtful. I am complex. I am not just one thing.

Well I don’t exactly sing and dance for others in the street, even when I feel like it. I don’t exactly feel the need to pretend to be happy for others. But I’ve always noted that my life would be so much easier if only I could do the song and dance sctick for others. Not goin’ happen. I’m used to hiding my emotions in my life, it was merely self-preservation with my mother, who abused me sexually and in every way. It’s not something I do easily and it probably won’t be something I feel the need to do. However it is definitely something I want to have as an option; sometimes I do want to sing and dance in the street.

What I mean is choosing to approach life from a more open attitude wherever I am. I mean a willingness to embrace what is in me and with me in my life. I mean a year of shining for all my inners this year and allowing them more of a space for them to be, do, and breathe.

So my word for the year is sunny.

bright, clear, fine, brilliant, radiant, luminous, sunlit, summery, unclouded, sunshiny, without a cloud in the sky.

cheerful, happy, cheery, smiling, beaming, pleasant, optimistic, buoyant, joyful, genial, chirpy (informal), blithe, light-hearted.