So That Doesn’t Work

Well I was interested in doing a gall bladder flush, but that won’t work for me. I can’t tolerate the apple juice even once and I am supposed to keep doing that two weeks, twice daily. I tried it on Thursday and my stomach area got much bigger from inflammation and the pain was really bad. So I had to stop that, which was very disheartening.

I have been doing Reiki healing sessions on myself the last ten days or so. So there is that. I am using the lipotropic supplement, which is an assist for kidney and gall bladder function.

I believe that since my digestive health issues are long-standing that my ability to metabolize vitamins and minerals has been negatively impacted, hence the several vitamin deficiencies I have experienced lo these many years and the necessity to take extra vitamins and minerals supplements.

Since starting on the probiotics about six weeks ago I feel that I am digesting foods much better and am hoping that will positively impact those areas of absorption of, vitamin d, iron, and iodine.

I am taking¬† vitamin supplements once again the last week or so, as I am able to tolerate taking them, which is great news, cause I really need them. I still need to go out and buy some vitamin d supplement, because I haven’t take those in over a year, since I was told my number was too high, which I totally disagreed on. It was a little high, but it was the beginning of winter and I wasn’t going to be getting much sun and with a history of vitamin deficiency I knew it would go down again without them. So I am testing at 50, which is too low as far as I am concerned, mostly because I feel so much better when my number is up higher. All I have to say about this experience is that doctors are a dope about vitamins.

Then of course there was the incompetent doctor I had for years who refused to believe in my digestive issues. I will always regret trusting him, especially since I realize that many of my issues were about my gall bladder and my stomach and he always brushed those concerns off that I expressed. Then of course there is also the chiropractor who never suggested any solutions outside of chiropractic. They like my money, but when it comes to giving me healing assistance, not so much healing gets reciprocated for my money and my insurance money.

It really has been the Reiki treatments over the years that have saved me and healed me and helped me manage. I am going to call my Reiki teacher and ask her if she has a Reiki healing share going on next Saturday, she has them on the first Saturday of the month, when she does them, and if so go next Saturday, as that always makes me feel tremendously better. If not I will ask her if she is interested in doing a Reiki share with the two of us sometime soon.

As I really can’t afford to pay $60 or more for one hour of Reiki. She used to charge that more than six years ago, so I have no idea what she is charging now. I know that I should be willing to pay for it, but it is just that I have spent so much on coping with being sick the last few months already and spent several hundred dollars that was meant to stay in my bank account already. I will see what she says. There is also another Reiki practitioner/teacher who I really love, so I might call her as well, but that will involve money as well, which is a lot of money to me. Well, I’ll let you all know how that goes.

Glad to Say I Am Feeling Better

I’m glad to say that I continue to improve and heal from my sinus infection. I hardly ever sneeze. I cough only rarely. My sinuses now feel somewhat painful instead of incredibly painful to the touch and almost normal. Oh my goodness that feels so much better and is such a relief.

I am doing Reiki energy healing on myself almost every day, as well as taking as good care of myself as I can. The Reiki really makes a noticeable difference in my functioning level. I can’t sleep at all on the nights that I don’t do Reiki, so I am trying really hard to make sure that I do Reiki, as I need the healing sleep so much more when I am sick. I slept a lot of hours yesterday and the day before that. I take that as a good sign.

It’s supposed to be cold again this week, the cold air from the north pole is coming to visit once again. I have to say how much I hate hate hate this cold weather with wind chills at minus 10 or worse. So much of the winter has been this bad and it is trying and tiring to have to restrict myself to my very small apartment and to have to try to go out into the bad weather for groceries. Going out for groceries one day last week made me much worse for several days, which pretty much makes me feel as though I can’t go anywhere without someone to drive me. For right now, it is good to stay inside and continue to get better, rather than worse. It is March and winter and I am yearning for nicer weather, though that might take some time.

The Reiki Healing Circle

About four months ago I started going to a Reiki healing circle that meets once a month. I’ve met several other very nice people who do Reiki. They do Reiki healing for free for anyone who shows up to the group. I’ve gotten some very powerful healing from them. I’ve been trying to talk and write about that and all it has done and the specific healing work that I have been doing since each session, but it has been hard for me to find the words, but I will try to post about that soon.

This month, for the first time I asked and was able to participate, and give Reiki healing energy to two other people that came to the group. That was wonderful. The two people were both artists and as an artist myself, I love and feel energized being around artists. So I got some Reiki healing energy for myself, got to give to others, and had a great time. ūüôā

Good News on Test Results

My tests came back negative, no H Pylori and negative on any problems on the testing for the polyp. All great news. All the causes of gastritis are things that I am not doing; no on use of aspirin, no on use of anti-inflammatories, no on use of alcohol and smoking, no on H Pylori. I get the stink eye from everyone I see when I tell them that, like they think I’ve got to be doing something I’m not admitting to. But I think the gluten intolerance/sensitivity issues could still be contributing to my still having these problems. Not sure.

Now I am going to get another appointment and try to convince the specialist to do a dna test for Celiac’s. I had one blood test done, but have been gluten free and so it wouldn’t show on the test. There is another test, but you also have to be eating gluten. The doctor said for two months, I told him there is no way I can eat gluten for two months.

I will be taking prilosec prescription medication for the next three months. I’ve been taking it for three days and already I can tell a big difference. My stomach is healing. I am hoping that it heals a lot and that would be so lovely. It would be totally great if my gluten issues where only a problem due to what I can heal from and eventually I can heal enough to eat gluten and be able to buy so much stuff cheaply and everywhere instead of having to spend so much extra money, time, effort, and energy living gluten free. It is expensive. It is exhausting.

I am giving myself Reiki healing energy and that always makes me feel better. I want to help myself to heal.

I am really looking forward to being well or even a little better, I could get used to a lot of being a little bit better and would be mind altered if I could really conceivably work towards total wellness. Ahh, bliss.

Home Again, Tests Done

I’m home again. The tests are done. So happy about that.

The doctor took samples for testing for H Pylori and Celiac’s Disease (which should not show up from the test because I have avoided gluten for over three years, so why would there be damage there?). He said it doesn’t look like there is Celiac’s Disease and I explained to him again that I have been gluten free for over three years, so I would have expected there to be healing. He said well the time for blood testing for that is when you are still eating that. And I explained to him again that my other doctor refused to take my issues seriously and so I decided to do the gluten free diet on my own. They removed a polyp, there will be testing and I’ll know results in about a week.)

He said I have a mild case of hiatal hernia. He was unconcerned about that, said lose more weight, as though that is the only way to make it better, no diet suggestions were offered. Fortunately I know about that and have modified my own diet. (Yes well I am glad that it has improved since October, it has been months of food eliminations. I still can’t eat my favorite foods or basically anything that is good, and that doesn’t seem a mild issue to me.)

I have mild diverticulosis/diverticulitis. and duodenitis. He said there was gastritis, and he gave me a prescription for that) and they all quizzed me on was I using any pain meds, no I’m not and I’m not overusing them either. I don’t think that they’ve been believing me on that, cause each person I see there asked me several times. I don’t use pain meds of any kind.I’m glad that my stomach issues have improved all these months I’ve been waiting for tests, as well. But whatever the cause it is not from recent medication use. If I have H Pylori this could be the cause. (I had H Pylori five years ago and my doctor says it is possibly a recurrence.) We’ll know in a week or so. I really would have preferred having that test done in November, but got shuttled over to the specialist and waiting for almost three months for testing.

Now we wait for the results and then make another appointment to a doctor, which one depends on what the results say. So glad this is all over with. It went well. I gave myself Reiki energy healing yesterday and today and I think that helped me a lot to feel better, to lessen my anxiety, and to get me through the special diet and prep for the test.

I Am A Healer, Oh Yeah

I have been doing some Reiki distance healing one-on-one sessions for a friend. (What is Reiki?) I’ve wanted to do this for a long time. Several things blocked me and got in my way of doing them.

First I wasn’t sure if what I thought I could do was possible long distance. I wanted to do intense Reiki healings for others. But for the time being many of the people that I’ve wanted to help heal don’t live near me. That’s the thing about making friends online, it is great to have someone, but it is painful that they aren’t closer. I’ve done healing sessions for others and it was powerful. I believe that I am gifted, though I vacillated on that for a long time.

Second although I am a Reiki teacher I don’t teach and I don’t do a lot of Reiki healing energy sessions. I mostly do Reiki distance healing, which is when you have a list of friends, loved ones, family, etc that you do a short Reiki distance session for, about five to ten minutes a day and this short session sends each person Reiki every hour for the next 24 hours. A short session is often all that I can do. I love to send my friends, especially my survivor friends, healing energy. Yes it is effective, but I wanted to do more. I wanted to someday help clients to do deep intense healing.

Thirdly I don’t usually do more because of my health issues. My hands, neck, and shoulders can get worse and often do. So I get hesitant and concerned. My health has positively increased incrementally for some time and I was now well enough to return to the exploring of the possibility.

Fourthly I am realizing and acknowledging recently that on an unconscious level I still believe that I am unworthy, due to my mother’s many abuses of me. I wish that wasn’t so, from the bottom of my heart. I wish that all the damage from her was gone, healed. Because of that I think that I was stuck in procrastination. If I didn’t do anything, I couldn’t confirm or deny the old beliefs lies. Here’s the thing, now I know. I am worthy. I always knew I was a healer, but doubted my worthiness.

I am a healer.

Healer della donna.

Healer of women.

I am so happy.:) I had thought that I could do a very good job with this. I was right. I am a healer. I always knew, but now I know how good I am. ūüôā I am so happy that I am helping my best friend to heal. I am going to help others too.

When I became a Reiki student five years ago I heard several students talking about how you shouldn’t call yourself a healer, that is for someone else to say. They said¬† you shouldn’t call yourself a healer, that is prideful, that is wrong.

I am a healer. I am so proud.

I Would Kiss You, But You’re Too Vapid

Lol.

I was talking with my friend Eric on the phone recently. He reminded me of the phrase, I would kiss you, but you’re too vapid.¬†I had said it.

He was visiting last summer. We had a great lunch, at one of my favorite places. Then we walked over to the nearby lake. We were sitting out by the lake on the grass. It was a lovely day. Lots of people were coming and going around the area. We sat in the shade and talked. He did some reiki healing work on me and we talked some more.

The phrase is funny, I have to admit, even taken out of context.¬†I was talking about some guy, sorry I can’t remember what guy I was referring to. Lol. But right when I said it a couple were walking¬†by behind me and overheard what I said.

Eric wanted them to know, I wasn’t saying it about him. No, I wasn’t. Lol. Really, very nice strangers, he is a nice guy. Yes, really, someone well worth kissing.

No, he’s not vapid. If he was we couldn’t be friends. If he was vapid, he wouldn’t¬†want me. If he was vapid, I couldn’t make a friendship with him. I like my men tasty.

I talk like that, really I do, but remembering it only made me laugh and think for several hours of summer. That was excellent.

Final Karuna Reiki Class

On Saturday I did the first day of my final class in Karuna Reiki. (One more day to finish the class.) I have been waiting to do this class for over a year. Looking forward to it finally being over and done with and then¬† I’m planning on making some big choices in my life.

The class was wonderful. It went great. Very powerful and very healing. But also very stressful, very physically demanding and very difficult to stay focused and work on the class due to body pain and injury issues.

I had such a great time. So good to be around other Reiki people, as they are some of the best, well meaning people. This class was one of the most peaceful, calm and deep class experiences I have ever had. And most Reiki classes have been exceptionally healing, this one even more so.

A lot happened in the class and I feel a lot of healing working on me, especially around issues of abuse and emotions. I feel more calm and more grounded this past week than I have in a really long time. I feel as though I am walking into the rest of my life and this class is a big part of that transition.

I got home last night after midnight and was so tired out. I wanted to write some things but found myself falling asleep at my computer chair over and over, so dragged myself off to bed. Still tired out and trying to be gentle with myself today.

I will try to do a survivor healing post later this evening. Good and healing thoughts to you all.

A Reiki Story

I know sometimes it is hard to see if alternative health methods work. Sometimes alternative health methods can take time for the results to appear. Sometimes it can be slow. Sometimes it can be dramatic. I wanted to tell a Reiki story about something that happened to me last year.

We need to go back a bit in time for me to explain. About six years ago I was in a therapy program called DBT, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.

Therapists and a clinic both refused to see me, even though at the time I was very functional and had never been in-patient, was not addictive in any unhealthy behaviors, was not suicidal and was not cutting or doing any other dangerous behaviors in my life. I was multiple and I was a ritual abuse survivor and so I could not find a competent, experienced therapist at the time who would take me as a client, unless I went to DBT first.

The therapist that I saw was supposedly competent in my abuse history. My insurance company referred me to her.  

She knew that I was a survivor of mother daughter sexual abuse and ritual abuse. She knew that I was multiple. She and my insurance company claimed that she had had many clients with those abuse histories and that she was a good therapist for me to see.

The therapist also ran the once a week DBT class. As a college student in my last semester of college at the time, I did not think that she was a good teacher. In college professors you pretty much see the good, the bad, and the ugly. She was the ugly.

She emotionally abused clients during class time. She would repeat things that they had said in a way that was not kind. She would often change¬†her tone of voice when responding, to sound snide. If someone said something that happened to them, she would imply they weren’t telling the whole story, the whole truth. She did this to me one time in class, I was struck silent. I lived this kind of life as a defenseless child. I was not interested in voluntarily going through this as an adult. I felt stuck there.

She would not call me back in a timely manner. When I told her certain skills were not working for me, and instead were in fact triggering panic attacks, and that I needed other ideas or skills instead of those particular skills, she would tell me there were plenty, but she did not give me any, though I repeatedly requested them for weeks.

During session she was not kind to me. She would often look around the room rather than focus on me during sessions. She would lean back in her chair and act like she was taking a break. She would repeatedly point around her office to little catch phrases and repeat them ad nauseum like they were the cure to what ailed me.

However, every time that I saw her in individual sessions and I brought up, even in the most vaguest way and only in passing the reality of my abuse issues, she would change the subject, shut me down, and start repeating her stupid catch phrases over and over, none of which were helpful, accepting or healing in any way.

When I would bring up mother daughter sexual abuse, she would look like a deer in the headlights, leaking fear, she would immediately stop me. Yes, it was that obvious.

Finally someone who had been emotionally abusive to me showed up in the class. I told the therapist in detail about this person being hurtful and abusive to me.

There is a rule in DBT class that says that clients cannot have secret or private interactions or relationships with one another, as that was something that created an unhealthy dynamic. The therapist kept saying that I would have to attend class with her. Instead I stayed home. It took them three weeks to decide that they would follow the rule and she would have to be in another class. During that phone conversation the therapist yelled at me. I hung up, called their messaging service and left the message that I quit.

What happened from this experience is that I/we shut down emotionally. I could not cry anymore. Tears had always come easily for me and they were healing. I valued that part of my healing process.

After her I was so shut down. I thought that crying was a waste of time. Of the few times that I was able to cry, it was not healing in any way, shape, or, form, as it had been in the past. Slowly the issue got better. I could cry, but it was not very healing. I could cry but it was something that I scolded myself for doing, something that I thought was a complete and utter waste of my time.

I talked about all of this, with several therapists. I talked about this with others. I posted about this online to other survivors. It never got any better.

About a year ago, after a Reiki class, three Reiki Master/Teachers listened. I think that would have been healing just by itself. They listened to my story. They let me get it all out. They let me cry. They let me talk and say how I felt and what a block this was in my life. They accepted. They did not judge. They never told me what to think. They never told me what to do.

Instead what they did for forty-five minutes while I talked was sit with me, put hands on me and hands towards me and send me Reiki healing. I talked. I cried. And it was healing tears.

That night I went home and cried. The next day as well. Now I could cry again. It still took me a few months to get over the ridiculous notion that I was not worthy of tears, that it was stupid, and not helpful at all.

Since then I cry when I have to. I cry when I need to. And it is always healing. That is my Reiki story.