She called me baby girl. The woman that I have bonded to in the last six months, as a mother figure.
It was one of my happiest moments. Along with this a new terror that I did not know would come up. It is very obvious to me that it is about attaching to a real woman as a mother figure.
It’s not surprising that loving someone like a mother makes me feel terror. It is just that I had not imagined terror when I imagined attaching to a mother figure. As I mentioned it is not at all surprising that I feel terrorized, considering that my own mother sexually abused me, beat me, actively recruited others to abuse me, and in many other ways terrorized me.
As a way of coping with this I have thought and felt about it a lot. I have talked to my therapist about it a lot. I have gone over all the ways that I have bonded to other mother figures. I will write about that on the blog, because I think that will help me process all of this some more. And I want to share about what about the feminine and the divine that I have been drawn to and found healing.
I hope that it can help others to think about their own process of attachment and how even when they think they have trouble attaching, they can realize that in some ways they have been very very brave indeed to attach to others, even if it is fictional characters in books, movies and tv, teachers, people in passing and people who stay a while in our lives.
Some women I have attached to as a mother figure never knew me and some never knew that I had attached to them. Each one of them has helped me to heal in some way.
Kate Is Rising 
Good for you that you have that but are also treading carefully xo
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Thank you. Yes it is taking me some time.
It is a lot like the feelings that have come up when I have attached deeply to an online friend and they acknowledge and accept it. But the terror level feels even higher. Which is something that I did not understand would happen. I think I was in denial about it, because it has obviously happened in the past. I don’t think that I had thought it through fully. And I guess you can only ever know all that you will feel when you go through something and are feeling those feelings and allowing them to come up, so I am doing that and working on that.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
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Yes and it sure isn’t easy, I admire your courage. xo
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Thank you. And I admire you too. It is lovely to read your blogging efforts and to know you and to be friends. 🙂
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
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awww safe hugs Kate! xo
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No matter what our actual mothering experience was or is, we all need that mother influence in our lives. I’m so sorry that yours carries such fear and terror with it. I hope you will continue to be brave and search for mother-love offered by others – the rewards can be so great, for you and the giver.
Sending all my grandmotherly love, Granny
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Hello Granny,
Thank you.
I think that my level of terror is the reason that it was so much easier for me to attach to you in a loving way, on a grandmother level, even though I never really had a real mother or grandmother before. Though of course there are strong elements of mothering in the way that you live your life and interact with others, not just grand-mothering and I love that you are in my life, in all the ways that you are my friend and granny.
Similarly I think that my personal experiences of mother abuse and the resulting terrors are reasons that I have rejected seeing myself as being motherly, even though most of my in person friends for decades saw it and told me about it. I am able to see it now. I was a better mother at four years old than my mother ever was in her whole life. My abilities to attach to mother figures and to love them and get something from them are a big part of why I was and am able to be mothering, to myself(ves) and others.
Thank you for your loving support. It means so much to us.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
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I know what you’re talking about having terror at getting attached to anyone. I don’t even allow myself to attach to my husband. I have what is called “Attachment Disorder”. Have you ever heard of this disorder? You probably have I’m sure as your writing is so experiential.
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Hello,
Yes I have heard of attachment disorder. I’m sorry that you struggle with that. I do have survivor friends who struggle with that as well.
I do write on my blog about attachment and attachment issues and have worked quite a bit on healing in those areas of my life. If you scroll down the screen on my blog page you will come to categories and I think I usually categorize those posts under attachment and attachment/bonding.
I believed for a long time that I did not have attachment issues, mainly because I attach very easily to others. Now I mostly believe that I over-attach, rather than under-attach and think that is a huge problem as well as having difficulty attaching. For much of my childhood it was very much a strong and helpful coping mechanism, because it got me a small amount of what I needed from others.
But it also was very problematic. I attached to others who did not really seem to want me and that was very rejecting and isolating for me. Increasing my self-esteem, learning good self-care, and continuing an ongoing-process of healing from child sexual abuse has taken me a long ways towards a healthier way of attaching.
Like so much of my life and healing path, this is all an ongoing daily process. Thanks so much for your comments and input. It is very valued here. 🙂
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
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