She called me baby girl. The woman that I have bonded to in the last six months, as a mother figure.
It was one of my happiest moments. Along with this a new terror that I did not know would come up. It is very obvious to me that it is about attaching to a real woman as a mother figure.
It’s not surprising that loving someone like a mother makes me feel terror. It is just that I had not imagined terror when I imagined attaching to a mother figure. As I mentioned it is not at all surprising that I feel terrorized, considering that my own mother sexually abused me, beat me, actively recruited others to abuse me, and in many other ways terrorized me.
As a way of coping with this I have thought and felt about it a lot. I have talked to my therapist about it a lot. I have gone over all the ways that I have bonded to other mother figures. I will write about that on the blog, because I think that will help me process all of this some more. And I want to share about what about the feminine and the divine that I have been drawn to and found healing.
I hope that it can help others to think about their own process of attachment and how even when they think they have trouble attaching, they can realize that in some ways they have been very very brave indeed to attach to others, even if it is fictional characters in books, movies and tv, teachers, people in passing and people who stay a while in our lives.
Some women I have attached to as a mother figure never knew me and some never knew that I had attached to them. Each one of them has helped me to heal in some way.