My Mothers

I know that I’ve written about some of the healing work I have been doing for some time on the blog about My Fathers, a special group of characters from literature, film, and television. I wrote and posted about some in particular last year and still have some more that I was to post about this year.

What really shocked me last year was to discover that unconsciously there were several mothers that I had sort of adopted over many years.

Suffice it to say that I do have terror about my attachments to women and might still have them for the rest  of my life. It really got going two and a half years ago when I met my advocate person at the shelter, who I firmly and stubbornly attached to from our first meeting as my mother. Terror is the most accurate word to describe how that feels. My love and attachment for her comes from a very small self inside us. It feels very much like being a baby, and yet at the same time I try very hard to be a reasoning rational adult at the same time when interacting with her. It is hard.

I know that I have written about that before on the blog, and probably will some more as I work on this issue; attaching to real women as a mother figure after surviving mother-daughter sexual abuse.

Actually the first one was a mother that I formed an attachment to when I was still an infant, under the age of one, though at the moment of attachment I formed it with a real live human mother, but replaced that with an idealized goddess mother. I’ll write more about that on the blog in the near future. I guess I think it is a wonderful thing to have a mother goddess and really I have had one almost all of my life, so it seems absolutely normal to me It was quite a shock to discover her firmly entrenched in my heart and in the hearts of many inners, when I re-discovered her during my healing process.

I discovered this attachment some time ago, but didn’t really think that there were any other “mothers” that I could form an attachment to. But the truth was something else entirely.

These attachments, to both mothers and fathers, have helped me to heal, to attach in some way to someone that was necessary for my life to go on in the right direction when I was still very tiny, and to believe in basic human goodness when I had no outside proof, except in my own self and own heart. As much as my attachments leave me with shaking legs and a faint heart; I have to admit I am so glad that we were brave enough to form them and to have them.

I/we had formed secret attachments to secret mothers for some time, and I think it was much easier that way because I didn’t have to admit it, or feel about it, or feel any of the terror that those conscious thoughts and choices would have done. 🙂 I’ll be writing about that process more on the blog this year, it is one of my 2016 goals.

Goals:

Do more healing work and posts on characters that I have formed a father attachment with.

Do more healing work and posts on characters that I have formed a mother attachment with.

My Fathers 4

One of my more recently acquired fathers.

Detective Inspector Fred Thursday, acted by Roger Allam.

I love the way this man cares for others. He singles out and mentors those who need him. I love the way he champions the career of Endeavor Morse, who is brilliant and intuitive, but still has so many problems dealing with others, quite an outcast character. It reminds me a lot of myself. He is a wonderful father, husband, police officer, mentor, and human being.

Because the photos of the character all seem pretty grim I am including a photo of the actor where he is looking happier.

My Fathers 2

My Father Captain Christopher Pike:

(talks about character and plot lines from Star Trek original series and Star Trek re-boot series.)

When I was a very very young child I watched the original Star Trek show. I don’t really have a lot of memories from that time of watching the show, but I think that I really loved this character. When I was a teenager and was re-watching the original series one character really struck a cord with me in the father arena, though there is another character in the original series who does that as well. Although I didn’t understand it at the time, it is quite clear to me why I feel so much attachment and connection to him and especially to him as a father.

Captain Christopher Pike is a captain of a starship that is abducted with two female shipmates for the expressed purpose of being enslaved and forced into conceiving the next generation of slaves for a species that has mind control.  He is responsible to the two women, to the other woman that they have abducted, and for all the people working on his starship. His is brave and kind and compassionate. His determination in seeking freedom convinces the other species into letting them go. Later in his career he is injured severely in a serious accident where he bravely rescues other people’s lives and becomes wheelchair bound that seems like almost an iron lung device, unable to talk except through two blinking lights on the front of his chair.

So I suppose there are several things that you can all see that I would find to love about this character, despite his circumstances, he is concerned and caring and protective of others. He is strong and brave. He is kind and gentle and generous with others. Quite possibly the ideal father to my way of thinking.

Acted by Jeffrey Hunter from Star Trek: The Original Series:

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So I’ve always had a very soft spot in my heart for Captain Christopher Pike. Some time ago I read lots of the Star Trek fiction books that had come out on the market. Some of my favorites to read were the few that were written based in the time of Captain Pike, who was the previous Captain to Captain James Kirk of the Enterprise starship.

I had been deeply troubled by his severe disabilities in the service of rescuing others. It really hurt my heart to see that his life was reduced from such a wonderful adventurous life to such a small, contained life. I know that he chose to rescue other people’s lives, even at the risk to his own, but it still hurts me to see how deeply limited his life had become.

I was so very happy to hear that Captain Pike was going to be a part of the re-boot Star Trek movies. I loved him so much in the first movie and was so happy to see him acting in a fatherly manner to a young Jim Kirk, encouraging him to be a better man and to become a leader.

In the re-boot Star Trek movies, acted by Bruce Greenwood:

I was so happy and excited that the “new time-line” could bring a better life for my much beloved character and father image. I was devastated, when in the second movie they casually kill off the character. I tried to talk about this with my therapist a couple of years ago, after the movie had come out, telling her that he had meant a lot to me, like a father and that I loved him so much, and then only ended up sobbing and unable to speak. She looked at me gently and said, well obviously this character has meant a lot to you. And I was like, yeah. (One of many reasons that this therapist was a perfect person for me to see, that she was able to see I valued and connected to and with a fictional character and treated me with kindness and gentleness about it.)

I realize that in both timelines he had a tragic ending, but I tend to ignore that. It works the best for me. So when I think of him, I think of him alive, happy, vibrant, being real and proud and brave and being my dad. I love my dad.

My Fathers 1

Being sexually abused by my mother really shattered my ability to trust, but I found that despite that I was able to slowly piece together a system of connectedness that allowed me to find love, acceptance, bonding, and healing elsewhere. I read about the shattering of attachment for mother-daughter sexual abuse survivors each time that I read about the subject of MDSA. I think that it must be very similar for other survivors of child sexual abuse.

I know that I have written here on the blog about my issues with bonding and attachment and especially in the ways that I have tried to find connectedness in my life and in my life and to establish more; to the world, to others, and to symbols that I find a great deal of meaning and healing from.

Some of the symbols that I find a great deal of meaning and healing from are fictional  characters that I feel connected to.

I’ve been working in the last few years to try to identify past connections that bring me meaning and healing and establishing more connections. Some connections just seemed to pass beyond my conscious awareness, even though at one time they had a lot of meaning and brought a lot of connection and healing into my life at some time.

Trying to re-discover those past connections has helped me to see myself as someone who desperately wanted and needed  connection and as someone who was incredibly brave to do so, despite how horrific my childhood existence was and how difficult it was to trust my emotions, especially love, when I was hated, scapegoated, and abused by my family of origin, who I tried to love.

I re-discovered my father Herb Hubbard when I started to re-watch the show The Mothers-in-Law. I loved him when I was a child. Herb was a husband, a father of a college daughter, and a businessman. The thing that I liked the most about him and still do, is his ability to manage his emotions, which neither of my parents did. Since my father was an active alcoholic, there was never a strong man in my life, never a good man in my life, never a calm man in my life, never a loving and good and safe man in my life. But Herb was that man in my life.

Herb was a good role model and human being to me despite the drama going on in the household, with his wife, with his neighbors who lacked boundaries and common respect, and with his college age son who decides to marry the neighbor’s daughter, Herb manages his life and positively impacts his family with love, determination, resilience, and gentleness. I like that last one the best; gentleness.

Here he is, my dad:

Herb Hubbard from the show The Mothers-in-Law

I love my dad.

Therapy Ends, Again

Well another therapist from the non-profit is leaving. She called me to let me know that she was going to be leaving there. It was not at all surprising to me. On the phone message she asked if I would like to do a farewell session. I don’t want to. I won’t be.

I tried to be positive and upbeat through the process of acquiring a new therapist, but that didn’t positively affect/effect the outcome. I’m okay with that. You can’t make someone be what you need them to be and when it is a bad fit and it can’t be fixed to a healing level, it is for the best to walk away from it.

Just two weeks before she had assured me during session that she, “was not going to abandon me and that she was going to continue to see me for therapy.” Right away I knew what was going to happen.

That assured me that she was going to be leaving and abandoning me. When anyone uses the words abandon or abandonment that has meant that they are leaving, based on my adult life experiences. So I was prepared for her announcement of leaving. And not at all shocked.

I had only seen her over the time frame of about two months. I liked her when I first met her and she showed some promise, but that was not realized in our sessions. It turned out to be very upsetting and triggering, but that is for another day and another post, hopefully when I am up for sharing about all of that. So there was not any bonding and I am not upset by her departure.

I/we are very upset by and about Jon Stewart leaving his television show, someone we love and are bonded to, and not at all by the therapist’s departure. When the previous therapist was leaving, a scant four or five months ago, we were not upset about that either, but rather quite upset at the thought of losing our connections and bonding to the women’s center and our “Advocate” there.

I’m not sure right now what I will do. For the time being, I am planning on not making any decisions until the apartment complex rehab is completely done and after I have gotten some more rest and recovery time from that. I am thinking about re-joining a self-esteem support group during this time period. I really enjoyed it and it really helped me and I think it will have similar results again.

Only 7 More Episodes Left

Right now I’m watching The Daily Show. When I’m done with this episode, that means I will only have seven new episodes before Jon Stewart officially leaves the show. I love the show, we love the show. I love Jon Stewart. We love Jon Stewart.

Even though I have known about him leaving the show for a while, I am still not prepared for it. I have already cried a couple of times about this. I tried to talk about it last week to a family member and only ended up getting too choked up to speak and then crying.

No he is not dying. And no he is not retiring from working in the entertainment business. His movie, Rosewater, which we have seen and knew about the content in advance, is about imprisonment and torture of a citizen by a country, which was grueling and triggering rather than funny. So yes he will still be out there somewhere, just not in my weekly life. He was such a big part of my weekly life. And he won’t be making me laugh over and over each week.

But it feels so awful, so hard, and we are having a tremendous amount of difficulty coping with this. Therapists leave and we are a-okay, but Jon Stewart is someone that we have bonded with, have attached to, and I am just admitting to that, and feel a lot of love and adoration for. And we don’t often feel that way about just anyone. It took years and years for us to develop this much love for him. It took us years and years to feel as though he is our friend. We are feeling very sad. Very sad about all of this.

What Would You Say?

Recently on Tumblr I came across a post that was re-blogged several times that asked the question, what would you say to your abuser, and assume that they are capable of hearing and understanding you. I read this several times over several days and usually my response is the same as the one I have always had, I cannot assume that they can hear and understand or care for or about me or anything that I say or do. To my way of thinking, that negates the possibility of my trying to communicate anything to them.

The first time that I ever came across this idea in therapy was with a truly incompetent therapist who kept insisting over and over that I imagine my older brother, who sexually abused me, in the chair next to me in her tiny, claustrophobic office. I kept insisting over and over that I would not imagine him in the office, will not ever do so, and will leave the office if she continued to insist that I tell him anything of the damage he had done to me by sexually abusing me as a child and betraying me. I kept getting louder and louder and ruder and ruder, until I couldn’t stop myself from going into a panic attack.

Saying I was leaving unless she stopped was what made her stop. But really I knew before that that she wasn’t very good, but this instance of abuse really made me know I needed to find a therapist who was competent. Anyone who thinks that their opinion/education matters more than what the client is saying is an atrocious person/clinician. Anyone who pushes their client onto the edge of panic and then pushes them over and violates their stated boundaries when they are being clear is incompetent and abusive.

So imagining myself talking or writing to my abusers, about what they have done to me, has never been high on my list of healing choices, actually it’s not on my list at all, though I totally respect other survivors making that choice and I have total respect for other survivors. Peace and love babes to you all.

Well I think I came across the post quite a few times until an answer finally came to me in my mind on what I would actually do, if I were capable of believing they were capable of being a human being and if I were willing to share with them and this is it:

Me and all of them, alone in a huge empty room, lit up, with no furniture. We would all be sitting on the floor. They would be far away from me and unable to speak to me or come near me or touch me or hurt me.

I would scream for five minutes, or perhaps five days. Just scream. At the terror of a person that they were, at the terror that they had brought into my tiny, little life, at the terror that I carry inside of my body, my mind, my soul because of them, at the terror that they have made of my daily life.

Then I would cry for five minutes, or five days. And they would have to see it and they would have to witness it and they could not turn away, they could not stop hearing me, the pain, all the different kinds of pain they have caused me, and it would crawl inside of them and make their existence unbearable, unendurable.

Then I would communicate all the emotions that they put me through telepathically for five minutes or maybe five days. And there would be nowhere that they could run and hide to escape the torture they had put me through; emotionally, psychically, physically, socially, mentally, emotionally, sexually.

Then I would stand up and turn my back and my backside to them. By turning my back to them I am saying you mean nothing to me, I consider you no threat in my life, I am so safe from you that I can turn my back on you, I turn my back on you as a relative, as a human being, as a being, you are nothing to me, you never will be. Everything that I am inside and in the world is despite you and your impact on me, you gave me nothing of worth or value and that is how I see you.

As I would walk away they would see my backside and by showing them my backside I am saying the deepest insult that I can to them, I walk away from you, I won’t face you, you don’t deserve me, for eternity I walk away from you, for eternity I reject you, I reject everything you say, do, everything that you are.

And that is what I would do.

They don’t deserve my words.

Therapy Resumes

It’s been several months since I’ve been to therapy. I’m starting back again this week and I’m really looking forward to it. I really started missing therapy about a month ago. I thought that I was doing okay, good even some of the time. But I missed going and missed having somewhere to go where I could talk about all my stuff. And I missed my therapist, missed the way that she listens to me, and her kind kind voice.

I like my therapist. I like her a lot. I respect her a lot. I enjoy being in her energy field. A therapist’s energy has never felt so good and safe and kindness seems to be everywhere around her.

Some time ago I told her that I could never do that attachment thing that people do with therapists, that bonding thing. I just don’t have that level of trust to give a therapist and I’m not sure if I ever could.

I’ve had trouble listening and reading when other survivors have a parenting attachment to their therapist and are working through that process. I can’t imagine in my wildest dreams being able to trust a therapist like that. It’s something that is way way way beyond me. I guess that shows how much other therapists have damaged me, especially in my ability to trust another therapist. I can’t imagine that area of my life healing.

On the other hand I did bond hugely with my advocate at the women’s shelter. Almost 18 months later and I still get overwhelmed with terror and horror when I think and feel about her and that I love her. I’m crying right now. I didn’t have any say in this. I didn’t get to decide intellectually about this.

It just happened. It just happened, and I get the shakes when I think of her. I don’t want to.

I want to just be able to love her and talk to her once in a while and to feel happy, because she always gives me good advice, gives me good support, and makes me feel happy, about myself and in my life. That would be nice. That would be swell.

I get that, but I also get the shaking and terror and horror, because my mother was a monster, and a child beater, and a child rapist and loving someone like a mother is more than my courageous heart can bear. My advocate is so many things that my female parent never was.

So instead I wish she were my mommy. I never had a mommy and I wish she were my mommy with all of my little baby girl heart. I can’t control it, stop it, modify it, make it better, make it easier, make it go away. And that makes me feel terrorrized, horrified, and my body shaking. This fucking sucks so bad.

Healing Quotes Teens 299-302

“Observe always that everything is the result of change, and get used to thinking that there is nothing Nature loves so well as to change existing forms and make new ones like them.”

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~ Marcus Aurelius

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“Transformation is not five minutes from now; it’s a present activity. In this moment you can make a different choice, and it’s these small choices and successes that build up over time to help cultivate a healthy self-image and self esteem.”

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~ Jillian Michaels

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“As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world — that is the myth of the atomic age — as in being able to remake ourselves.”

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~ Mohandas K. Gandhi

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“Scared and sacred are spelled with the same letters. Awful proceeds from the same root word as awesome. Terrify and terrific. Every negative experience holds the seed of transformation.”

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~ Alan Cohen

Healing Quotes Teens 291

“But I understood, now, that we don’t live only for ourselves. We’re connected by millions of shared experiences and dreams and nightmares, all tied together with compassion.

I learned that even when we’re going through our darkest winter, spring is waiting to appear.”

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~ Laura Anderson Kurk, Glass Girl