The Last Guy I Kissed

The last guy I asked out was the last guy that I kissed. He is the reason I stopped asking guys out or going out with any guy.  I didn’t know that it would result in no dating. I really didn’t.

He is also the reason that I eventually decided not to have sex with anyone, unless I was married. I thought that was a good idea, considering the way this short relationship went. I will also add that no one has even tempted me since then.

It seemed as though I always picked the wrong kinds of guys and then I would blame myself for having picked him out of the herd, as it were. I thought if I waited and someone asked me out, at least it was someone who made the risk to reach out to me. Unfortunately those men were obviously not someone I wanted to be involved with.

So at least I can be proud that I was at least picking out healthier guys from the herd than were hurling themselves at me.

The last guy I kissed was someone that I only saw three times, I think. Really I can’t remember, I think it was three times. It might have only been two. It was more than a decade ago, yeah a really really long time ago, so I can’t be entirely accurate here. He was someone I met at work, so we had talked several times before seeing each other and several more phone conversations while seeing one another.

The last time we saw one another we were laying on his living room carpet, watching a movie, and kissing, etc. Finally we wandered into the bedroom. I was in the bed, naked with him, and he left the room. Because he couldn’t achieve liftoff.

He could have stayed and done a million other things! But he didn’t. Then he said he should take me home. Then while driving me home he said he has had impotence problems for some time, and it was probably good that he had, since I couldn’t get pregnant then. (We were using protection.)

He admitted his ex-girlfriend and he had a child, he didn’t marry her, she didn’t put his name on the birth certificate, the child did not know he was her father, he did not have much to do with his child and did not support her financially, but rather let the government do it for him.

Then he called me later in the week, at work, and I was mind boggled that he would think I would want to see him again, as I thought I had made myself clear that I was upset. I tried to be polite, since it was at work and since I met him through my work. He was a customer, not an employee.  He talked on and on. He said that he was going on vacation and when he came back in two weeks he figured that I wouldn’t have any time to see him once the new semester started. I told him I would have time for friends and dates. I told him he could be explicit and clear, if he didn’t have time, he should say so. He said he wouldn’t.

Then he called me a few weeks later giving me twenty questions about why I didn’t want to see him and was it because he was impotent that night. This is after he was clear he didn’t have time to see me, let alone to hear that I did not want to ever see him again if that was the way he treated women. I told him no that was not the reason.

This is the last guy I kissed. This is the last guy I dated. This is the last guy I was willing to have sex with, shudder. I felt so rejected, humiliated, and ashamed. I wanted something better for my life and wasn’t sure that I could pick out someone good. So I stopped picking.

Finding Balance

Discusses eating and sexuality issues of survivors.

I used to have a survivor friend. She taught me a lot. Knowing her was like reading a healing book, over and over. She was always saying very validating and healing things.

I have been thinking about her lately. One of her old quotes has been coming back to me a lot lately. One that seemed a bit beyond me, at the time.

She told me that survivors need to find out what ‘too much’ is. She said survivors don’t know what too much is in their life and so long as you learn from your actions, it is okay to try to find out what too much is by doing things.

Her examples were that one friend of hers ate a whole bag of peanut M & Ms and got sick, it was too much for her. She realized that eating a whole bag in future was not something she wanted to do again. She learned a valuable lesson on what was too much.

I could always sort of relate to that story. I had an issue with binge eating then. I realize now that a part of that was related to being gluten intolerant and how I had almost uncontrollable urges as a consequence of that. Another part is related to being a child sexual abuse survivor and my mother starving me and withholding food to coerce my cooperation, which I did not know about when we were friends.  Another part was related to being a survivor, aftereffects, and the aftermath of abuse.

I am doing much better on figuring out what too much is when it comes too food. I feel much more empowering and accepting of my issues. I eat much more healthy foods and much less of the foods that I am not supposed to be eating, accidental gluten exposures.

Her second example was that another friend of hers had had sex with three men in one day and she discovered that that was ‘too much’ for her. Okay. I could not relate to that. And I still can’t. 

Okay, three men in one decade is probably too much for me. I am way on the other side of the sexual expression scale here. So for me, I guess, ‘too little’ is an issue that I need to be figuring out.  Even if it is just for me. Even if I never am with someone. Even if I only do it for myself and only share my sexuality in a space where I am alone. I deserve to figure out what too little is.