Discusses eating and sexuality issues of survivors.
I used to have a survivor friend. She taught me a lot. Knowing her was like reading a healing book, over and over. She was always saying very validating and healing things.
I have been thinking about her lately. One of her old quotes has been coming back to me a lot lately. One that seemed a bit beyond me, at the time.
She told me that survivors need to find out what ‘too much’ is. She said survivors don’t know what too much is in their life and so long as you learn from your actions, it is okay to try to find out what too much is by doing things.
Her examples were that one friend of hers ate a whole bag of peanut M & Ms and got sick, it was too much for her. She realized that eating a whole bag in future was not something she wanted to do again. She learned a valuable lesson on what was too much.
I could always sort of relate to that story. I had an issue with binge eating then. I realize now that a part of that was related to being gluten intolerant and how I had almost uncontrollable urges as a consequence of that. Another part is related to being a child sexual abuse survivor and my mother starving me and withholding food to coerce my cooperation, which I did not know about when we were friends. Another part was related to being a survivor, aftereffects, and the aftermath of abuse.
I am doing much better on figuring out what too much is when it comes too food. I feel much more empowering and accepting of my issues. I eat much more healthy foods and much less of the foods that I am not supposed to be eating, accidental gluten exposures.
Her second example was that another friend of hers had had sex with three men in one day and she discovered that that was ‘too much’ for her. Okay. I could not relate to that. And I still can’t.
Okay, three men in one decade is probably too much for me. I am way on the other side of the sexual expression scale here. So for me, I guess, ‘too little’ is an issue that I need to be figuring out. Even if it is just for me. Even if I never am with someone. Even if I only do it for myself and only share my sexuality in a space where I am alone. I deserve to figure out what too little is.