The New Normal

The new normal. This is what I call living with the aftermath of being a child sexual abuse survivor. What is normal for me may not be normal for anyone else.

It definitely is not normal for those who have not been sexually abused as a child. The differences seem stark and I feel more stigmitized by the chasm between us. So I call my life, my existence, the new normal. The new normal based on what I experienced as an abused child.

I have a lot of fears. I have a lot of triggers. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The have terrors in the night. I can’t sleep. I can’t think. I can’t work. I have a lot of rage and no where to put it. So I have to carry it around in my body and that makes for more stress, more aftereffects, more pain.  

I have chronic pain. I have a diagnosis of fibromyalgia, which is like saying well we are too lazy to find out what else it might be so we will give you this, cause we have let you be in pain for twenty years and we haven’t a clue.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. So I am in parts. And how we perceive and think and move through the world that may not be normal to most, but it is my normal. It has been my normal for almost all my life.

So normalizing my current and past experiences is a way of stopping some of the stigma and shame and blame that all survivors go through.

It is not my fault that someone used me sexually when I was just an infant and beyond. But I feel responsible. It is not my shame, it is their shame who abused me, but I feel it.  

I’m re-branding. This is the new normal for my life. For me. For my self-esteem. For my own level of happiness. For my healing work. For myself and for us.

So I look at me/us and say now that is one brave and courageous survivor. That is someone who is struggling against so much. She has a lot to be proud of and I am very proud of her/them.