My Fathers 1

Being sexually abused by my mother really shattered my ability to trust, but I found that despite that I was able to slowly piece together a system of connectedness that allowed me to find love, acceptance, bonding, and healing elsewhere. I read about the shattering of attachment for mother-daughter sexual abuse survivors each time that I read about the subject of MDSA. I think that it must be very similar for other survivors of child sexual abuse.

I know that I have written here on the blog about my issues with bonding and attachment and especially in the ways that I have tried to find connectedness in my life and in my life and to establish more; to the world, to others, and to symbols that I find a great deal of meaning and healing from.

Some of the symbols that I find a great deal of meaning and healing from are fictional  characters that I feel connected to.

I’ve been working in the last few years to try to identify past connections that bring me meaning and healing and establishing more connections. Some connections just seemed to pass beyond my conscious awareness, even though at one time they had a lot of meaning and brought a lot of connection and healing into my life at some time.

Trying to re-discover those past connections has helped me to see myself as someone who desperately wanted and needed  connection and as someone who was incredibly brave to do so, despite how horrific my childhood existence was and how difficult it was to trust my emotions, especially love, when I was hated, scapegoated, and abused by my family of origin, who I tried to love.

I re-discovered my father Herb Hubbard when I started to re-watch the show The Mothers-in-Law. I loved him when I was a child. Herb was a husband, a father of a college daughter, and a businessman. The thing that I liked the most about him and still do, is his ability to manage his emotions, which neither of my parents did. Since my father was an active alcoholic, there was never a strong man in my life, never a good man in my life, never a calm man in my life, never a loving and good and safe man in my life. But Herb was that man in my life.

Herb was a good role model and human being to me despite the drama going on in the household, with his wife, with his neighbors who lacked boundaries and common respect, and with his college age son who decides to marry the neighbor’s daughter, Herb manages his life and positively impacts his family with love, determination, resilience, and gentleness. I like that last one the best; gentleness.

Here he is, my dad:

Herb Hubbard from the show The Mothers-in-Law

I love my dad.

A Conversation With a Relative

I spoke with one of them today. Seriously I don’t know how you can be so deluded, but he is. When I mentioned our mother, the sex offender, he said he didn’t want to talk about her. And then a few sentences later spoke of her in glowing terms and said what I recall is verbal abuse, even though I have told him it was mother-daughter sexual abuse. I told him, no it was not verbal abuse and you know that. He said that is your opinion. I said no that is a fact, the facts are what they are, he said opinion. I said facts, I know what happened, I know what she did to me.

Then he spoke of my sister in glowing terms. I have told him in the past over and over how she treats them is not how she treats me and I will not be treated like that or go to her home or have anything to do with her and haven’t for over five years.

Here comes the pushing and influencing that my brothers do to try to get me to go to family functions. He said, well you could, if you made amends, I’m sure that you could go to every family meal at her house. I said wait a minute, I am not making amends, I have nothing to make amends to her about. Amends are what you do when you believe that you have injured another person or hurt them through your actions.

I did nothing wrong to her and she blamed me for trying to stand up for myself and called me an abuser to her when I would say what my boundaries are, that is not abuse, that is healthy interpersonal behavior. Well in the heat of the argument, people say things, he said. No dude it was not in the heat of an argument. I never allowed her to scream and yell and swear at me as her and our mother did to each other. Whatever she may be telling you, let me assure you I have nothing to make amends for and have no intention of doing so, ever, or going to see her or associating with her.

Then he said that family members feel as though I have not been thankful or grateful enough or acted like it enough. Like what, he thinks that is going to induce me to associate with them? I haven’t asked one of them for a big favor in over five years. They think I am supposed to grovel and prostate myself for what they did for me more than ten years ago. They were all willing to let me be homeless four years ago and last month. Like the brother who wouldn’t even wave hello to me last month in the grocery store or bother to return my phone call? What is there to be grateful for?

This is something my father used to say about me after he would buy me an ice cream cone on a summer evening and I would not sit back in the back seat and let my brothers hit me or laugh at me or call me names, I was ungrateful, he would scream at me. If I raised my voice, if I stood up for myself, if I yelled at them or asked my parents to make them stop, I was ungrateful. For the little that they all do or have done for me, they sure do want an awful lot of grateful, compliant victimhood coming from me. Not going to happen. They evoke a bone deep weariness and sorrow that I find it hard to shake off. I don’t ask them for help. They don’t offer. I barely see any of them. I am well rid of them.

Holding Dollie

The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse for May had two posts on the topic of inner child healing work. It’s something that I see the need for and want to do more in my life. I have been thinking that so much of our childhood was stolen from us by those who abused us and used us to do the emotional, intellectual, and sexual roles that were the jobs of adults.

It was hard for me to be a child and to act like a child most of my childhood. I couldn’t be happy or playful or loud without drawing my mother’s attention and abuse (Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse). I couldn’t be a child. I learned to be stone-faced, to act as though I felt nothing and to express nothing, to be quiet, to be alone, in order to be safe from her. I learned to hide.

I learned that my toys and dollies would be used as weapons against me. I learned that love would cost me. I learned that loving something would be noticed by my abuser and used as coercion. I learned that my heart could be broken and I could walk away from the only dollie that I ever loved when the mother abuser held her hostage and debased her. I gave my heart to no other toy until I was older and I felt they were safer, after the mother-daughter sexual abuse had stopped.

As an older child and teenager I had a lot of dollies, a lot of stuffies. I still do. I have them. I love them. I just don’t hold them much. I’m sure that there are many insiders who would like to hold dollie.

I’ve been thinking of a lot lately about the healing work that I need to do for myself and our system. It is very difficult for me to find the time and energy to do so. I love all my inners, but have to admit to being overwhelmed with health and mental health issues much of the time.

However it is essential for healing for me to assist and help others inside in their own needs, hopes, dreams, issues to help us all in healing. It helps in my healing work to post on a topic and then to go back and forth while working on it, getting support and feedback, talking to my best friends on the phone, posting again and again. I need and value the interactions. It helps move me along in my healing and in my healing work.

Child inners were created for good reasons and they need to be allowed to be children. I have a lot of trouble letting them out to be kids. I get self-conscious. I get embarrassed. I get conflicted and humiliated that I don’t manage all this better. To try to be fair to myself, this all is overwhelming and demanding and hard work. I really wish that I did this all better. I will be working on that.

There are lots of things I’d like to do, but where I live right now, without a lot of privacy, I feel the need to put off some things. However some other things I want to start doing now or in the near future.

One thing that I have done in the last few months is to turn over the healing quotes listings to the Littles and the Teens, who alternate every month. They like that a lot. They tend to pick quotes that I wouldn’t pick out and it gives the blog an added flavor. I like it. I do also post some of my own quote choices, here and there. I loved picking out some of the healing quotes on my birthday on the topics of books and reading.

I have dollies and stuffies sitting on my bed near me where I face while sleeping. They tend to fall off the side of the bed. Sometimes I tend to forget to get them out, stuck between the bed and the wall. Yesterday I dragged them out and put them on the bed again. I noticed that it isn’t often that we hold dollies or stuffies. I decided that is not a good thing. Since I have a private bedroom that no one else is allowed into, I have privacy and safety in here. So tonight we were holding dollie. More to come.

Survivor Quotes 53

She took me out of me and then told me that I wasn’t enough. Used, abused, and thrown away.

~ Survivor of mother-daughter sexual abuse

The Last Secret: Daughters Sexually Abused by their Mothers by Bobbie Rosencrans.

Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse Resources

Healing from Abuse Resources

Survivor Quotes 52

I never got to be me. Find out who, what, where, when, why I was. She did more than sex.

~ Survivor of mother-daughter sexual abuse

The Last Secret: Daughters Sexually Abused by their Mothers by Bobbie Rosencrans.

Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse Resources

Healing from Abuse Resources

Happy Three

A few weeks ago it was my three year anniversary for the blog. I was really too sick to notice that week. I thought about it a few weeks before that, but didn’t write something up and schedule it to post automatically on my anniversary date.

At the moment I thought about it coming up soon, I remember clearly, I was flooded with a lot of happiness and good memories. That is what my blog means to me.

It has been a very happy three.

A Huge Leap in Healing

Sometimes the biggest leaps in healing are so hard to put into words and to describe. It’s because they are so small in comparison to how many words it takes to talk about them, small as an atom and about as powerful. The words just seem to go on and on. I’ve been talking about my most recent leap in healing and I just keep talking about it, saying the same things over and over.

What I know is that the healing work I have been doing in the last few months are why I have had this leap in healing. Working on connectedness, practicing being calm and assertive (advice from The Dog Whisperer on how to approach life, to be a good pack leader, and to be a good dog owner), understanding the impact of self-pity being an inferior message to myself and that sorrow about my life was drowning me in sorrow rather than joy and healing and being willing to abandon those practices in my daily life, imagining myself wearing an invisible magical cape before I go out in public thanks to an idea from my friend Granny at the blog The Village Granny from her blog post The Magic Capes, my connectenedness to other survivors and other survivors blogs and being able to remind myself all the good and loving things that they say to me and about me, writing and posting about a sexually abusive relationship while being an adult on my blog, continuing to take a real hard look at the impact of verbal and emotional abuses and their aftermath in my adult life, and continuing to work on self-care and bliss have all made a huge impression on my life and healing lately.

My really huge leap in healing is that I am finally making a huge dent in my previously unconscious negative beliefs about myself. They aren’t unconscious anymore. Now I recall those who abused me implanting these messages long ago.

I have seen behind the curtain like Dorothy does in the Wizard of Oz and like her I see that once I see the truth I don’t have to believe in the omnipotence of those who would use and abuse me to their own purposes. Even if everyone in the world agreed with them, I don’t have to agree with them.

I was once tiny and vulnerable to them, no more. For behind there are abusers who are telling me to ignore them, that I am truly inferior and unworthy, and I see that they are really talking about themselves and not me. I don’t believe them anymore.

Each day, I am sure, will bring up more messages that I will get the opportunity to refute and to tell myself a new message, one of love, acceptance, wholeness, and healing, ones that I now believe in when I tell myself them. It’s going to be pretty exciting.