Let’s Just Call It Casual

be aware:

physical abuse while a fetus and a pre-schooler

All of my life I have had issues with clothing being too tight and it causing me an increase in pain. I tend to wear very loose clothing and often casual wear, especially because they cost less and they are more comfortable and they are better for bike riding.

I know that I’ve written before about health issues that I was born with due to issues while in the womb. My mother had tried to end my life, often, by physically assaulting me while I was inside of her. Because of that the cord became wrapped around me and impeded my healthy growth and movements within the womb. I had issues with my arms and legs by the time I was born and doctors told my parents that they were unsure if I would ever be able to walk by myself. Within a few days the doctors were feeling much more positive. My hands and legs were moving freely and they were believing that my much improvement would continue.

I still have problems with my arms, and legs, neck and shoulders, and back. I believe that part of this is due to my earliest physical abuses by my female parent whilst I was still inside of her womb. I remember her physically abusing me for years after my birth. When I was five she physically assaulted me and caused the damage in my spine that causes most of my problems. But I think it is important to note that a woman who will physically try to abort her fetus by physically assaulting it is not a person who would balk at further abusing her child later in life.

My Advocate from the women’s shelter, two years ago, told me that I needed to stop wearing such raggy-baggy clothes. She’s not the first person to describe my clothing style as raggy-baggy. When you’re poor and only loose clothing are comfortable due to health issues, raggy-baggy may well be a good way of describing the essentials of comfort clothing.

My Advocate had insisted that I wear a really nice outfit when we went to my apartment appointment with the building manager. The clothes she gave me were way too tight and painful and even though I managed to wear them for a couple of hours, it was excruciating. I’m sure that there are tons of people who wear clothes that are snug, but I am unable to. The outfit sits in my closet. I really wouldn’t wear them again. I don’t own anything else as tight, that I have actually worn.

For Christmas Eve dinner, last year, I dressed up in a wonderful long black skirt, very loose, with a lovely green stretchy blouse and loose light red sweater. It was the first time that I have dressed up since the apartment application appointment.

Loose clothing has always helped me my whole life to have less pain and more comfort. It’s not a fashion statement. It is much more important than fashion. I would like to have more variety and more fun in my wardrobe, and indeed, I am trying to do so in my life and have been for a few years, especially to bring back more whimsy in my dress and accessories.

Helping my body to heal and to feel less pain is essential and an important part of my life and my healing path. It is one of the easiest healing things that I do for my body.

So right now I wear spring casual. In summer, of course, there is summer casual. In Autumn, there is always Autumn casual. And in winter you will find me, to the best of my ability, wearing winter casual. Let’s just call it casual.

Letter to Self, While a Fetus

(mentions physical abuse by mother, when pregnant)

Dear one. You inspire me. I think of you and I am overwhelmed with awe.

Your courage is huge. In your dark and liquid abode.

In a hostile and hateful environment you fought to live and to continue. Even though our female parent tried to end your life several times while in the womb, you and your strength endured. My mind is boggled by your strength, little baby girl.

I just want to wrap you up in my arms and protect you. I want to fight for you, because I know your unique self and the unique gifts that you bring to the world.

You chose life. It still staggers and amazes me how much love you have for life and for loving others, how much you believe in goodness and gentleness and how much that has effected me all of my life.

If I was in your place I don’t think I could have made those choices, though I have to admit I make those kinds of choices each day. Even so, I cannot imagine ever being as brave as you.

You are so tenacious. I am tenacious because of you. Everything that I am is from you and due to you and emanates first from you.

I love you. I will always admire and love you and try to live my life in a way that honors you and your courage.

Sweet baby girl, I love you.

My love reaches out to you, from all these years away, and envelops you. You are not alone. You are loved. I am here. I will always be here with you. You will never be alone. You will always be loved. Through all the years I will always love and parent you.

Kate

My Poetry

A Death In Sparta

(2006)

born of Sparta
survival would not
have been for me,
crippled, I would
have been thrown
over the cliff
or left in a basket
to feed the wildlife

the generous
rights of women
never would have
been mine,
only born healthy
or a royal
would breath
have been my right,
but I am no royal

while in the womb
the cord,
around my limbs,
did twine; as I grew,
impeding my growth
my arms, fingers, legs
compressed and contracted
emerged looking crippled
at my birth

perhaps in Sparta
there would be no doctors
to counsel
time and patience
to see how my
tender little body
would respond
for within days
I emerged
from my protective cocoon

though perhaps in Sparta,
with its emphasis
on creating
the next generation
of warriors and breeders,
perhaps even my mother,
would have chosen to nurture
my growing self within her,
instead of trying to beat
me to death,
perhaps the life giving cord
would not have bound
around me
without my struggles
to escape her killing fists.

~ Kate