Well That Was Awful

September is a bad month for me, has been since I was 21 and my daddie died. It used to be my favorite Autumn month to me. But I think that I may have to pick another one.

Well it was awful having an online friend loss through suicide and an extended family member die, I thought that was awful. Then this past week happened, two more extended family deaths, three death anniversaries, one of which was my father, another a beloved doggie, and a beloved adult nephew, and then 9.11 happened. Well that is over with for the next year, but unfortunately, the month isn’t even half over with yet, and the emotions have decided to hang around, so I guess I need to do some more mourning and grieving work. That’s totally doable. Only in smaller doses please.

Sad and Not Sad at All

Someone in my extended family died recently. Someone who never showed me an ounce of love, even when I was still a child. Someone that I have never loved. Someone who did country trips and refused to include me when I was a teenager, but she brought my brothers, so I was all alone at home with my parents. Someone who convinced her partner to not buy my younger siblings and I Christmas presents because there were too many of us in the family, but who still bought everyone in her side of the family presents, even though there was as many family members in her side of the family as in mine. Someone who I can’t recall of a moment of kindness or love that she ever exhibited to me. I saw her three years ago and I was happy to know that I did not have to have anything to do with her, her family, or her husband ever again. And I’m not sad. I’m not sad at all. Not one tear. Sometimes I have to wonder if I am empty of emotions, well definitely empty of emotions for some people and for many of the most egregious family members of mine.

Last night I found out that an online friend, Blah Polar, died. She died through suicide.

I thought that she was so incredibly wonderful and such an incredible writer and human being. I loved her writing ability. It just blew me away, as well as her courage and sense of humor in the face of her life and all that she dealt with.

She was one of those rare finds of mine, an online blog friend who found me, instead of me finding her. It was such a compliment to me that she found me, and my blog, and that she came back here over and over when I didn’t have much to give, because of my health issues, or a decent computer to write with.

I slowly got into her blog and her life and over time I really really found a lot of love for her. I looked forward to her stopping into my blog. She just made my day sometimes. I don’t think she knew that I loved her, how much she meant to me, and now how much that I miss her already. I started trying to tell her in the last few months, cause she was dealing with a lot with her mental health disease and I felt a need to tell her.

So in the past week I’ve faced feeling nothing and feeling sadness and painful loss. And I know which I prefer.

I prefer feeling sadness and painful loss, because that means that something beautiful and wonderful touched my heart, my soul, my mind, and my life, and that I have been changed by another person in a wonderful way and that I get to remember her and hold her in my heart and mind and soul forever.

In Which I Am Snarky

At a family gathering recently a sister in law of one of my brother’s came up to me. A brother that I had told many years ago that I no longer consider him a brother of mine and exactly why. I haven’t had any conversations with her in over thirty years and even then it was more of being in the same room with her kind of thing, once or twice. I probably haven’t seen her in fifteen years and my attitude has always been, so what, my life is fine without you, your sister, and him. They’re not in my life and even before I excluded them, they exhibited no effort in being in my life.

I don’t normally go to any kind of “family” gatherings, but this was in remembrance of my beloved relative who recently died. I had tried to avoid these three witches that day, but each of them came up to me several times. My ex-brothers knows enough to stand about five feet away from me when he says hello or goodbye. He still persists in doing this, even though I know my other brother has told him I don’t want anything to do with him ever.

The sister in law of my brother came up to me and said hello so-and-so and then asked, do you know who I am? She looks exactly the same, just older, with more weight on her. I mean I have no trouble recognizing relatives, even someone who isn’t really a relative of mine, but a relation of relative of mine. I told her, yes you are so-and-so. I’m still puzzling that one out, she’s older than me, if anyone would have memory loss it would have to be her first.

Later in the day when she was doing her rounds saying goodbye to people she came up to me again and wanted to give me a hug goodbye. Okay fine, whatever, she means nothing to me. It didn’t comfort me or help me in my healing process, but what the hell. By the way she was acting she thought she was doing something healing for me. No seeing the three of them is not healing, is not comforting, it is just the opposite.

My beloved nephew died and now I can’t have his smiling face in my life, bitch, so go fuck off, I wanted to say.  I love him and miss him and you think your presence and your excessive inaneness will do something for me? I didn’t say anything because I had promised one of my brothers to be nice at the gathering and he was hovering just behind her and could hear what was being said. He had told me to just talk to those I wanted to talk to and leave the rest alone. I had tried that, but that never works with my family, if you don’t want them, they have to try to invade your space and boundaries.

I about flipped my wig when she continued with her comments.

She said, you look just like your mom. (Yes she just compared me physically to a sex offender, who beat and raped me while I was a pre-schooler. Yes I look like a 70 year old woman, who had white hair when she died more than 15 years ago, thanks for your tact. Obviously I don’t.)

I bent over, stuck my finger in my mouth and made gagging noises.

She said, seeing you makes me think of your mom.

I said, that does nothing for me.

She said, well I always had a soft spot in my heart for your mom.

I said, again that does nothing for me.

She walked away.

About a month ago I had decided that a big healthy dose of snark was an entrenched part of my personality, that I accept that, and that I love that about myself. I’m not some kind of perfect little kitten, some tiny little victim that others can make be nice and compliant, which is what my family has always tried to do to me. I want to be good and kind and caring, more than anything else in the world, but the first and most important person for me to be good and kind and caring to is me.

Their presence in my life does nothing for me. Bye-bye.

A Recent Loss

A relative in my extended family recently died. I love him very much. Having to experience the death and loss of a loved one who is much younger than you is so difficult.

For some years I had really wished that we could be spending more time together. It was an old family pattern that I was not successful in connecting up with family members to spend time with, even those who were not emotionally abusive. After excluding some emotional and verbal abusers from my life about five years ago, and refusing to go to family gatherings because of that reason, I didn’t see some of my extended family at all. I wanted to, but I have only found limited success in those desires and efforts.

So I’ve missed him terribly. And now he is gone. A relative told me this week that he had loved me very much. That I knew. I loved him very much as well. He was a sweet hearted boy who grew up to be a sweet hearted man. His sweet gentleness never failed to touch me and to make my life happier and more healed. What else I got told is that he had always felt a deep connection to me and expressed that to others. I didn’t know he felt that. I know now. It makes the loss feel deeper. I miss him.

A Friend Lost

I’m not sure if this title is exactly accurate, but it feels as though it is true. I was the one to end the friendship, or perhaps I was the first one to voice that we weren’t friends any longer and to say that it was over with.

We had been online friends for many years. We talked on the phone a lot, posted to a message board to one another a lot, and wrote emails back and forth to one another. Over time we became very close, I thought. I trusted her and told her things that I didn’t have anyone else to tell. Having a close friend who is a survivor, who I can share a great deal with and share a great deal in our backgrounds, was tremendously healing from me.

Then things changed. More and more I was losing people or losing contact or closeness to them, including her. Over time I was very lonely and started trying to find more avenues online where I could reach out to others. Actually this is one of the big reasons that I started a blog. From the beginning of my blog I loved the contact with others and with their blogs. I wanted to reach out to others, but it was beyond my ability to hope or even envision finding others who were reaching back to me.

I hadn’t heard from this friend in the last few months and I had been going through so much loneliness. I know that isn’t anyone else’s fault. I know that she was dealing with her own stuff, but I just didn’t know what her own stuff was, no contact. I know that I wanted to do more activities and find more friends, but my health was seriously getting in the way of that, as always, though perhaps more in the last six months.

She had been sick a lot lately. When I found out I offered to do Reiki distance healing energy for her for free. She agreed. I did seven hours for her for free. We had several difficult emails where she accused me of many things, including trying to get money from her for them and then that I was not being professional. Free sort of doesn’t equate with professional, free is free, professional is for pay. I wrote to her that I had done this out of the love in my heart.

I thought about it that night after I had written her another email. I thought that she is not my friend anymore, if she were she would not write such hateful and ugly things to me. I thought oh I must be going to feel very horrible about all of this. But the fact is that I didn’t feel anything at all. I looked inside myself and all I saw was this huge empty space where our friendship should have been. I was very surprised. If you had asked me before that moment I never would have said that is what I would feel. There was nothing there. I thought that I had lost her a long time ago and that was why there was nothing there.

The next day I got another email and wrote back saying we weren’t friends anymore. I think I was just stating a fact, rather than breaking up with her as a friend. We aren’t friends anymore. There’s nothing I can do about that. There’s nothing I want to do about that. I don’t feel sad about that. I don’t feel anything about that.

Instead I felt all the loneliness I had been feeling the last six months. I know that’s not all about her and that I certainly wasn’t looking for her to fill up that space inside me now, after what’s happened. Getting feedback from some online friends through this has really helped buoy me and given me some great advice. I am making plans for my life and making things better day by day. I love and appreciate all the good things that I do have. And I want so much more. With that in mind I am going to keep reaching.