A Small Update

My health continues to improve. Except for an issue with my ears, which is perfectly normal, unfortunately, when I have had a couple of health issues in a row. My ears are in more pain and when I stand up I am dizzy and my balance is way off. I’m not having huge periods of vertigo with this, which is so freaking wonderful. I am treating that and if it gets worse, rather than better, I will get in to see my doctor when it starts getting worse. I will continue to treat as I have in the past, with home treatments that have helped in the past.

My yearly subscription to amazon prime is expiring in a couple of weeks and for the last month or so I have been trying to see some of my stuff on my watchlist for the last two years. I decided not to renew this year. I’m not happy with amazon as a company nor the available options on their site of shows for viewing with the membership. There really isn’t much that I want to see there, and then only low priority, cause there is so much elsewhere that I want to see more.

I decided to cancel and then maybe a few times a year to do a monthly membership there and spend the extra money on a PBS membership. I haven’t been a member in a number of years there and this is my effort to spend my money in places I really endorse.

One of the shows that I have managed to watch there recently is Deadwood. I managed to watch all three seasons in about the space of a week. So I have been swearing a lot more than normal. Lol. Sometimes I am such a sponge

First, I love Deadwood, and second, the writing, directing, and acting on that show were all fantastic. If you haven’t seen Deadwood, I highly recommend it. But with one proviso, it is very triggering and many of the story lines are very abusive.

I can’t remember if I mentioned this lately, but I am also re-watching the original show of Law and Order and am on season 11 of 20 seasons. My lovely local library system has them for checkout for free. 🙂 I love my local library system. It is the best!  I love that show and thanks to late night repeats on television over a period of years and years, and insomnia, I have seen it over and over again. This show is one of my all-time favorites. I still think that my favorite seasons are 1-3. I’m hoping to finish with the library use of this series before winter sets in hard. I think that I should manage that okay. Being sick has meant that I watch lots more stuff to occupy myself since I can’t be out and about as much. I am having a great time with it all and working hard on self-care and self-love to keep me occupied.

 

Cotton is My Favorite Fabric

Cotton is my favorite fabric. I love the way it feels. I love the way it washes and stays in good shape. I love the way it looks. I love easy and comfortable and cotton is the fabric for me.

Some fabrics have other feels to them, including more lush and expensive feels, but nothing feels as good to me. I like some other fabrics, but they are more for big celebrations and parties. They cost more and care is more expensive as well. Cotton is for every day. Cotton is for my every day.

For many years I could buy 100% cotton tshirts and shirts. Only now it has gotten harder and harder to find them in the lower priced stores. They have gone back to cotton and polyester blends, of course cause they are cheaper, but the quality is cheaper as well. Polyester is plastic, it makes me sweaty and hot, uncomfortable and unnatural. Cotton does not.

About 4% of spandex is acceptable on really loose clothing, otherwise it causes me pain, think that is due to my fibromyalgia and back disability issues. Having comfort in my clothes is extremely important and I take it very seriously, as seriously as I take my other self care issues.

I really hate finding a shirt I really love at a used store only to read the label and discover it is plastic. I really hate that. I know that I can’t comfortably wear it, getting hot, sweaty, and clingy if I were to try. I’ve tried to buy and wear those in the past and it never ends well. I almost did it again recently, having to repeat over and over what has happened in the past.

I think if I could buy in the more expensive stores I would be able to still find 100% cotton much easier. I wish that I had the extra money to spend.

I recently bought some new t-shirts, with and without sleeves that were 58% cotton. It is sort of acceptable, but not really what I want and would prefer to buy.  I had to buy new items, because it is so hard to find something I like, that fits loosely, and that has a good amount of cotton in it. I look every time that I used clothing shop, but usually don’t find anything. So I have some acceptable new things to wear for spring and summer.

 

Five Days in a Row

I rode my bike and went somewhere each day for five days in a row this week. This is huge news and I wanted to share it. I suppose that hasn’t happened in more than three years, when my health got so much worse than it had been. I think that was mostly due to my undiagnosed gall bladder issues, but it effected my whole body, increased my level of pain, and caused me to have a huge increase in walking and standing pain and difficulties.

Actually I probably haven’t done it that many days in a row since the summer that I moved into this apartment complex. Back then I didn’t have air conditioning and absolutely had to get out of this heat box building at least a few hours each day.

It was a real challenge and seriously I didn’t think that I would be able to do it. But the tenant below me is still here and I really wanted to get away from her each day during this week, so I was highly motivated to avoid her for at least a few hours each day. Being this active has caused a deep increase in back and leg pain, especially going down into my left knee, a key issue for many years.

I know that I share about my health and my health limitations, but I don’t think that I have shared about how hard and restrictive things have been. Being vague works better for me. It’s hard for me to share here when I don’t get the support from my family, my community, and public and private spaces that I do go to. I know from experience that my blog friends, over the years, have never mistreated me or treated me badly, but I get it from so many areas of my life, it makes it hard for me to share anywhere, even here, about specifics.

When I share with my family I don’t get support or help for my limitations, even when I ask explicitly for a reasonable accommodation. I get sneered at. I get jeered at. I get insulted and diminished. They say they love me, which I really doubt based on their treatment of me, and then they act like I should not be disabled or need help or assistance or accommodation or equal rights. They suck, I know.

It’s that they suck so bad and that I’ve had so many experiences out in public, in public spaces, in shopping places, and everywhere, all that time, that reinforce that others don’t care and even though it is the law, they either refuse to comply with the disability laws or they act like I and others are not asking for equal rights and equal access, but rather are asking for extra rights and extra access and they believe they have a right to deny us that. And again it is against the law. So many people out there suck and feel that I don’t deserve reasonable and legal accommodation be made for my disabilities. It’s hard for me to share about this and how much it restricts my life. I hate that so much, but I also know that if others cared and did things to give me access and accommodation, then my life would be so much easier and so much happier.

My Next Dr’s Appointment

My doctor had recommended that I see an ear nose and throat specialist and because she is my doctor and because I love her so much, got an appointment for the week after I saw my doctor, even though I have only seen one of those and it was an awful experience. My experience is that they are argumentative and contentious doctors, which is surprising and the reason why I don’t try to see one more often.

My doctor had diagnosed a middle ear infection, with fluid in the ear. She gave me a prescription for an antibiotic and I was feeling much better before seeing the specialist.

This doctor was the same as the doctor that I saw many years ago. In addition, she was dismissive and insulting, which really made me mad and made me stand up for myself to the doctor. She said that since I hadn’t had any surgeries or tubes in my ears then obviously my ear infection issues as a child were not very serious. I told her hey I’m so many years old and that was years before doctors did tubes in little children’s ears and my parents were poor, without insurance, and did not get me adequate health care, and never took me to a doctor when I had an ear infection, so you cannot be drawing any conclusions from that. She was a total jerk. She suggested that next time I have an issue that I make an appointment so she can see what it looks like. As if I would see her again.

As my doctor said, she wanted to eliminate some possibilities, so that was good. I took a hearing test while at the specialist and I still don’t have any hearing loss or issues there, so that is great. The specialist referred me to a physical therapy clinic that specializes in TMJ, Trans Mandibular Joint Disorder, which my doctor had already considered a good option to consider doing some therapy with.

I was diagnosed with this about ten years ago, though have probably had it most of my life. I won’t be going to the clinic as they are at least twenty miles away from where I live and don’t want to do physical therapy on my neck and jaw. I might consider looking into other options there in the spring or summer, when I can more easily travel in warmer weather. I am also considering going back to have my chiropractor do acupuncture once again when the warmer weather arrives.

I started focusing more on the TMJ issues since then, as that seems to be the cause of most of the issues and am doing things to help that. The good news is that it also is doing better, with less tightness and pain and less horrible headaches. Less pain and less headaches, good news for the new year.

My Doctor Visit

I went to see my doctor a few days ago and I have to just say first, I love her, I love my doc so much.

I talked to her about a number of ongoing chronic issues and she really was knowledgeable, astute, compassionate, and caring. I just love her.

Here is the thing that I have with her that I have not had with another doctor, she listens and she really cares about what I say and then she really cares about giving me a diagnosis that will be helpful and healing. I realize that should be what a doctor does, but not so much in my experience, but definitely in my doctor’s visit with her.

I did get diagnosed with an ear infection again, and so she referred me to a specialist for next week, which should hopefully go well.

I have been taking my medication and resting a lot. Yesterday I slept for more than twelve of hours, and that went great. Today I took part in an annual party that I started with some relatives, a couple of years ago, and I will definitely share more about that in a day or two. I had a great and wonderful time and being home now, I just feel kind of giddy with the enjoyment of the day and being with my great-nieces. 🙂 It’s nice.

I’m kind of tired out, so I am just chillaxing. So how was your day and how is your holiday season going? Thinking of yous and sending yous good and healing thoughts to yous.

Sometimes Sick Happens

Sometimes sick happens. And then you are thankful for the normal crap sick that you have to deal with most days.

My face had swollen up and then my neck, and yes previous to this both my ears were in pain. Here is the thing if most days you stay at home and you don’t talk to anyone else for a few days, it is harder to tell if you can’t really talk at all. That’s what happened to me over the weekend.

Yes my neck really looked swollen and so did my face. And yes my ears hurt a lot more than usual, but I knew that if I went into the doctor they wouldn’t do anything to fix it, because there isn’t anything they can do about a head cold.

This is not at all surprising, considering three things: 1) I have gone through several death and/or death anniversaries recently and I always find them very difficult. 2) I often get sick around the changing of the seasons. 3) It has been colder sooner this year and I have often felt cold and been breathing in cold air while in bed, as some comes in through my a/c during the overnights and eventually I usually get sick.

So on Saturday I finally realized that my neck was very swollen. I have been wearing my hair longer and it was often on both sides of my face when I was looking into the bathroom mirror and so it was partially obscured, but when I pulled the hair aside, I really was shocked and started to treat my head cold. Then I started paying attention to how bad I was really feeling. And treating the symptoms. That helps a lot. Slowly getting better. So, good and healing thoughts to us all.

Body Shaming Does Not Happen in a Bubble

Abuse and body shaming negatively impacts so many of us girls and women, though boys and men as well are going through increasing body pressures and standards and bullying around their bodies, and we have to spend precious energy and healing work on healing from emotional and verbal abuse on body shaming and weight issues.

I had to work years and years in order to accept and love my body, as is. I had been taught and shamed by my sexual abuser mother to hate and loathe my body. The abuse also taught me this. I had weight issues that I struggled with for a long time, partly due to having undiagnosed and untreated low level thyroid functioning. I had gained extra weight, gained over two decades, contributed by health disabilities, a back disability, and being given a series of anti-depressants that caused more weight gain. I had body dysmorphic disorder for decades. It was exhausting to hate and loathe myself and my body.

Just think of all the other healing work I could have done on healing from my child sexual abuse and the mother daughter sexual abuse if instead I could focus on them and not have to work on them and body issues and self hatred and body hatred caused by my abusers, others, my society, and bullies.

In addition, abuse and body shaming do not happen in a bubble, they are supported by cultural norms and standards that are unrealistic and violations of autonomy and personal pursuits of integrity, body love, freedom, happiness, and respect, and they negatively impact males and females around the world.

I want to lose more weight, have lost thirty pounds and kept those off for more than four years, and it is quite an up-and-down challenge with my disability and mobility issues. I want to lose weight because it helps my back disability and my whole body; I even have less pain throughout my body when I have weighed less and that is not insignificant. But my weight issues are not based on societal or gender standards as far as I am concerned. I don’t care. But that doesn’t mean that I am not a target of those standards.

I won’t hate myself because I was taught to hate myself and I won’t hate myself because someone else believes those lies and feels good about being cruel and hateful to someone else. This type of stuff does impact women and girls and even guys, and it surely had a huge part in my mother’s body hatred and her transferring that onto my sister and I.

I want to help myself to be happier and healthier and weight and activity level are important components of that. However other people and my culture do not dictate how I do that, how I love myself, nor how I live my life.

My love for myself isn’t based on approval from my culture, other women, men, or anybody about my body, it is based on my assessment of my characteristics, my skills, my personality, my inner system’s worth, and our beliefs and actions as we move through the world. We have worked hard and long to love our disabled body and that is a hard won victory. The two men who participated in body shaming me recently had and have no impact on that. I’m sure they have done this kind of hatred towards other women. They were very comfortable doing it and seemed to enjoy it a great deal.

It hasn’t been the only incident, it even happened once last week from a seriously deranged older woman who didn’t think that I was moving fast enough to her liking when she was trying/demanding that I move out of her way at the entrance to the post office, as I was trying to lock my bike, and she insulted me and jabbed her long fingernails into my mid-back three or four times and bullied me about my body, saying insulting things about my body, in an attempt to body shame me.

There were three ways to get into the door and she had to rush up behind me and harass me. I was not blocking the front door. She was nuts, to put it in psychological terms. I seriously told her exactly what I thought of her and told her to stay away from me, and that if she touched me again I was going to call the police on her. Being disabled I move and walk slower than some, some of the time, but I was not in her way. She chose to walk up behind me and harass me.

None of that has any effect on how I live my life. But I know that it effects others and their lives and how they limit themselves and how they stay home and don’t participate in their lives as much as they would if these kind of hateful people were not out there in the world.

A friend of mine in college told me about a time that she went to a workout center, and got made fun of by two jock guys, calling her fat. She had trouble going back again. This is not rare.

It is awful that a person gets body shamed when they are being physically active. I’ve read about this happening repeatedly by fat/body acceptance bloggers. If someone really cared about people or a specific person, they would not shame them when they are being physically active, they would do it when they weren’t being active. This would just be the rational thing to do. They don’t want to helpfully motivate others, they want to engage in hate speech and bullying for their own gratification.

I was recently on my bike when two men in a car made fun of me; one yelling out the window, Lose some weight! A rational person would think and say to themselves, hey this person is being active, they are taking care of their body, but really and seriously what they do is none of my business, so I will shut up.

A rational observer would thus conclude that encouraging or even bossing around another person to be active and/or lose weight is not the goal, the goal is to attempt to body shame, judge, and be hateful, judgmental and bullying towards another person. The goal is to make someone else feel bad because the bully is feeling small and diminished and don’t want to feel their own pain.

When I was regularly going to the gym, several years ago, no one came up to me or encouraged me or even tried to smile, wave, say hi, nod, introduce themselves; not one single athletic person, male or female, out of the numerous times I went there, out of the numerous athletes there. One woman who was overweight and working out there came up to me once and introduced herself and really treated me well, giving me feedback and encouragement. What a bright shining light she was.:) I try to be that kind of light for other people.