Recently I filled out the form to have my medical records copied and sent to me. I have seen the same doctor for about ten years. But I have seen several others at the same clinic, as well as specialists elsewhere, when needed. I asked for all my records. I got them in the mail on Saturday. I wanted to have them for when I move at the end of this month. It seemed very small compared to my chart. I was only sent records for the last two years.
I’ve seen four women doctors there in that time. Two were lovely, two were horrid. One even yelled at me. I was surprised to see that my regular doctor did not write negative things about my body in my chart. At least not in the last two years. The two horrid doctors did.
They wrote negative comments about me, which I won’t repeat here. Disparaging things about me and judgments about my life, without even knowing me or what was wrong.
Well my records showed me that my regular doctor selected what he listened to and wrote down, to my health detriment and two female doctors who I did not like or trust were mean spirited and wrote mean and derogatory things into my chart about me; my permanent record. Something I was always told to fear since I was little and in school.
The internist that I went to when my regular doctor kept telling me I had IBS wrote that I had not had this problem before, writing it was a new complaint. I had been talking to my regular doctor about it for some time. Though he never put it in my medical record. That was wrong of him to do. She wrote as though I was faking the pain I was going through. I asked for the h pylori test, thank goodness I had read about it in a magazine and knew what to ask for. She was shocked and amazed when it came back positive. I don’t get that, I had all the symptoms.
He kept telling me it was IBS and I needed to eat a lower fat diet. I kept telling him that I didn’t eat a lot of fat and that there was definitely something wrong. He would give me that look. That look he always gave me when I talked about prior health issues. That look that I was ignorant, lying, or not able to tell him that I was indeed a food addict.
I told him plenty of things that he could have concluded gluten intolerance long ago. Years ago I showed him, many times, weird rashes that I got that were coincidentially a rash that some people with gluten intolerance get. Yet instead of seeing my symptoms as being something he needed to deal with, he chose to believe negative things about me that he never confessed to, to not document some things and I guess that got in the way of him seeing the truth.
Finally three months ago I brought it up, when I was sure that I had gluten intolerance. He gave me the standard lecture about it was rare and probably not what I was going through. (It’s being diagnosed in almost 1% of the population now, that is not rare.) I said I knew for sure it was what I was going through. He said he could refer me to a specialist, though he had never said that in the past about all the gi issues I have presented with, that he never bothered to write down. I don’t want any doctor that he will recommend. I will find a new one by myself after my move at the end of this month.
So I look back and I see how he refused to help me to find the reasons I was so sick and something so easy as not eating gluten. I always felt abandoned and like nobody truly cared about me there. My money, yes, but me, no, not so much.
I have a broken bone in my lower spine called a spondiloletic spondilothesis. I might be spelling that wrong here. Basically that means that at the point of my spine, my body core, where I should be the strongest, I am the weakest. This creates among other things a pinched nerve and sciatic pain that is like having a knife stuck in my body and moved around. The current thinking is that this is caused by child abuse before the age of seventeen. Yeah.
This causes issues all the way up my spine to my neck, causing pinched nerves there as well. The neurologist, though he was willing to go over my tests and explain to me in detail what was going on, had nothing else to offer me but medications that I could not tolerate and a recommendation to a physical therapist who thought that he could bend me like a pretzel. After that he told me he had no other recommendations, since he did not believe I should have surgery. My regular doctor kept trying to push surgery, I told him no, not at this level of functioning.
Even though they wanted to tell me I had fibromyalgia and dignosed it, I knew there were a lot of unexplained symptoms and they weren’t getting it right and none of them listened to me. The rheumatologist didn’t do a single test for anything else to eliminate other issues. He didn’t even bother telling me the three diagnoses he gave me that first day. He didn’t even bother telling me I should take vitamin d supplements, as that can help with muscle pain. I had to find that out almost a year later when I switched to a female specialist in the same clinic.
I knew for some time that I really should go to a naturopath, but could not ever afford it. Though I have known others who have been mistreated by natural healing doctors and methods as well.
I also see how my being a survivor and being ignored and abandoned by others repeated itself in my medical experiences. I just wonder if this treatment is common for many people, and more common for survivors of childhood abuse.
I’m sure that lots of people who aren’t survivors get let down by doctors, get the wrong treatment and diagnoses, and bad care. It’s just that having trouble standing up for myself is one of the big aftereffects of having been abused and makes me vulnerable to being re-abused and deficient when trying to advocate for myself.
I am moving towards the end of this month and all these doctors are on my list of things I am happy to leave behind.
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