Holding Dollie

The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse for May had two posts on the topic of inner child healing work. It’s something that I see the need for and want to do more in my life. I have been thinking that so much of our childhood was stolen from us by those who abused us and used us to do the emotional, intellectual, and sexual roles that were the jobs of adults.

It was hard for me to be a child and to act like a child most of my childhood. I couldn’t be happy or playful or loud without drawing my mother’s attention and abuse (Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse). I couldn’t be a child. I learned to be stone-faced, to act as though I felt nothing and to express nothing, to be quiet, to be alone, in order to be safe from her. I learned to hide.

I learned that my toys and dollies would be used as weapons against me. I learned that love would cost me. I learned that loving something would be noticed by my abuser and used as coercion. I learned that my heart could be broken and I could walk away from the only dollie that I ever loved when the mother abuser held her hostage and debased her. I gave my heart to no other toy until I was older and I felt they were safer, after the mother-daughter sexual abuse had stopped.

As an older child and teenager I had a lot of dollies, a lot of stuffies. I still do. I have them. I love them. I just don’t hold them much. I’m sure that there are many insiders who would like to hold dollie.

I’ve been thinking of a lot lately about the healing work that I need to do for myself and our system. It is very difficult for me to find the time and energy to do so. I love all my inners, but have to admit to being overwhelmed with health and mental health issues much of the time.

However it is essential for healing for me to assist and help others inside in their own needs, hopes, dreams, issues to help us all in healing. It helps in my healing work to post on a topic and then to go back and forth while working on it, getting support and feedback, talking to my best friends on the phone, posting again and again. I need and value the interactions. It helps move me along in my healing and in my healing work.

Child inners were created for good reasons and they need to be allowed to be children. I have a lot of trouble letting them out to be kids. I get self-conscious. I get embarrassed. I get conflicted and humiliated that I don’t manage all this better. To try to be fair to myself, this all is overwhelming and demanding and hard work. I really wish that I did this all better. I will be working on that.

There are lots of things I’d like to do, but where I live right now, without a lot of privacy, I feel the need to put off some things. However some other things I want to start doing now or in the near future.

One thing that I have done in the last few months is to turn over the healing quotes listings to the Littles and the Teens, who alternate every month. They like that a lot. They tend to pick quotes that I wouldn’t pick out and it gives the blog an added flavor. I like it. I do also post some of my own quote choices, here and there. I loved picking out some of the healing quotes on my birthday on the topics of books and reading.

I have dollies and stuffies sitting on my bed near me where I face while sleeping. They tend to fall off the side of the bed. Sometimes I tend to forget to get them out, stuck between the bed and the wall. Yesterday I dragged them out and put them on the bed again. I noticed that it isn’t often that we hold dollies or stuffies. I decided that is not a good thing. Since I have a private bedroom that no one else is allowed into, I have privacy and safety in here. So tonight we were holding dollie. More to come.