Lost Emotions

When I was young, most of my emotions were a dull throbbing pain inside of me. Most of what I felt was not even really the emotions that I thought they were. Mostly what I thought of  emotions was feelings of grief, rejection, terror, and sadness, in a surprising number of shades.

I didn’t know that until I was an adult and on my own, when slowly real emotions started seeping in and I had to figure out what they were and naming them and trying to find out what to do with them. I worked on healing for a long time. I had a wide range of emotions and they each could have different resonances and vibrations.

I started teaching my inners about emotions, as they emerged, worked on being in the world, and started feeling their feelings, their loss, and their sorrow. A lot of healing happened. We made a lot of progress.

I went to several different therapists. Some things worked, some things didn’t, some therapists were healing, some other therapists were godawful and wounded me. I always had my feelings.

I was trying to find a new therapist while having a lot of flashbacks. I had contacted several only to be told that I had to go to one year of DBT first. I explained that I was not in need of DBT and didn’t want it.

I couldn’t find a therapist who did trauma therapy for DID clients who had experienced ritual abuse. They kept insisting that they knew my functioning and skill level better than I did. No, they didn’t. They didn’t know anything about me. Finally I gave up and got into a DBT program, because I needed to have someone to see in therapy while going through my disability claim. I hated DBT.

Being coerced into doing DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) changed my emotions. It supressed all my emotion, no matter what I was working on. The two therapists I saw individually, at different times, were both awful. They interrupted me when I was talking. They changed the subject. They ignored what I was going through.

I told them that I was dissociative enough, I didn’t need more skills to dissociate from what I was going through. I even got that from supposed DID/trauma therapists. They were wrong.

I was a Christian and believed in keeping my spirituality out of my therapy and yet the creator of DBT stole aspects of Buddhism and especially Zen and Tibetan Buddhism and put them directly into DBT and then tried to say it wasn’t religion, because she was so stupid she didn’t know that Zen was Buddhism, even after studying it for years. It was my right to decide how much I wanted to share on my spiritual and/or religious life. I had a right not to have another religion forced upon me. I was against practicing another religion and my concerns were ignored and actively invalidated.

I believe in telling myself I am a good person. I need that to counteract the self-loathing and self-hated. I was told that neither good or bad were descriptors I should use. It took me years to believe, even in a small way, that I was good and deserved to be loved. I wasn’t going to give that up.

They actually tried to tell me that the skills the were teaching were not dissociative, but rather associative. They weren’t.

They actually tried to tell me that they didn’t judge me or their clients in the group, but instead accepted us all right where we were at in our lives. I wish I could say that was true. That never happened. I would think the concept of forced change negates the concept of acceptance and evaluating someone as being all right where they are in their life.

The therapists were on the side of other therapists in the clinic, rather than finding out what happened in any incident, before judging me. Yet judging the clients was something that they weren’t supposed to be doing. I prefer that a therapist is there for me, rather for someone else who isn’t a client. I never thought that would happen, but it does.

The last time I was in DBT it had managed to supress a lot of my emotions. Maybe they are really there, at times I see myself acting as though I am feeling love, or loyalty, or something else. Maybe they are there, I just don’t know where there is. I feel as though I’ve lost my emotions. But the truth is someone buried them and now I have to find them again.

Emotions and Self Esteem

 

Survivor Resource Pages (Forty pages of resources, non-profit organizations, articles, and healing support for survivors of child sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault, domestic violence, and dealing with the aftermath of child sexual abuse.)

United Nations’ Universal Declaration on Human Rights

The Basics of Emotions

We Need Our Feelings

Feelings: Identifying How You Feel

What to do With Your Feelings

Tips for Dealing with Your Feelings

What to Do When You’re Feeling Down

The Thoughts Room

Feelings of Emptiness

Creating Routine in Your Life

Huge List of Activities

9 Ways to Shift Your Mood

6 Tips to Fight Boredom

Finding Inner Calm in a Hectic World

Be Spontaneous: It will Bring Joy

Grounding/Coping Skills

Self-Soothe/Comfort Skills

Boundaries Skills

Privilege: White Privilege, etc.

Working With Self-Talk

Causes of Low Self-Esteem

Overcoming Low Self-Esteem

Authentic Self-Esteem

Self-Esteem: Why it Matters

Low Self-Esteem and Relationships: How to Reclaim Yourself

Building Self-Esteem: A Self-Help Guide

Self-Esteem and Creativity

Speaking Out for Yourself: A Self-Help Guide

Reasons to Stop Making Comparisons

Ten Steps to Genuine Self-Acceptance

The Creative Route to Your Authentic Self

Worthiness: Drinking from the Bowls of Life

Notice the Small Things That Make You Happy

The Inner Critic: Accepting Ourselves

Don’t Let Your Inner Critic Get You Down

Optimism: How to Avoid Negative Thinking

Accepting Yourself

All or Nothing Thinking

Cognitive Distortions

Show Yourself How Much You Care

Tips on How to Love Yourself

Give Yourself Positive, Nurturing Messages

Finding Self-Love as a Survivor: How do you Love Yourself When You’ve Been Taught to Hate Yourself?

Treat Yourself Like a Friend

10 Steps to Fostering Gentleness and Compassion in Yourself

Be Gentle With Your Pain: Alternatives for Those Hurting

Why We Deflect Compliments and Positive Messages and How to Take Them In

When You Don’t Like Yourself

Cultivate Self Respect

Procrastination-Sometimes You Just Have to Accept It

How to Control Anger

Anger Myths

Letting Go of Anger

Shame: The Relationship Between Shame and Child Abuse

Feelings of Shame

Overcoming Shame

Family Shame

Toxic Shame

Healing Shame: The Hiding Places of Toxic Shame

Blaming: The Ineffective Art of Scrambling for Comfort

Stages of Grief

How to Deal with Grief: What Every Child Abuse Survivor Should Know

Removing Toxic People From Your Life

Toxic People

Are Your Friends True or Toxic

Choosing Friends Wisely

How to Make Friends

Making and Keeping Friends- A Self-Help Guide

A Little Help From Our Friends

Recovery and Wellness Lifestyle- A Self-Help Guide

Action Planning for Prevention and Recovery

Nature as Muse, Healer, and Guide

Zen Garden

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Body Image

Self-Injury/Self-Harm

Eating Disorders