I have always loved words. Even when I was tiny I loved words.
When I am really stressed, like during finals weeks, instead of just reading over the textbooks, highlighted texts, and my notes, I often would read a whole book. I never had time to read a whole book as well as study.
I was reading lots and lots of words, hundreds of pages worth. It took me a while to understand why I was driven to do this. I was filling myself up with words, into my mind and body.
Another ritual abuse survivor told me that she used to read pages and pages of words before being ritually abused. She told me that she could recite the paragraphs in her mind and that was what helped her to dissociate away from what was abuse she was going through. It helped her to stop feeling the emotions they were putting her through.
Thinking about writing this post made me realize something that I think is important. Most of the time I have words. I can’t think of many circumstances when I do not have words inside me. When I am triggered or having a panic attack or even very upset, I don’t have any words. It’s hard to speak. It is hard to think. It is hard to have any words inside of me.
I need to think and feel about this some more. I think that there are times when I am not upset when I can consciously think about words and my connections to them. I will be exploring how my connections to words can become stronger and help me in all areas of my life. Words are something that are real, very real to me, but they are also things that I do not have to touch in order to feel them.