Well This Sucks

Well this sucks.

Just as I have been able to start finding the words to describe and write about certain things that have happened to me six months ago and even a year ago and even longer ago than that, cause I was pretty blocked about sharing about certain things, just when I seem to be opening up more and able to share more, wham! a lot more stuff has been happening this past week and I feel real silent again and it is really hard to find the words. Well this sucks.

On the plus side, which I still haven’t been able to talk much about the some of the big stuff this past year, even in therapy and here on the blog.

One thing I started doing in October last year was soul retrieval work, which has been incredible and fantastic and very, very healing, but the words just don’t seem to come out to share about it and to feel about it and to really get a good grip on what happened and what is still happening. I hope mentioning it here helps me to start trying to post more about that process.

I was able to go to therapy this afternoon and was able to condense some of the big shit that has been happening this week and what it means and how I have been thinking and feeling and processing. So that is a really good sign.

I’ve been doing a lot of inner multiple system work, in our inner living reality of the system, which has really been exhausting and very essential, and I hope that I will be able to share some of that and for some of the inners to share more about that as well on our private blog.

Friends online and in person, who know that I am multiple, have been tremendously supportive in our healing process and have often asked what it is like to be multiple, what kind of stuff can I do, how can I do things better to be there for you?

And quite frankly it has always been so hard for me to deal with finding an adequate answer. I am thinking that I might be able to write something about what we are going through within/inside the system, as we interact with one another, as a way of trying to explain some of what it feels like and how we experience being multiple. Well we will be thinking about it and trying to write about it.

A lot of the things of life are good and I am still doing many fun and enjoyable things every week, even if it is only to read a book that I want, watch a movie or a tv show that I want. That has been the good part of the healing process over the years.

The suckie parts still suck. Sharing about a huge portion of my healing process has been such an integral part of my healing, my life, and my soul. It has always been really necessary and important to be able to just put it all out there. So this has been particularly difficult to not be able to find the words to write or say. I am able to write more and post more and that has been very helpful, moving in the right direction I think and I am hoping, and I will continue to keep working on it.

Multiples are 1% of Our Society

I am a multiple. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, previously known as Multiple Personality Disorder. We are not rare in our society.

Yes multiples, those with Dissociative Identity Disorder, are estimated to be 1% of our society, not a rare condition.

I had told one of my brother’s this before and he probably doesn’t want to remember this or think about this or anything about being multiple, because he keeps telling me that being multiple is “all in my head,” as though that means it doesn’t exist or that I imagine it or that if I only just thought hard enough about it, it would all just disappear, if I truly wanted it to. I always tell him no that is not how it works. It is not something you can imagine away, because it does not only exist in your imagination, DID is real.

So every once in a while we have “the multiple argument” where I tell him he doesn’t know what he is talking about and he pretends that he does.  I really deserve better from him. But he keeps refusing to care enough about me to take in the reality of my painful childhood and it’s consequences and long-term aftereffects. I deserve better from him.

I was telling that again recently to my rather dense brother, about multiples being 1% of the population, who found it hard to wrap his mind around that idea. And so instead of trying harder, he tried to argue about the fact.  And how he argues is to dispute a fact by using his own personal life observations, rather than facts.

Yes we have scientists and psychiatrists and psychologists, clinicians and researchers, and several decades of research and the current estimate is 1% of the population.

On the other side of the argument is my brother, with no degree, no psychology work of any kind, disputing them. He told me that only two people, one is me, have ever disclosed to him in his whole lifetime that they are multiple, so it must be rare. I said no that is not what that means.

What you can conclude from the fact that two people have disclosed being multiple to you is that two people have told you that they are multiple. Nothing else.  Nothing more. (I’ve known lots more multiples, online and in person, and I don’t think that means that the percentage of the population must therefore be much higher as a result of my personal experiences!)

Personal opinions. Personal beliefs or belief systems. Personal prejudices against those with mental health challenges. Personal experiences. Personal levels of denial about childhood sexual abuse and it’s consequences and it’s aftereffects.  None of those things are facts, scientific data or scientific conclusions.

Being Multiple

Okay usually this kind of tripe is something that I would normally ignore, but this time I won’t.

Being multiple is not a lifestyle choice.

No therapist indoctrinated me into believing I was multiple. No therapy made me multiple. For most multiples therapy is an essential part of our survival for years, often on a day to day and moment to moment basis as we attempt to work on healing from being sexually abused and violated when we were just little children and babies.

There are many bad therapists. There really are, but there are also great therapists. There was one case, that I know of, in which one therapist was sued for convincing some clients that they were all DID. That was more than fifteen years ago. It was not an epidemic. Perhaps there were some who were horribly violated and abused like this. I accept that therapist abuse occurs, though it is usually the sexual abuse of clients type of therapist abuse.

Although I have heard about this from people who deny child sexual abuse, I have not heard of another case that really happened, with real names, cases and lawsuits, just allegations that it happened. Perhaps it did, but anyone can say anything, proof is something else.

It is a fact that most multiples were sexually abused as children and that is why they are multiple. DID is real, whether it is in the DSM, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual or not. It is in the DSM.

It was always real and it will always be real, regardless of whether mental health professionals believe in it or not, whether it is in the DSM or not, whether society accepts and acknowledges the fact of child sexual abuse and it’s long term aftereffects or not, including whether anyone else believes in dissociative identity disorder or not.

Being multiple is not analogous to the kind of clothes I choose to wear or don’t, the types of sports I play or am a fan of or avoid, the kinds of movies I love and watch and the ones that I abhor and don’t watch, the hobbies that I am consumed by or avoid, the kinds of music I love and hate, the kinds of habits I continue to do or quit, or the quality of life I give myself or avoid.

I am a big proponent of the beliefs that we all have a right to our own beliefs and the right to voice them. Although I would defend someone’s right to their speech, I am still sickened by it. I won’t ever visit blogs like that, I am not inviting someone who believes that and writes that stuff to come here, and I won’t ever engage in a dialogue here with someone who believes that.

Being multiple is something that was done to me, not something I/we decided to do. There was a choice, the monster who masqueraded as a mother and a human being, she chose to sexually and physically abuse a baby. I, quite without conscious thought or will, broke into pieces. That was not a choice. That is psychological damage.

Being multiple is not a lifestyle choice.