I’ve Missed You All

Well I’ve missed  you  all. I’ve been sick a lot  these past two  weeks. My sinuses again. I went to the hospital  clinic that is closest  to  me and since i didn’t  have a high temp they refused to give me zpack, the antibiotic that kicks it out of me. I’ve been dizzy with horrendous vertigo for about a week.

I really should have stayed home alone for the holidays, cause I was so sick and in so much pain.  I was too stubborn and too positive that the meds would help a lot, they didn’t.

The holiday interactions went well, mostly, but I ended up saying things that I should have kept silent about, because they are long standing hateful  patterns and no good comes from trying to deal with that with family, as I  have  experienced  lo these many years. So again I  got  denials, stress, bad and hurt  feelings, and no resolving of the old wounds.

Same shit, so no surprise that I still get gaslit by siblings each holiday season. And when I  confront any of them I still get to see how they refuse to connect the dots to childhood patterns of gaslighting, emotional and verbal abuse and how they treat me now.

They truly expect me to not see those patterns  repeating over and over.  They truly think I  am supposed to disconnect from myself as a  child and not be hurt or harmed by their current or past emotional and verbal abuses.  I told my sister, that was me, not another little girl, those things happened to, I am that girl, those things happened to me. It hurts when someone repeats those behaviours now. Then we had an argument that when she is frustrated with me and raises her voice and/or tells me what to do that I  should not experience that as anger. I told her frustration is an anger emotion.

Its like living in the dark ages on an emotional  level with this kind of stuff.

That is a whole  bunch of posts when I  am  feeling  up to it. I don’t  feel heard or validated. So I  tried to be clear, the only coping I  have  for this is to distance myself. I realize I’ve  spent  too much time and need to draw back, because I don’t  want to be bossed or teased and to have it called normal and my reactions out of proportion to what  is happening.

The dramamine doesn’t seem to be working this past week, though I  suppose it is fair to say it is only half working, though I’ve  had much better  results in the past.

I’m using  a lot of remedies but not much is helping. I started adding more and more things each day.

I started using hydrogen  peroxide in my ear yesterday, a home remedy I’ve used in the past for liquid in my ears and it has decreased the pain and pressure in my ears right away.  You put in a small smount of hp and leave in for one minute, turn over and drain. If it is potentially bad for me I don’t  have anything else that works as good. Today I am feeling the best in over a week.



Survivor Quotes 75

“Send out the anger to where it belongs instead of to you or the people close to you.

~ Diana

Donna Raffanello, Can’t Touch My Soul: A Guide for Lesbian Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse

Oh Yeah, Anger is a Stage of Grief

Or how I swear out an old man in a scooter, and call him a douche. And how he totally deserved it.

I was biking on a street that was wet from rain. It’s harder to brake when the road is wet and slick. In those conditions it is harder to stop my bike and it takes longer and as a consequence it takes more space for me to stop my bike.

Since moving three months ago, I had learned quickly how necessary it is to watch bikers and pedestrians carefully, because they will step out right in front of you. I watch constantly and carefully, because I have to, because people are idiots and they have death wishes, or act like it, constantly.

I had the green light. Now let me just say that my having the green light means absolutely nothing to other bikers, pedestrians, and sometimes even drivers in vehicles. So I am careful, because it is necessary. Unfortunately that still is no guarantee that someone still won’t almost cause an accident, or almost run into me, or break the law and put me in a very dangerous unsafe situation.

An old man in a scooter was on the sidewalk as I rode up to the intersection. He had the red light. I had the green light. I was watching him carefully. He braked completely, while looking up at the red light that he had. I saw that he realized he had a red light. I saw that he had braked. I did not brake. I had the green light.

Then he zipped out right in front of me going about twenty miles an hour. Fucking scooters. I started screaming and swearing at him. And then he started mouthing off back to me. Here is the thing. You don’t get to act like that and then mouth off when someone bitches you out, when you richly deserve it. So I called him a douche.

And he totally deserved it. He could have caused me an accident. He could have flipped my bike and my bike and I could have both landed on his body or tipped over the scooter. If he thinks that could not cause him serious bodily harm or a back injury or a severed spine, he a bigger fucking idiot than I think he is already. He should never be allowed to get behind a vehicle of any kind, certainly not one that goes faster than one mile an hour.

And yet I realize all this past week how anger is a stage of grief, because I am so angry for others existing while experiencing the loss of my lovely nephew, who was a joy in my life and in my heart. So I get angry more often and I swear more often and I am okay with that.