When I first started healing from child sexual abuse, as an adult, I heard tons of commands to use affirmations. They didn’t work for me. They never worked for me. What they seemed to do instead when I used them was to break open a pocket of self-hatred, that would ooze inside me like pus. It was awful. It was one of those things that I always knew did not work for me and that would never work for me. I knew.

Others often made me feel ashamed that it did not work, that it made things worse, and that I did not plan on continuing to use them. That was wrong of them.

If there is anyone that affirmations has helped, I am happy for you. I celebrate with you the healing that affirmations have brought into your life.

They always felt like lying to me and I have always tried to have a scrupulously honest and integrity filled life, with myself, with my inners, and with my life. I always believed that the truth, no matter how hard a truth, no matter how bad things are, if acknowledged brought a light inside and a healing along with it. I’ve known so many other people who did not see the light or did not want to stand in the light with me or did not care for or about me. That is okay, I release all of them from my life. I am okay with standing in the light. I have found others who can stand the beauty of the light and who are facing their own truths as well.

Not every tool works for every person or for every kind of project, or even ever. Or even for most. We need more healing tools rather than trying to make everyone fit into the few techniques out there.

Good and healing light of truth to us all.

Body Esteem Part 2

There is an interesting book that I read about water. It has helped me to increase and heal my body esteem.

The book is Hidden Messages in Water by Dr. Masaru Emoto.  In the book he shares what experiments done on water taught him. He did experiments on water, froze the water, and then photographed the ice crystals. He discovered some interesting things.

From the product description posted at

He found that water from clear springs and water that has been exposed to loving words shows brilliant, complex, and colorful snowflake patterns. In contrast, polluted water, or water exposed to negative thoughts, forms incomplete, asymmetrical patterns with dull colors.

His experiments with paying positive attention to water, playing classical music, typing words and taping them to the water bottle facing inwards towards the water, having positve and uplifting television programs playing, all amazingly resulted in beautiful patterns in the crystals.

I read the book and looked over and over at all the beautiful pictures of crystals. I thought well humans are made up of mostly water, so what does this say about being human? It got me thinking. I thought about water a lot for some time.

I decided to do my own life experiment. I always have trouble loving myself. It is one of those survivor issues.

I decided to say words to the water before I drank it. I am no good at telling myself affirmations or positive things. It just seems to trigger self hating thoughts and beliefs and makes things worse. So I was thinking this might work. I’m not saying the words to myself, I’m saying them to the water.

If the water was feeling loved, I thought, before it came into my body, perhaps that would help increase my self love. I did not share this information with anyone.

I picked out the words that I would say. I picked love, joy, happiness, peace, healing. After about five weeks I was feeling more joy. It was an odd, odd thing to be feeling. My life was no different and yet I felt different.

I kept up the practice for a while. Then I kept forgetting. Then it was off and on sporadic efforts to continue doing this. I’m writing about this because my focusing on self-esteem and body esteem lately has been reminding me of water over and over.

I’m talking lovingly to water again. Sometimes it feels good. Sometimes it feels silly. Sometimes it feels both. Sometimes I even say hello beloved to it.

Someday I’m going to say that to myself every day and feel it and mean it.