It is often said that one of a survivor’s areas of healing is to find their “voice.” I think it is true. Finding yourself, expressing yourself, and finding and enforcing your own boundaries are all a part of finding your own voice.
But I am also using the word voice to have several meanings here. For me my voice is also how I talk and how I sing. All three kinds of voice each have a great deal of meaning to me.
I have often disliked my voice. It is too small girl of a voice. I have often heard Dr. Drew Pinsky on his old MTV talk show say that a woman with a small girl voice is a survivor of abuse. He has said that as a woman heals her voice changes to a deeper quality. I would like my voice to be stronger, to sound like an empowered woman. So I am working on healing.
I love to sing. I have written about that here and about how I wish that my singing voice was better. I do try to sing more often and try to abstain from judging and evaluating it and instead just have fun. As I heal I notice that it is becoming more enjoyable and that is great. So I am working on healing.
I would like to be more confident when expressing my opinions, beliefs, and in every area of my life. I am pretty confident when it comes to things of the mind, but I would like to be more so.
I notice more when someone is totally ignoring me, or disagreeing and trying to invalidate me, or doesn’t care about me or want to listen. I always thought that I was accurately seeing people for what they were doing, but was constantly being invalidated in my life, so I would be unsure much of the time as well.
I used to constantly feel the need to explain myself in detail, often to ridicule and judgment. I wanted others to be able to see me and in that seeing to be able to feel love and compassion towards me. I didn’t get that a lot in my life. But I still seemed to always be doing that, explaining. I’ve always done a lot of self-analyzing and so it was easy for me to try to explain to others what I was thinking, experiencing, and feeling. I realize now that I was not to blame for those who could not feel and express love and compassion towards me. It was all about them. I cannot imagine doing this to someone else. But it was often my experience.
Now I realize that I have friends who validate me and care about me and I don’t have to explain myself or anything I have done to anyone seeking love, comfort, acceptance and care. I already have that love, comfort, acceptance, and care. So for me, right now, voice is also about when to speak and when not to bother, who to make a commitment to as a friend and who not to, and that the love that I give to another is precious and it is wise to give it to those who see that. All about healing my voice. My voice is precious to me. So I am working on my connectedness to voice, in all it’s meanings to me.