I Wish This Would Get Easier

Do not re-blog this.

about ritual abuse and ritual abuse triggers

There are some things that are triggering for survivors. That’s just the way it is. In time some triggers lessen, and some don’t, and some seem to get worse.

Ritual abuse survivor are triggered by things and ways that they were abused, it is a lot like triggers for child sexual abuse, only there are a lot of extra add-on triggers. One of the ways that a ritual abuse survivor is triggered is through anniversary dates. It is common for ritual abusers to use the calendar year-round to abuse. They use Christian and pagan, as well as satanic dates and celebrations and pervert them into celebrations of abuse, dominance, control, and power.

Imbolic and Candelmas, at the beginning of February, are ritual abuse anniversary dates to me that have a lot of power and triggers in my life. This has been going on for many years and this date is more triggering for me than many other anniversary trigger dates. Actually I would like to celebrate both holidays in my own way, if only I wasn’t going through such a bad time before, during, and after.

The triggers this time of year have gotten much worse in the last few years. Or perhaps I just feel the damage and triggers more because more of the system are active in our life and they are out and about and their feelings and reactions are so tied to me that I can’t separate them. In the end, we are one person so it isn’t really that important who in the system is or is not upset and being triggered by this time of year, just that we are and it’s really really bad.

Or it was always this bad and I didn’t notice it so much for a long time, just attributed it to winter and having to be inside so much, but now I see that it is much more than just that. The last few years have been really hard around these holidays. This year I got spacey about ten days before the dates, and that is usually a sign of how serious our reactions and triggers will be around an anniversary date. And unfortunately the reactions and triggers have been bothering me for three weeks still. It’s not that much better, making it hard to really engage on the blog and write about many of the things that I wanted to start writing about.

There are lots of contributing factors for my issues at this time of year, but I think that the main underlying factor is that I am a ritual abuse survivor. Each February I notice it seems to be getting worse and realize that I probably need to do more memory work and healing in this area of my survivorhood, but then forget later cause this is too difficult a time of year to be doing that and it’s so easy to put this crap aside and not bring it up again, not look at the scariness a lot of the time. So I need to start doing that.

Other contributing factors are the winter, the cold, further limited mobility in the last two years, health issues, my back disability, lack of activities and friendships, lack of money, pain levels, less capability to bike ride, difficulty getting to the grocery store and everywhere else and all the stress that puts on me, lack of sunshine and ability to be out in nature. I hate being alone and this time of year take being alone to new heights for me.

I am sort of feeling better mentally, though really not back to normal operating conditions. I”m so glad that I didn’t get a sinus infection lately, that helps a lot, and so glad that I am doing so much better than last winter, when I re-injured myself, at the nerve endings near my tailbone area.

I’ve been doing some things that are helping make me feel better and I’m hoping to post on each of them soon. For us, it really is the small, wonderful things that bring us a lot of joy and make our life better.

A Trigger Holiday

Halloween is often a trigger holiday for survivors of ritual abuse. As a survivor of ritual abuse myself, there were many years that I was very triggered around this time of year. Over the years I’ve dealt with lots and lots of ritual abuse survivor triggers. It’s not something I post about very often on the blog, but it is a part of my daily life, daily coping, and daily healing. It’s hard to find the words.

I’ve been very blocked for over a year about many things that I want to write about on this blog. I think that I used to write better, more thoughtfully crafted blog posts. Admitting to these issues here are a part of healing from it, slowly making it better through sharing and in sharing finding a measure of healing just from the sharing.

In trying to overcome these blockages I’ve decided that writing is more important than always crafting a good sentence, though I’m sure that I haven’t always written perfectly. Perfectionism is an issue that has plagued me all my life. Since it can never be achieved, though it always convinces it’s victim that it should be achieved, it is a real double-bind, Catch-22, and blockage to achieving almost everything in life.

I’ve found some success in fighting the grip of perfectionism. I have given myself permission to be imperfect. 🙂 Some areas of my life, I’ve found, are easier to be imperfect in. I’ll try to post more about that process in the near future.

I am trying to find the words, the sentences, the paragraphs. If the words and sentences are at times stilted I believe that others will understand, the topics are so difficult for me and I am buried underneath a mountain of blockages. I am trying to overcome that by just writing. I believe that I will find the words, as I struggle, as I continue to post more often. I will write the words.

Being a ritual abuse survivor is difficult and problematic most of the time. Ritual abuse creates a lot of hyper phobias, ones that most people cannot relate to and cannot understand or think are normal aversions or phobias or choose not to understand. There is a lot of stigma, denial, and disbelief around the reality of ritual abuse. I hope that in some small way, by being a ritual abuse survivor and blogger, who acknowledges my history of abuse and healing, can help battle back the stigma, denial, and disbelief.

We all deserve to have a life that is our own. We all deserve to be safe and free from abuse. We all deserve the help, love, and support necessary in order to heal. We all deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. We all deserve to be believed.

I wanted to do a post for today with some healing links:

Ritual Abuse Healing Resources

Healing Resources Pages

Grounding/Coping Skills

Self-Soothe/Comfort Skills

Good and healing thoughts to us all this holiday and through the coming year.

A Trigger and a Flashback

I know that I’ve written often in the past on the blog about how hard it is to be kind and gentle to my body while doing self-care. I figured out a while ago why specifically that was an issue for me, but I needed a lot of time to process about it alone, so I haven’t written about it here until now.

I had noticed some time ago that I have difficulty handling my body gently and kindly. I tend to have a very utilitarian approach to it. I realized that what I was communicating and feeling was that I had little compassion or love to myself. I often try to do things very quickly and feel very frustrated at my body and at how much pain it is in and at how tight my whole body is.

I decided to try to be very gentle in the shower. I love very warm showers and water is my special element, so I thought this might be a good area of self-care for me to work at this gentleness issue.

I did it once and got a flashback immediately. This was very disturbing. I did it again and got another flashback. I’m sure that you can understand how upsetting this was for me. I stopped doing it and thought about this over some period of time.

What I figured out was that my mother, at times, would touch me gently,  and that was a trigger and when I did it to myself I was triggering flashbacks of her abusing me. I decided to slowly start treating myself and my body more gently when in the shower and see how that went. What I have discovered is that, a little less brisk and a little less disconnected from what I am doing and how it is feeling and how I am treating my body and what that is communicating to my body and my system is not triggering me. That is great news. I am treating myself better and avoiding a trigger and avoiding the accompanying flashbacks.

I wanted to share about this issue here because I want everyone to realize that we all have these issues where we are rushed and brisk with our bodies and where we blame our bodies or ourselves rather than understanding that even those of us with the best of childhoods can be programmed into being dismissive, insulting, devaluing, and disconnected from their bodies and that bringing that programming to conscious awareness is important and healing. What we do with that awareness can be life-changing. Even the little things. Even the little moments. Good and healing thoughts to you all.

Survivor Quotes 60

“Triggers never make us think of the truths about ourselves, only the lies.”

~ Kate

Kate is Rising

The Best Part of a Bad Trigger Date

The best part of a bad trigger date is when it is over. It’s almost over. I’m happy to say that it was not a horrible day. It just made for a stressful and tiring week.

As a special treat doggie and I went on the bike over to the Dairy Queen and we had some ice cream. She loved it. She gobbled it up off my fingers. She was so cute to watch.

Now I have some extra treats for myself when I am up for it, the buffet and another new movie. 🙂