Self Love

I told myself today:

“I love you today. No matter what happens, no matter what you do or can’t do, I will love you.”

I cried because, I knew, this is true, after so long, I have really overcome the hateful programming of abusers and healed from so much. I cried because it is so sweet to know that I have me to count on.

I’m not going to make a list in my mind of how far I still have to go or evaluating myself in a new more judgmental way, like I have always done; diminishing how far I have gone and how much healing I have done. Right now I’ll just sit in my sweet spot.

A Trigger and a Flashback

I know that I’ve written often in the past on the blog about how hard it is to be kind and gentle to my body while doing self-care. I figured out a while ago why specifically that was an issue for me, but I needed a lot of time to process about it alone, so I haven’t written about it here until now.

I had noticed some time ago that I have difficulty handling my body gently and kindly. I tend to have a very utilitarian approach to it. I realized that what I was communicating and feeling was that I had little compassion or love to myself. I often try to do things very quickly and feel very frustrated at my body and at how much pain it is in and at how tight my whole body is.

I decided to try to be very gentle in the shower. I love very warm showers and water is my special element, so I thought this might be a good area of self-care for me to work at this gentleness issue.

I did it once and got a flashback immediately. This was very disturbing. I did it again and got another flashback. I’m sure that you can understand how upsetting this was for me. I stopped doing it and thought about this over some period of time.

What I figured out was that my mother, at times, would touch me gently,  and that was a trigger and when I did it to myself I was triggering flashbacks of her abusing me. I decided to slowly start treating myself and my body more gently when in the shower and see how that went. What I have discovered is that, a little less brisk and a little less disconnected from what I am doing and how it is feeling and how I am treating my body and what that is communicating to my body and my system is not triggering me. That is great news. I am treating myself better and avoiding a trigger and avoiding the accompanying flashbacks.

I wanted to share about this issue here because I want everyone to realize that we all have these issues where we are rushed and brisk with our bodies and where we blame our bodies or ourselves rather than understanding that even those of us with the best of childhoods can be programmed into being dismissive, insulting, devaluing, and disconnected from their bodies and that bringing that programming to conscious awareness is important and healing. What we do with that awareness can be life-changing. Even the little things. Even the little moments. Good and healing thoughts to you all.

Support Group Advice

This week I went to a support group. It is a wonderful group and I attended before I moved to my little apartment.

One piece of advice, when it came to the topic of self-care, was when you have an infection cut the ends off of an onion and peel the outer layers off, put it on a plate or something protective and put it in the room you will be sleeping in. The onion will supposedly absorb the infection. Well, I was pretty skeptical, but I had heard that you should never eat an onion that has been sitting in the fridge, but throw out any leftover pieces after you cook each time, because of the same reason.

Thursday I was so sick I didn’t even bother to get out of bed. I had a terrible throbbing headache and what I believed was a true sinus infection once again. I had to get out of bed to get medication and aspirins, and remembered to buy a couple of large onions. Let me just say that I did it and I really think it works. I woke up today feeling so much better than yesterday and haven’t even had to take any aspirins so far. If only I had tried this all day Thursday. I am going to do it again tonight.

Good and healing thoughts to you all.

A Sea Change in Attachments

I think that having someone in your life is such a huge part of the impetus for healing in my life, well to me it is “the” thing. I think when you’ve never been filled by the love of someone else or ever been confident of any attachments it is amazingly hard to cope. I remember from a child knowing that there was a giant black hole inside of me and how long that was a part of my life. I remember in the mid-twenties when I started healing and how several years into healing when the black hole just disappeared. I never thought that would happen. I never knew that would happen. For once in my life I thought that I could finally be filled up.

It took many years of trial and error to find a space of feeling filled up inside.

When I would be triggered and upset it took time for me, talking to someone, sometimes a friend, sometimes someone online, sometimes someone on a hotline, to get that filled up feeling, to be heard and validated, to feel calm again. When it started happening and I found that I could indeed calm down again I was shocked too. I never thought that would happen. No one ever told me that would happen and I never read about it in books either. Other survivors did not tell me about it.

Clarity has always been something that I have had problems keeping when interacting with others, especially those who are being hurtful or abusive to me. But what was new and what was important to me to see was that I kept clarity about who I was. Others have always made me lose who I was while I was being abused, especially when being emotionally and verbally abused. My mother did that a lot and I find that when others have done it I often lose myself in the middle of the disagreement.

Learning new coping skills, new self-care skills, and new self-esteem helped get me further along that healing road as well. Working on connectedness and calm and assertive energy were other components in attachment. All of this stuff seems like huge steps in healing for me. But they are nothing to the healing work that I seem to be working on right now.

The huge thing for me has been to finally work on my hardest lessons; to attach to me, to ourselves, to our spiritual guides, to nature, to the universe, to other areas of connectedness, and for these attachments to be my primary attachments. Other people have always been my focus, even when I was able to work on that, other parts in our system have still put other people first in importance. I have tried a lot to get them to understand, but under the surface I was still putting other people, in a body, in a position of more importance than our system and that was the example that they had. Even when I did a pretty good job of healing in this area, I was not having much of a positive effect for change for the system.

What has been surprising recently is that I have been working on this issue for some time, without my even realizing it.

I’ve always been able to value myself some of the time and eventually with lots of healing work and time I’ve expanded the amount of time I can do so more and more. Now I am finally learning how to value myself all the time, not just when someone else is being loving and good and kind to me. And when they can’t be I know who to blame, I blame them for being wrong. I’m totally willing to have the normal give and take of a relationship, but I am not willing to tolerate extended abusive interactions.

The most obvious proof came when I was willing to let go of my friend of eight years when she was being abusive to me. I remember the feelings and thoughts I was having the whole time when we were having interactions. I remember I was willing to discuss, negotiate, apologize, reconcile. I remember that I had clarity on what was happening, on who I am, and how much I value myself. I recall it’s been a very long time since someone treated me so badly. I remember she kept crossing a line and how I had a definite boundary on how much I was willing to tolerate when it came to abusiveness. I remember how willing and able I was at taking care of myself.

Being connected to myself, ourselves, and other areas of connectedness has helped shift the universe for me. It is taking time, but it is obvious a sea change has started. Loving and valuing myself is becoming my meals, my nourishment, my nurturing, the way that I feed myself/ourselves. Being involved with others is becoming my dessert, and we all know how much I love chocolate. 🙂

Healing Quotes 357

“You are a perfectly acceptable human being right now, this minute. You are just as valid as any other human being, without changing a single thing about yourself. That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to want to grow, evolve or improve yourself, or you can’t do better sometimes, it just means right now this instant, you are worthy of your own self love. Even if it is hard to love yourself sometimes (and boy, is it!), or you’re struggling with some really difficult stuff in your life, you still deserve it.”

~ Fat Heffalump

Healing Quotes 351

“Taking care of yourself is so important. So many survivors forget how because of the trauma they’ve endured.”

~ Marie Waldrep

A Ten Dollar Off Coupon

A few weeks ago I got a mailing from a store that is in the nearest mall. It was one of those annoying and inappropriate boundary violations that you get in the mail after you move. Since I’ve done a lot of moving in the last four years I’ve gotten lots of offers to buy a cell phone, none of which are a good price. The only place I was notifying with my address was the post office. How the heck is someone else getting the information, are they selling it to companies?! This started out annoying and now it is just making me mad.

Until I opened this mailing to find a ten dollar off coupon if I spend more than ten dollars. I’m not as mad, but I still don’t want another mailing saying hi welcome to the neighborhood, buy this.

Here is what I got with the coupon:

Shower Gel, Bubble Bath, Bath Crystals, and Moisturizing Body Butter.

More Antibiotic

I’m almost through my second dosing of antibiotic.

On Monday I felt much worse again. By Wednesday I was trying to get into the doctor. On Thursday I finally got my medication and tomorrow is my last dose for the five day dosing antibiotic that I have. It is supposed to stay in your body for another five days and continue working on healing.

I don’t normally get sinus infections. Someone infected me. They knew they were sick, but they didn’t stay home. That is the thing about living in a house with someone else, they get sick and their family and friends get sick and they don’t care about infecting others.

I was just getting better when I got sick again. I think I should have gone around the house and disinfected all the doorknobs, stair rail, etc, so I don’t get it a third time.

I’ll be glad when I am living alone once again, probably in six months. It will stop a huge transmission of disease. For that is a huge thing for me, with my compromised ability to fight off disease.

I’m trying to learn from this being sick process. I want to do better at taking care of myself and I want to be healthier. Even if I don’t see an improvement I want to continue with my efforts. I see improvements, but being sick brings me back a few steps and that is a challenge to cope with.

Being disconnected from my body and dissociative means that I have big issues around health and doing good self-care on health issues, made worse by the huge swings in my health and wellness. Being sick recently has been an opportunity for me to slowly teach myself how to figure out my health and limitations levels as they change and to work on acknowledging them, accepting them, and living within them while improving them with tender loving care.  

Tender loving care… an idea that is taking root in me.

Healing Quotes 287

I have found that I can only give from what I have. My own “bucket” must be full to be able to “dip in” and share with others. If I am “empty”, there is nothing to give. So being good to yourself is a way of being good to others.

Granny, blogger of The Village Granny, commenting on my post Healing Quotes Littles 58.

Something About Rechargeable Batteries

About 18 months ago I bought a small battery recharger with some rechargeable batteries. About ten months ago they stopped recharging. I kept meaning to go and buy some more. But when I would get to the store, they wanted too much money for them, as far as I was concerned, so I would walk away and not buy them. The store that charged less was a long ways away by bike, then it was too cold to bike, then I wasn’t well enough to bike so far.

I tend to do this a lot about buying things that I think I need. I pretty much put off spending money for something. So I spend my money and still don’t have the things that I think I need. This has been going on for a long time.

This issue has become a self-care issue. I want to take better care of myself and my needs. It seems like a small thing, but it took a lot of effort to do and my actions bring a lot of goodness into my life.  I love listening to music.

I was looking online at the sale ad this week at Target. And they were on sale, so I went there yesterday and bought some, among other things. Now I can listen to some music when at the library and when sitting outside while reading a book. I’ve missed it. Sometimes self-care is so sweet.