My Mothers 1

This post discusses my birth mother’s attempts to terminate me while I was in the womb. Please do not repost this somewhere else.

I suppose it would be most accurate to say that God was my first mother, dating from when I was still in the womb. I believe that I would not have been born, if not for some fierce intervention by God,  on my behalf.

She didn’t want me. She didn’t want anymore children. So I suppose it was easy for me to know that I was not wanted by her, by her attitudes, her abuse, and her words, that she hated and loathed me and wished me dead. Actually she had attempted to kill me while I still lived inside her body. So it has always been easy for me to know that she did not love me and to realize that I needed to find what I needed from someone else than her.

While still in the womb, my female parent attempted to abort me several times by physical assaulting me. I remembered that in several flashbacks. But really it was as if my body had always remembered it.

It was weird in that a few weeks before that I had remembered in a flashback of  her doing the same thing when I was three, and she was pregnant with a sibling of mine. I didn’t understand what was happening when I was three, but when I remembered, it was fairly obvious what she was doing, she was bending over, and holding her stomach a certain way and with her other hand hitting stomach over and over. As an adult getting the flashback it seemed very obvious to me what she was doing, attempting to cause enough damage to the fetus to make it abort.

When I was born the doctors had physical health concerns about me. The umbilical cord had become wrapped around me and had been impeding my healthy and free growth the last few months of my growth inside the womb. They were concerned if I would ever be able to walk. However within a few days I was able to move my limbs more freely and they had a lot of confidence that I was progressing in the right direction of being able to be walk and conduct my life without a wheelchair. Though I still see a lot of my health issues stemming from the hostile womb I endured.

When I would ask her about this and how this could have happened she would always say, somehow you got yourself wrapped around the umbilical cord, like it was my fault. More accurately I believe that her assaults on her baby fetus caused me to thrash and flail and eventually this caused the cord to impede my healthy growth while in the womb.

I have clear memories as a young child of trying to get her attention, affection, even hugs and holding, but those occurred when other people were present and she could not be easily physically or sexually abusive. By focusing on her in a way that was obvious to her, it stopped her from being jealous, and yes she was that kind of mother/woman, and gave her an easy opportunity to reject me with the façade of letting someone else hold me, etc.

I read her like a book. I was that smart, manipulative, and observant. I’m not saying this to demean myself. I don’t think that any two or three year old should have to be that calculating in order to get love and affection free from sexual and physical abuse. In all of that time, in all of the memories that I do have, I never remember her sincerely loving me or me believing in her love, or in working to make her love me. I remember me/us taking care of ourselves in order we had love and affection and bonding with others in order for us to get what we needed.

I think that God was with me in the womb, protecting me and keeping me safe. I think of God as my first mother. It helps some of the hurt of not being loved, cared for and about, and wanted by an actual physical mother. It also perhaps helps explain why I clung to the concept of God as mother, father, and son in a Christian concept and how nothing has shaken my belief in that all of my life.

When you are wanted by God and loved by God, well that takes away a lot of the pain and helps heal a lot too that not being wanted by a birth mother causes. But mostly I think that I believe of God as my first mother because it is the truth, a truth that I knew early on in my existence and one that has sustained and healed me. After all when you are brought into existence and God fights for you, and you have to be fierce and fight for your right to survive, be born, and to exist, well it makes you pretty fierce, and it makes your God pretty fierce too. God the mother, my first mother.

My Mothers

I know that I’ve written about some of the healing work I have been doing for some time on the blog about My Fathers, a special group of characters from literature, film, and television. I wrote and posted about some in particular last year and still have some more that I was to post about this year.

What really shocked me last year was to discover that unconsciously there were several mothers that I had sort of adopted over many years.

Suffice it to say that I do have terror about my attachments to women and might still have them for the rest  of my life. It really got going two and a half years ago when I met my advocate person at the shelter, who I firmly and stubbornly attached to from our first meeting as my mother. Terror is the most accurate word to describe how that feels. My love and attachment for her comes from a very small self inside us. It feels very much like being a baby, and yet at the same time I try very hard to be a reasoning rational adult at the same time when interacting with her. It is hard.

I know that I have written about that before on the blog, and probably will some more as I work on this issue; attaching to real women as a mother figure after surviving mother-daughter sexual abuse.

Actually the first one was a mother that I formed an attachment to when I was still an infant, under the age of one, though at the moment of attachment I formed it with a real live human mother, but replaced that with an idealized goddess mother. I’ll write more about that on the blog in the near future. I guess I think it is a wonderful thing to have a mother goddess and really I have had one almost all of my life, so it seems absolutely normal to me It was quite a shock to discover her firmly entrenched in my heart and in the hearts of many inners, when I re-discovered her during my healing process.

I discovered this attachment some time ago, but didn’t really think that there were any other “mothers” that I could form an attachment to. But the truth was something else entirely.

These attachments, to both mothers and fathers, have helped me to heal, to attach in some way to someone that was necessary for my life to go on in the right direction when I was still very tiny, and to believe in basic human goodness when I had no outside proof, except in my own self and own heart. As much as my attachments leave me with shaking legs and a faint heart; I have to admit I am so glad that we were brave enough to form them and to have them.

I/we had formed secret attachments to secret mothers for some time, and I think it was much easier that way because I didn’t have to admit it, or feel about it, or feel any of the terror that those conscious thoughts and choices would have done. 🙂 I’ll be writing about that process more on the blog this year, it is one of my 2016 goals.


Do more healing work and posts on characters that I have formed a father attachment with.

Do more healing work and posts on characters that I have formed a mother attachment with.