Dissociative Identity Disorder, DID, what used to be known as Multiple Personality Disorder, MPD, is a way that a child survives traumatic, severe, and sustained child sexual abuse and trauma. The undeveloped personality splits into two or more pieces.
It is estimated that one out of a hundred people in our society has DID. I am one of those 1% of the population.
I would like to say that in this day and age, with all that is known about child sexual abuse, its consequences, and aftereffects, that the reality of DID is well known and understood. It isn’t.
I would like to say that those who work in the field of mental health believed in DID, understood it, and were only compassionate, supportive, and knowledgable on that topic, They aren’t.
I would like to say that as a society we have progressed and overcome the so-called stigma previously attached to mental health issues. But we aren’t.
I would like to say that my family understands the abuses that I/we went through and they are here in my life, supporting us and loving us no matter what. They don’t. They are a product of the abusive nuclear family I survived. Some try and for that I am grateful.
I would like to say that I can talk about it with friends. I really don’t have any in-person friends. Everyone I tell is gone in 20 seconds.
I don’t expect my friends to be my therapists. The ones who ran away, I don’t know why. They didn’t stick around long enough to tell me why. They didn’t tell me that they thought I was contagious, or rude, or self-centered, or unbalanced, or unstable, or dangerous, or expecting more from them than they wanted to give, or just spoiling their fun. I don’t know. They didn’t say anything. They didn’t stay around long enough to say anything. They just disppeared.
I would like to say that I have lots of online friends who understand, who we can talk to and share about our personal experience of life and being multiple. I can’t.
I have online friends. I just don’t feel comfortable sharing or speaking to them about it much. It is hard. The weight of society presses down on me, their denial, their stigma, and I know how easy it is to lose another friend. I have lots of examples of that. So I am very sensitive and scared about sharing and not getting replies. I have lots of examples of that.
I would like to say that online people are always respectful. They aren’t. They can be invasive and treat you like you are a therapist or a professor or a book of knowledge. I’m not. That’s not my job.
I don’t know if someone is multiple and they shouldn’t be asking me. The answer is I don’t know. Only a therapist is qualified and trained to explore that.
I like to give support and information. I like to be knowledgeable about healing. I like to interact with other survivors.
I’m a survivor. I’m multiple. I’m healing. Those are my jobs.
It is hard to find the words to articulate something I never was able to discuss before without someone running away. I’m trying.