My New Private Blog

I wanted to let everyone know that I have created a new private blog for posting on being Dissociative Identity Disorder. I’m going through all of the information that I have on emails and blogs and hopefully I am not neglecting to send an invitation to any of my blog friends. Some invitations were sent through wordpress and some were sent through email.

But if I don’t have your email, or can’t find it right now, I might not have sent you an invitation. If you want to leave me a comment here or by email, saying you didn’t get an invitation and want one, let me know.

If you comment on this blog, you should have gotten an invitation. One person found theirs in their spam filter. I hope the rest of you got yours.

If you got an invitation and don’t have the time or want to be active there, no worries, feel free to decline.

Apparently I am Not a Real Multiple

I was told that some time ago, but I have to admit it still stings, it still burns, it still hurts when this kind of talk comes up again. So when the topic comes up again, let me just say I get a little irate.

First let me say that not having a diagnosis of DID does not mean that you are not multiple. I went through years of therapy before my diagnosis. Neither does not having lots of doctors or therapists believe in you, know about your case, and confirm your diagnosis mean that you are or aren’t multiple.

Being multiple is as much a fact of life as the color of my hair and eyes, the current shape of my nose, and my current favorite dancer on Dancing with the Stars. I like being believed, but someone not believing in me doesn’t make me any less real or eliminate any of the childhood pain and abuse, effects, and aftermath from child sexual abuse.

Many years ago I got up enough courage to join a facilitated support group for ritual abuse survivors. All of the members were multiples. I explained to the group in one of the first sessions that I was co-conscious for the most part, though not integrated. I didn’t think to be anything but proud of that.

At that time I had only disclosed being multiple to my therapist and this group. I had gone through a few bad years accepting that I was multiple and that many factions of society did not believe in me. I will have to say it was a very sharp pain back then.

The stigma against DID was bad and even though there was more information about multiples out there in the general public and in the therapy and research fields I was acutely aware how innaccurate we were perceived by others.

A few weeks later one of the other members came up to me and said, I told my therapist about you. I told her I don’t believe you are real. You aren’t a multiple anymore if you are co-conscious.

I don’t think I said anything in response, sort of struck silent. She was a nice sort of person, really. Except for the fact that she refused to accept my reality and my multiplicity. Which I guess you can’t really divorce from her other actions and beliefs. I don’t get to divide her up into little pieces and say what I like and accept about her and keep that and throw away the rest. Her relative abusers had already done that to her. But she felt that she was entitled to do that to me.

I don’t know why she felt the need to say that to me. I just knew that this was not someone I could be friends with or trust with my heart. This was someone who would not want to be friends with me.

It didn’t stop me from being real. The wound was also real, and deep. I thought that at least there I would be accepted for who I was, a survivor, and didn’t feel a need to explain or mold my reality to suit others. Several decades later and I feel even less desire to give up me to be accepted by anyone, even someone that I love. This is it. This is me.

I don’t understand someone who is not multiple would want to pose as one for attention due to their own mental health issues. I have heard about that online, but am not sure if I have experienced that or not.

I really don’t see how a multiple could or would want to accuse another person of not being a real multiple.  I’ve read about this kind of drivel going around the blogs recently. I am sickened and appalled. I wonder at the need to judge and demean others. I wonder at how little compassion and basic human kindness someone would have to have in order to conduct themselves in this manner.

Multiples come in all shapes and sizes and are at different ages, stages, and healings in their lives. Only a professional is competent and trained to diagnose and certainly no one but them can. No one has the right to decide whether I am real or not. No one has a right to compare me to another multiple or themselves and to decide what is real and what is not, not then and not now. I am real.

Apparently I Have An Invisible Disorder

Alcoholism is recognized by the government in a disability claim, but DID is not allowed. I know someone who got disability due to alcholism. But when I put DID on my form, along with all the other delibilitating issues I was dealing with, the form came back to me typed out ommiting DID. The letter wrote that I should sign the form and mail it back.

I had been told by other survivors that it would not be allowed as a disability. I wrote down PTSD on the form as well, and that was included on the returned form. Apparently my dissociation issue was so bad, it just didn’t exist any longer. Who’d a thunk it.

I just didn’t realize they would make it invisible and make my disorder disappear. I didn’t know that they would refuse to write it down on the typed form. So what if they didn’t accept it as a disability, which is bullshit. It should be on the form, everything else I was dealing with was on the form, whether or not it could be a final determining factor in my being qualified to being on disability or not.

I brought it up with my meeting with the psychiatrist who evaluated me. He did not answer my question about why it was not on the form. Instead he asked me how do you see that (being multiple, DID)? I told him. He moved on to the next question. He was interested, I could tell. But he was working those thirty mintues for the government and they don’t see me or what I was dealing with. To them, I have an invisible disorder.

Must be nice to be able to do that. I just don’t feel healed.

Dissociative Identity Disorder

Survivor Resource Pages (Forty pages of resources, non-profit organizations, articles, and healing support for survivors of child sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault, domestic violence, and dealing with the aftermath of child sexual abuse.)

Healing from Sexual Abuse Links

Short First-Person DID 101:

Discovering Serenity’s

Us Page

Discovering Serenity’s How It Feels to Be DID

Discovering Serenity’s

Living With DID

DID and Me

What is it like to be me? – I am DID

Who am I? (Questions of Identity in Dissociative Identity Disorder)

Third of a Lifetime’s Dissociation Blog List:

Dissociation Blog Showcase

Ann’s Blog List (Scroll down onto the right hand side of Ann’s blog to see her Blogroll of DID bloggers who have blogged in the last year):

Ann’s DID Blogroll 


Mosaic Minds

Links Page:

Reading Room

Website and Newsletter: Many Voices

Professional Responses:

What is a Dissociative Disorder?

DID Frequently Asked Questions

Basic Information on DID/MPD

An Introduction to Dissociation and DID

FAQ Dissociation and Dissociative Identity Disoder

Introducing DID

Understanding Dissociative Disorders

DID: An Expert Debunks Multiple Images in Movies

Article Series:

Dissociative Identity Disorder

HBO Online TV Series:

Multiple Personalities

Sidran Institute

International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation

Diagnosis Criteria for Dissociative Disorders

Dissociative Identity Disorder Symptoms

How Common are Dissociative Disorders

How Common is DID?

Where Can I Go for Help?

Working within the System:

Crafts for Littles Projects

Fun Links for Littles

Littles Fun Links

Nurturing Your Inner Child

Types of Family Members

DID/MPD: Working Within the Multiple System

Chat Transcript:

Dissociative Identity Disoder

Resources for Loved Ones of Multiples:

For Partners and Supporters of Survivors Resources

Blog: Loving Someone with DID

My Experience as a Partner with a Dissociative Disorder

For Better or Worse: Life as the Partner of a Dissociative Survivor

The Road Less Travelled Part One: How to Support Your DID Partner (Part 1)

The Road Less Travelled Part One: How to Support Your DID Partner (Part 2)

Don’t do it!” – A Partner’s Perspective on Self-harm and Suicidality

When the One You Love is MPD/DID

Partners of Dissociative Survivors

The Significant Other’s Guide to Dissociative Identity Disorder

Help! My Friend Has DID. How Can I Help?

(Websites by Survivors who are DID:

Silent Symphony

Rivers Rages

Seeing Through Multiple Eyes

You Hurt My Hurt


MPD/DID A Legitimate Diagnosis

Bits and Pieces of DID

Soaring Stars/Tattered Hearts

Dissociated Survivor

Gabriella Speaks

Glass Houses

Labyrinth of People

Stephanie’s Safe Haven

Split Angels

Angel World

Website Articles no longer online that I have copies of. Let me know if you would like any of them emailed to you: Articles:

Beginning Your Healing Journey,  A Simple Story Explanation, Goals and Methods in DID Therapy, What to Do When Your Therapist Says, “I Don’t Believe in DID,” The Power of Creativity in the Healing Process, The Role of Expressive Activities in Healing, Recovery and Growth, Validation and Family; and Validation Makes a Difference.


Coming Out Multiple by Bob King

Multiplicity, Abuse and Healing ( Articles:

Learning about Dissociation, Dissociation and Stages of Development, Using Your Dissociation Skills in Healing, On Being a Proper Multiple, Association: The Key to Recovery, Helping Your System Find or Make Safe Places, Switching, Switching Early Warning Signs, Poly-fragmented Multiplicity, Mapping Your System, MPD and Imagery, MPD and Journaling, Suggestions for Healing,

Multiple Myths Part 1

Myth: Multiples don’t exist.

I had been thinking about how hard it is to say what being multiple is. Today I was reflecting on how much easier it is to say what multiples are not. So I thought I would start writing about what we aren’t.

Multiples are real. We exist. We are real people. We have real problems. Most of us were abused. We live our lives. We are like other people, with extras. And we are real. We exist.

For a time I was an assistant manager at a video store. I remember very clearly the conversation I had with a wonderful young man who worked there. He was a freshman in college and for some odd reason was taking abnormal psychology already. He was quite animated when he explained to me how Dissociative Identity Disorder did not really exist.

I can’t remember that he explained how that could be possible. He hadn’t retained enough of what his professor had said to explain his reasoning in detail. However I wasn’t going to listen. I interrupted him and said that multiples do exist.

I told him that I was a survivor of abuse, I had been in a number of women’s support groups, and had met and knew a number of people who were multiple. His eyes glazed over a bit while I explained about multiplicity, how his professor was wrong, and how multiples deserve being validated, believed in,  to be given compassion and support in their healings and lives.

At the end he still had that look in his eye. That he believed in his professor and not me, not what I said, not in multiples. He was too polite to say it, but I saw it, and to look at me like that was just cruel. He didn’t realize it, but he was telling me that I didn’t exist. Yeah we exist. I exist.

We deserve better than lies, untruths, myths, and denial from society. We deserve better.

Media’s Take on D.I.D. Part 1

Or one more time, how they get it wrong.

I was online last night trying to catch up on some shows that have returned this fall. With everything going on with the move, I am still behind on so many things that I am watching some shows online after their airdates. One new show last season showed a lot of promise, Lie to Me. It is about a deception expert and his agency and some of the cases that they work on. It is interesting.

This post is about the specifics of the first episode of the second season, The Core of It, so if you want to see it and don’t want to know the specifics of the episode you shouldn’t read any further. Here is a link if you want to see the episode:

The main character is far from honest, straight-forward, ethical. That concerns me. It showed up really badly in the season opener, a D.I.D. episode. I suppose they were hoping to exploit multiples like every show that has felt the need to do a requisite episode on a multiple serial killer or faker. They should have used an expert consultant on this episode and if they did, they need to get their money back and hire someone else next time.

A young woman shows up at a book signing to confess that she is a psychic and she witnessed a murder through a vision. The deception guy knows she is telling the truth. The fact is he only knows that she thinks she is telling the truth.

He and his staff quickly learn that she is multiple. Some “alters” come out to play and they feel perfectly free to hypnotize her. One of them, a sickly goody-two shoes type mentions another person’s name who told her she was the core of the person, who sounds like a therapist, but they never pursue that or try to get permission to do the things they are doing to them.

They learn quite easily a number of parts and their names. They learn of the grandfather’s sexual abuse, the genesis of the multiplicity. Really? Fucking really? This may take several therapists and over ten years to get a diagnosis and to the root of the problem, but you jerks manage it in a few precious minutes?

He even feels free to lock her in a room and attack her with the threat of rape in order to get her to switch to a protector, who was the witness of the murder.

Then she switches and the protector comes out. His partner in the business shouts a warning, alters are one-dimensional. If I wasn’t so insulted we would have laughed ourselves silly. How ludicrous. Yes some alters can be. No they aren’t one-dimensional, even those who have only been subjected to abuse and do not come out into the world much or at all. No we are not some cartoon characters. We are pieces of a shattered person, a shattered soul.

Just because the protector could not speak does not make him one-dimensional. You just insulted every able challenged person who cannot speak. No they are not one-dimensional because they cannot speak. And because he could not speak does not make him one-dimensional.

And what is it with the concept of having one part being the only victim and the only protector? Really? I don’t know any system where only one part is the abuse victim exclusively, even in a smaller size system. I don’t know many victimized parts that later become a protector. Though I’m sure it happens. My victimized parts are still too scared of the abusers to say much, let alone fight back with fists when assaulted, verbally abused and threatened with rape;  like this part does on the show.

And really a part who is a prostitute who commits crimes by stealing from johns? Please get fucking serious. Multiples do not commit crimes in a higher percentage than the general public.

Then to use her in a police operation to try to entrap the killer into making a confession. Really? To get her “power” back? Really? You have got to be fucking kidding me. You don’t think that everything you did with the system was disempowering, using, abusing, a breach of ethics, illegal? Really?  I thought I was watching Lie to Me not Insult to Me.

Fun Stuff. You Know… For the Kids.

So, I don’t have enough fun. I am very bad at making sure that I do fun stuff. Usually time and daily life seems to overwhelm me and the day is gone. I am trying to change that. I am trying to do things that I enjoy. And to find time to put them into my daily life.

My Littles sadly get less than they deserve when it comes to the fun stuff that I do. I love coffeeshops, reading, and very boring things, like English period piece movies. Well, to me they are not boring. I am trying. But I am just horribly pathetic in my efforts.

Play is healing. It might seem like a waste of time, but it isn’t. I know that and yet I have so much trouble letting myself go and enjoying silly things. I think it is worse for me because I am multiple and should really let my littles out to play consistently and whole-heartedly.

So I added a new link section here at my blog, called Fun Stuff. You know… for the kids. I picked out some sites to put there as links. I checked out each site again. I have been to each of them, though not played at each of them. Some of them are on things that I have always liked, paperdolls and crafts. I threw in some other stuff that I like too.

Putting the links here is a way to remind myself to click on them and do things that are fun for the kids. I hope that everyone who stops here to read my blog can check them out and see if there is something that they might like. And search for some more sites where you like to play. Because we all need and deserve to let our inner kid(s) out to play. You know… for the healing.

The New Normal

The new normal. This is what I call living with the aftermath of being a child sexual abuse survivor. What is normal for me may not be normal for anyone else.

It definitely is not normal for those who have not been sexually abused as a child. The differences seem stark and I feel more stigmitized by the chasm between us. So I call my life, my existence, the new normal. The new normal based on what I experienced as an abused child.

I have a lot of fears. I have a lot of triggers. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The have terrors in the night. I can’t sleep. I can’t think. I can’t work. I have a lot of rage and no where to put it. So I have to carry it around in my body and that makes for more stress, more aftereffects, more pain.  

I have chronic pain. I have a diagnosis of fibromyalgia, which is like saying well we are too lazy to find out what else it might be so we will give you this, cause we have let you be in pain for twenty years and we haven’t a clue.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. So I am in parts. And how we perceive and think and move through the world that may not be normal to most, but it is my normal. It has been my normal for almost all my life.

So normalizing my current and past experiences is a way of stopping some of the stigma and shame and blame that all survivors go through.

It is not my fault that someone used me sexually when I was just an infant and beyond. But I feel responsible. It is not my shame, it is their shame who abused me, but I feel it.  

I’m re-branding. This is the new normal for my life. For me. For my self-esteem. For my own level of happiness. For my healing work. For myself and for us.

So I look at me/us and say now that is one brave and courageous survivor. That is someone who is struggling against so much. She has a lot to be proud of and I am very proud of her/them.

Being Multiple or How to Lose a Friend in 20 Seconds

Dissociative Identity Disorder, DID, what used to be known as Multiple Personality Disorder, MPD, is a way that a child survives traumatic, severe, and sustained child sexual abuse and trauma. The undeveloped personality splits into two or more pieces.

It is estimated that one out of a hundred people in our society has DID.  I am one of those 1% of the population.

I would like to say that in this day and age, with all that is known about child sexual abuse, its consequences, and aftereffects, that the reality of DID is well known and understood. It isn’t.

I would like to say that those who work in the field of mental health believed in DID, understood it, and were only compassionate, supportive, and knowledgable on that topic, They aren’t.

I would like to say that as a society we have progressed and overcome the so-called stigma previously attached to mental health issues. But we aren’t.

I would like to say that my family understands the abuses that I/we went through and they are here in my life, supporting us and loving us no matter what. They don’t. They are a product of the abusive nuclear family I survived. Some try and for that I am grateful.

I would like to say that I can talk about it with friends. I really don’t have any in-person friends. Everyone I tell is gone in 20 seconds.

I don’t expect my friends to be my therapists. The ones who ran away, I don’t know why. They didn’t stick around long enough to tell me why. They didn’t tell me that they thought I was contagious, or rude, or self-centered, or unbalanced, or unstable, or dangerous, or expecting more from them than they wanted to give, or just spoiling their fun. I don’t know. They didn’t say anything. They didn’t stay around long enough to say anything. They just disppeared.

I would like to say that I have lots of online friends who understand, who we can talk to and share about our personal experience of life and being multiple. I can’t.

I have online friends. I just don’t feel comfortable sharing or speaking to them about it much. It is hard. The weight of society presses down on me, their denial, their stigma, and  I know how easy it is to lose another friend. I have lots of examples of that. So I am very sensitive and scared about sharing and not getting replies. I have lots of examples of that.

I would like to say that online people are always respectful. They aren’t. They can be invasive and treat you like you are a therapist or a professor or a book of knowledge. I’m not. That’s not my job.

I don’t know if someone is multiple and they shouldn’t be asking me. The answer is I don’t know. Only a therapist is qualified and trained to explore that.

I like to give support and information. I like to be knowledgeable about healing. I like to interact with other survivors.

 I’m a survivor. I’m multiple. I’m healing. Those are my jobs.

It is hard to find the words to articulate something I never was able to discuss before without someone running away. I’m trying.