Freedom can be a lot of things. Today it means to me being free to go out for dinner by yourself and to have a good time. It means being free from some of the damage from child sexual abuse and free from some of the mental brainwashing and anguish that abusers put me through. It means today is better and tomorrow will be better too. It means celebrating and being happy as you can be.
My heartbeat reminds me of my heart, the force it is exerting to pump the oxygenated liquid through my body, gives me the sound of my heartbeat. Liquid. Liquid brings me oxygen. Liquid digests my food. Liquid, water, is what I am mostly made up of.
I am a water baby. Water gives me so much. It soothes me. It comforts me. It brings me into balance. It brings me peace. My sign is Taurus, an earth sign, but my soul is a water baby.
This is a photo of a very momentous spot. This is where I had a vision. I had already been to this spot many other times. It had already sustained and nurtured me for many years. This is where I had the vision of rising above the water, clocked in a warm enveloping blanket. I rose up to about thirty feet above the water, in my mind’s eye. The earth told me that I wasn’t alone and would never be alone and that the earth was my mother. It’s good to remind myself of that. I have a mother.
Here I am walking. I love to walk. I love to hike. But because it is so painful, due to my chronic back pain issues, I can’t walk much and I can’t hike at all.
One of the biggest negative consequences of my health issues and especially with so many of them not being believed or validated or examined by my primary doctor has been weight gain that I cannot seem to effectively get rid of. I lose and gain the same five pounds over and over and over time have gained and lost and steadily gained over the last two decades. I don’t talk about my weight much in detail on the blog.
The last ten years have been the most challenging. I am not ashamed of my weight, but I notice how others react and interact with me in public. I note how negative society is about overweight people, especially women. I don’t want the extra weight, I don’t think that I over-induldge, and I don’t believe that being thin or even a healthy weight is a recipe for happiness and healing.
In the last eleven months I’ve lost 55 pounds, that makes it about five pounds a month I am managing to lose each month and not regaining. I am hoping that next month I can lose five pounds also so that I will have lost 60 pounds for the last year, at the end of May. I still have more to lose after that. I am eating better and having a few less problems for food and have done some very good healing work in those areas.
There are three nicest parts about losing the weight. 1. I don’t have the weight on my body, weighing me down, inhibiting my body movements, and causing me even more pain. 2. Weight loss helps improve all my gastro health issues, especially my hiatal hernia. 3. Walking is less painful, most of the time. For all the reasons I am better, I am grateful.
I wanted to take a photo of me twirling, but I thought it might not look any better than the photo of me jumping. So I decided not to take the word twirl as today’s prompt so literally and to instead think of what I think of when I think of the world twirl.
Twirling means to me abandoned inhibitions for the seeking of joy and happiness. One thing that does that for us is bubbles. It was so nice and warm today. We had some taking care of life business stuff, but afterwards we went for a long bike ride, and then around the lake and then some photo taking and then to the coffeeshop at Target. Thinking about twirling I thought we needed to buy some bubbles while there and this photo is my attempt to capture them in a photo, which was surprisingly hard to do. Bubbles do it for me. I don’t think I know why, they just do, so my belief about that is just go with it. If some small things brings you joy, embrace it as much as you can, as often as you can.
It took me two parks to find an adult pushing a child on a swing. It was worth it.
Here I am in mid-jump. Reflecting on the word jump and what it means in my life right now and on my healing path I realized that today the word means action, taking action, doing. Of course the word jump is used positively and negatively. You can jump in and do something you have wanted to do for a long time or you can not look before you leap kind of jumping. So I focused on the positive kind of jumping today.
Doing has been a huge focus of my healing for the last couple of years. Going out and practicing being a pack leader, calm and assertive, in charge of my own life, occupying my own space, in control of my own choices. Doing things that are good and fun and taking care to do my self-care and reaching out to others, interacting with other survivors of childhood abuse, making new friends, being a support for others and learning better how to make friends and to be giving and good and loving and kind to them. Those kinds of jumps are good and have brought so much healing and love into my life. I think I’ll jump some more.
I’ve been thinking of soil lately. Since it has been snowy lately and there isn’t much soil around that is free of snow, I have been thinking today of what soil also means. To me it means a place of nourishing.
Definition 5: A place or condition favorable to growth; a breeding ground.
Thinking of many ways that my soul, my mind, my body, my selves get nourishing/nurturing I thought of all the ways that I get what feeds and sustains me, what makes me happy and blissful, what fills the empty cracks and spaces inside myself, what makes my heart and soul soar and what makes me feel happy to be alive.
Giving myself nurturing is something that has always been difficult for me and quite a challenge for us. The more that I am doing it now, the easier it is getting, the more I believe that I deserve the little lovely things in life that make me happy and give me a deep sense of peace and contentment.
One way that does it for me is potato salad. That might seem odd to you, but to me it fits perfectly. My female parent used to make wonderful potato salad and all the siblings loved it. When I wasn’t associating with my sister or my mother I would hear stories later about how I missed a wonderful barbeque with potato salad. I would sometimes try potato salad that is deli made and never really liked them much by comparison, so I just would go without it for most of the year. I have found a few kinds that are better than others now and once in a while I go to Target and get some potato salad. I get a coffee at the Starbucks in the store and sit down for a nice read and nice inside picnic party, that nurtures me. What nurtures you? This week try to do one thing, you deserve it.
22. mother nature (Earth Day)
Thoughts several days ago of mother nature and Earth Day brought up lots of wonderful lush and growing images. The reality of mother nature today was something else entirely, what seems to be the start of a snowstorm. I did manage to go on a bike ride to the library today, two miles or so, to get some movies to watch, and then home again.
This whole month has been one whole exercise in managing expectation and disappointment. It is good practice. Not that I haven’t had tons of practice on these issues, just that I like to acknowledge that it is all a challenge and I am rising to the challenge and working on my healing issues. It’s good to see that in the midst of all that I have been going through this year, I am still up for the challenge and to give myself the credit that I deserve.
I am living. I am independent. I am paying my bills. I am taking care of myself. I am working on finding a new place to live. I am praying and thinking good thoughts for myself and my new abode. Friends and others are doing the same for me. I am blogging and reading other blogs. I am in contact with friends and that is something that gives me/us so much.
Stop, and look at the flowers.