My Favorite Free Social Distancing Perk

There are some good free things out there on the internet since the start of social distancing. They are in no way compensation for living in a pandemic, one million citizens infected, or the loss of life.  A distraction. An entertainment. Yes. A joy even, sometimes.

There are some free show available on hbo. There is  free Battlestar Galactica episodes on Syfy with ads.

Best of all, for me, is free daily opera streams from the Metroplitan Opera. I’ve watched almost twenty operas! My favorite is  Parsifal. My least favorite is Eugene Onegin. I absolutely loved Wagner’s Ring series of four operas.  From everything that I have ever seen or heard about Wagner, I never would have thought I would love his work. Sometimes you just have to try something in order to find out.

Metroplitan Opera

New Therapist: 6 Months On

I still consider her my new therapist. I really like her as a therapist. She has better skills than any other therapist I have seen, which is incredible.

I’m really working hard in and out of the therapy hour. Some huge new revelations have happened recently.

I realized something last week that was huge, but here’s the thing, it was totally obvious, I had just never seen it before. It all started about a month ago from something my sister said. I’ll try to write about that soon.

This week marks the sixth week that I have been doing therapy by phone. That too is going good. I tend to talk almost all the way through the therapy hour, by design, but on the phone I am trying to pause more for comments than I previously would have gotten through her emotional energy, facial expression, and body language. The biggest thing about therapy is that the clinic decided to let the therapists make weekly appointments instead of only bi-weekly. It is much appreciated and much needed during this social distancing and pandemic time. I am frustrated, enraged, triggered, and saddened about all that is going on out there.

I think about posting every day and think of all the blog friends I have come to know over eleven years of blogging. If you are gone, I still think of our connections and send you love and good and healing thoughts. If you are still blogging or a new blogger to me, stop in and I’d love to hear from you. Good and healing thoughts to you all.

New Therapist

I’ve got a new therapist and I really think she is competent to handle me, which is saying a lot. I have seen her three times already.  She has shown me that she is competent to handle me, capable, and willing. She is very good at being a witness to my healing therapy while being present, compassionate, and empathetic.  Those are all huge things.

I will say that I was at the point of being able to articulate in excruciating detail exactly what I did and did not want in a therapist and in therapy and in healing. I had a long talk with the person who was going to re-assign me to another therapist. So that has gone a long way in getting me assigned as her client. She is another therapist in the office where I was going.

I’m glad that I don’t have to go out on my own and try to find another therapist entirely on my own and especially glad that I don’t have that project looming in my life right now, even if it were only to find another therapist in the same clinic. I don’t have a lot of energy for projects right now.

I had some real issues with the other therapist, to the point of avoiding going to therapy for six months. I went in one more time, and seriously I was not capable of making it work, and really why should I have to be the one who had to try to make it work? I think the partnership proved to be a bad fit, untherapeutic. She was very good at helping clients manage the everyday manageability of their lives, but that was not my situation and I was clear about that constantly. She made it hard for me to work on my stated  and agreed upon therapy goals and needs of healing from childhood abuse, especially mother daughter sexual abuse.

The clinic will only allow me to get an appointment every other week, so that is very frustrating. It is a county mental health clinic, so it has a lot of clients and they decide those issues, even though I disagree on that.  But I suppose I would need some time to transition into doing therapy once a week.  The nicest part of that is that I don’t have to pay the co-pay, since the county declines to charge me, about $50 or more a month, so that makes it well worth my wanting to stay there, Also I have not found a better therapist on my own. She promised to help me find a weekly therapist, when and if I want to move on.

I have spent most of the sessions going over my family history and abuse history as background, but I am doing a lot of healing work through talking and feeling about all of that. It is very intense. And very healing. I am doing good work.

Good and healing thoughts to you all.

Healing Quotes 812

“Life is much more interesting when you make a bit of effort.”

~ Ai Weiwei, “Ai Weiwei: Never Forget.”

Healing Quotes 809

“No matter how dark the day, it always seems so much brighter when there’s a dog around.”

~ @MotherNatureNetwork

The Shadow of Mercury in Retrograde

So I figured out there is a fore-shadow for a few weeks before mercury goes into retrograde. Yeah lucky me. 🙂  I’m particularly, negatively sensitive to those times of the year when mercury is in retrograde. I learned of this when I decided to move out of state about ten years ago. To those of you who don’t believe planets’ movements around the solar system can negatively impact you, you are probably not susceptible to these negative influences, and congratulations to you.

I read recently that mercury is in retrograde 19% of the year, so yeah it is something you have to deal with and manage, if it effects\affects you. I learned that there is a shadow that can start a few weeks in advance and that it can fore-shadow the kind of impact of the coming retrograde.

So my refrigerator stopped working over the weekend. I was happy to get another used one on Monday from the apartment workers.

So I will try to be extra gentle with myself and take good care of myself. And I will try to delay making any major changes in my life during the retrogrades. I just don’t need to make that level of bad decisions anymore. Life is better when I can accept what my life is like without judging or doubting it all, in every area of my life.  🙂

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Happy New Year

Happy new year my dear blog readers.

I went to bed very early on new year’s eve and found myself awake and refreshed at midnight. So I guess the universe wanted me to be there and aware.

After a few hours I decided to grab a pizza and watched the movie Frozen. There are so many parts of the movie that remind me of my childhood; I teared up a few times. Still had a great time.

I was looking around online for the show The Alienist on tnn. Bizarrely I found it available, with commercials, on their app. I thought for sure I couldn’t find it without extra cost.

I loved the book so much when it first came out. I never met anyone else who had even read it. I was hoping the series would be as good. I didn’t think so. But the series did show a lot of evil; in the killer, the politicians, the dirty cops, the millionaire businessmen, the pimps, and every casual observer in the streets who see and do nothing.

Shockingly I still had great fun bingeing the show and alternated with watching the parts of the Rose Parade that I wanted to with the sound on. I hate parade commentary. I love bands and thought the bands were great.  🙂

I was falling asleep trying to finish the last episode. But did it. I was so tired out from the huge focused session and because I had been awake 14 hours. So I went to bed and sleeping time. All in all, a good day and a great start to a new year.

Good and healing thoughts to you all.




Here I Am

Hello beloveds,

I’ve missed you all. Waves, jumps up and down, and smiles a lot to you all.

There have been a lot of reasons that I haven’t been around here and on my netbook. It sucks and won’t update and I’ve tried lots of stuff and really really don’t want to pay money to have it working properly. It is so exasperating. Finally I have gotten it to update some of my updates, though it just won’t do things right. My windows 10 updates are the worst. This all started in April, when windows was supposedly not going to support use online without updates, and have continued to frustrate and enrage me. I keep trying and some things are working, though the worst is when it won’t update because it says that there isn’t room on my device, which outrages me cause I don’t have anything else on this crappy machine but what it came with, so there definitely should be room for windows 10 updates on it. From what I have read online, this is a glitch issue, and I do workaround that by updates from the settings page instead of the windows 10 update assistant, which is  the worst.

Aside from all of that I find that I don’t have a lot of patience for anything anymore, what with tRump in office. My PTSD has been very challenging these last two years and I am very triggery thanks to that big ass, big racist, and big misogynist in office. I suppose that I am doing better since the day after the election this week, but he always finds an evil way to show hate zillions of times a day.

My nurse prescriber retired and moved out of town so the clinic I go to referred me to someone in the clinic. I saw him recently and like him a lot. I was asked if I would prefer to see someone who was a nurse or a psychiatrist and I said loudly, I would like to see a psychiatrist. I feel really comfortable with a male psychiatrist and I think that was a good move on my part. I had a male nurse at the previous clinic and long ago saw a male psychiatrist and liked him a lot.

It was kind of odd because he said that the nurse had questioned my PTSD diagnosis and he wanted to know what I believed. I said, “Oh yes I have always believed that I have PTSD.” Hey it’s not like I don’t have plenty of very valid other diagnoses. It was kind of hilarious and at the same exact time, not at all hilarious and very disturbing. I guess I didn’t talk to her much about those specific symptoms each time that I saw her and especially since I do not have any medications that specifically are not related to my other issues of depression and anxiety. Though to be honest I don’t see how you can present with issues and diagnoses of depression and anxiety and being a childhood sexual abuse survivor and not get a quick and easy diagnosis of PTSD. Also I don’t think that they use Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder enough. Aside from that puzzling issue, I liked him a lot. He also gave me his office hours for Wednesdays and said that if I needed to or wanted to I could do drop-in hours every week. That made me feel so good and like I had someone on my side. A good feeling.

I’ve been going semi-regularly to the same therapist. Only semi cause of my health issues. I had a bad summer, getting three sinus infections while living in the air conditioning. That has improved and I am very happy about that. I got lots of self-care done, and that was great.

I’ve been taking the higher dose of levothyroxine, the synthetic hormone, for my thyroid disease for six months and things continue to improve all around, except for weight issues. Still being sick so much means that I don’t get out and exercise much, so I tend to gain and not lose during those time periods in my life. I am doing more and getting out more and walking more, so that is all good. And sleeping more and deeper and better. I’ll write more about all of that in the near future.

I’ve been hanging around blogs more and reading more and starting to leave small comments. I plan on being much more involved and I am hoping that my health improvements will contribute to my abilities to do so.

See you all soon, beloveds. We love yous.


Healing Quotes Littles 1053

“When I was a little girl who didn’t fit in, I read ‘Julie of the Wolves’ and decided that running away to live with a wolfpack was a really great life plan, and to be honest I’m starting to wish I hadn’t grown out of the idea.”

~ Myrrh, @ixis82