May is My Birthday Month

Well it is May soon and May is my birthday month. 🙂

Again I’m doing the usual special stuff on the blog for my birthday month. For day one through nineteen I will be posting a healing book quote and a healing bike quote, and a healing poem, each day. The poems will be on the topics of reading, books, and bikes, lol.

For my birthday week I am planning, again, to do something lots of fun each day and will try to post about each of them. I’m sure there will be a post or two, for sure, on ice cream, chocolate cake, and pizza. 🙂

On my birthday I will be posting 24 healing bike and book quotes, one each hour. As usual The Littles will start out with the healing quotes, but the Teens will take over half way through the day. So count on a couple of more adult quotes, as usual, towards the end of the day. We are still putting together the quotes and arranging them into scheduled posts, so we still have some work to do in that. We are enjoying ourselves a lot and hope that yous enjoy the countdown to our birthday in May as well.

Well This Sucks

Well this sucks.

Just as I have been able to start finding the words to describe and write about certain things that have happened to me six months ago and even a year ago and even longer ago than that, cause I was pretty blocked about sharing about certain things, just when I seem to be opening up more and able to share more, wham! a lot more stuff has been happening this past week and I feel real silent again and it is really hard to find the words. Well this sucks.

On the plus side, which I still haven’t been able to talk much about the some of the big stuff this past year, even in therapy and here on the blog.

One thing I started doing in October last year was soul retrieval work, which has been incredible and fantastic and very, very healing, but the words just don’t seem to come out to share about it and to feel about it and to really get a good grip on what happened and what is still happening. I hope mentioning it here helps me to start trying to post more about that process.

I was able to go to therapy this afternoon and was able to condense some of the big shit that has been happening this week and what it means and how I have been thinking and feeling and processing. So that is a really good sign.

I’ve been doing a lot of inner multiple system work, in our inner living reality of the system, which has really been exhausting and very essential, and I hope that I will be able to share some of that and for some of the inners to share more about that as well on our private blog.

Friends online and in person, who know that I am multiple, have been tremendously supportive in our healing process and have often asked what it is like to be multiple, what kind of stuff can I do, how can I do things better to be there for you?

And quite frankly it has always been so hard for me to deal with finding an adequate answer. I am thinking that I might be able to write something about what we are going through within/inside the system, as we interact with one another, as a way of trying to explain some of what it feels like and how we experience being multiple. Well we will be thinking about it and trying to write about it.

A lot of the things of life are good and I am still doing many fun and enjoyable things every week, even if it is only to read a book that I want, watch a movie or a tv show that I want. That has been the good part of the healing process over the years.

The suckie parts still suck. Sharing about a huge portion of my healing process has been such an integral part of my healing, my life, and my soul. It has always been really necessary and important to be able to just put it all out there. So this has been particularly difficult to not be able to find the words to write or say. I am able to write more and post more and that has been very helpful, moving in the right direction I think and I am hoping, and I will continue to keep working on it.

Multiples are 1% of Our Society

I am a multiple. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, previously known as Multiple Personality Disorder. We are not rare in our society.

Yes multiples, those with Dissociative Identity Disorder, are estimated to be 1% of our society, not a rare condition.

I had told one of my brother’s this before and he probably doesn’t want to remember this or think about this or anything about being multiple, because he keeps telling me that being multiple is “all in my head,” as though that means it doesn’t exist or that I imagine it or that if I only just thought hard enough about it, it would all just disappear, if I truly wanted it to. I always tell him no that is not how it works. It is not something you can imagine away, because it does not only exist in your imagination, DID is real.

So every once in a while we have “the multiple argument” where I tell him he doesn’t know what he is talking about and he pretends that he does.  I really deserve better from him. But he keeps refusing to care enough about me to take in the reality of my painful childhood and it’s consequences and long-term aftereffects. I deserve better from him.

I was telling that again recently to my rather dense brother, about multiples being 1% of the population, who found it hard to wrap his mind around that idea. And so instead of trying harder, he tried to argue about the fact.  And how he argues is to dispute a fact by using his own personal life observations, rather than facts.

Yes we have scientists and psychiatrists and psychologists, clinicians and researchers, and several decades of research and the current estimate is 1% of the population.

On the other side of the argument is my brother, with no degree, no psychology work of any kind, disputing them. He told me that only two people, one is me, have ever disclosed to him in his whole lifetime that they are multiple, so it must be rare. I said no that is not what that means.

What you can conclude from the fact that two people have disclosed being multiple to you is that two people have told you that they are multiple. Nothing else.  Nothing more. (I’ve known lots more multiples, online and in person, and I don’t think that means that the percentage of the population must therefore be much higher as a result of my personal experiences!)

Personal opinions. Personal beliefs or belief systems. Personal prejudices against those with mental health challenges. Personal experiences. Personal levels of denial about childhood sexual abuse and it’s consequences and it’s aftereffects.  None of those things are facts, scientific data or scientific conclusions.

Told Therapist About DID

I told my therapist recently about being multiple. She seemed unfazed. I think she had a pretty good idea that I was. I think it was something she got in the paperwork from my short-term crisis counselor, but I hadn’t brought it up until recently and she had not asked me about it, which was nice. My life was in too much upheaval when I first started seeing her, I was still at the women’s shelter, she is the therapist at the shelter, and I was concerned that it remain private there. I didn’t want anyone talking about it in case other clients overheard and it was something that other clients used to mistreat me further.

So I wanted to keep my stuff private and out of any discussions while I was at the women’s shelter.

It was at the end of a session recently and that was good, because I was concerned that she would start grilling me about us and make me uncomfortable and make me feel unsure about seeing her again. But fortunately she is smart and capable and competent and made me feel okay about being who I am. She always does that.

My New Private Blog

I wanted to let everyone know that I have created a new private blog for posting on being Dissociative Identity Disorder. I’m going through all of the information that I have on emails and blogs and hopefully I am not neglecting to send an invitation to any of my blog friends. Some invitations were sent through wordpress and some were sent through email.

But if I don’t have your email, or can’t find it right now, I might not have sent you an invitation. If you want to leave me a comment here or by email, saying you didn’t get an invitation and want one, let me know.

If you comment on this blog, you should have gotten an invitation. One person found theirs in their spam filter. I hope the rest of you got yours.

If you got an invitation and don’t have the time or want to be active there, no worries, feel free to decline.

Healing Quotes Teens 131

“Change is not a bolt of lightning that arrives with a zap. It is a bridge built brick by brick, every day, with sweat and humility and slips. It is hard work, and slow work, but it can be thrilling to watch it take shape.”

~ Sarah Hepola


Christmas Quotes


Elf, the Movie.

You know what? I’m not a big fan of the movie Elf. And now they’ve made it into a musical! I kind of got suckered into seeing it under false pretensions. Before the movie was released they were having commercials geared towards adults to go see this movie. This guy, who dresses like an elf, was raised by elves, at the North Pole, a comedy, ha ha. A relative and I went to see it the first weekend it was out. And everyone else in the audience were kids and their parents. That was when we had a clue, either they were all wrong for the movie or we were. We were. After the first weekend I noticed they started advertising the movie for kids. Good plan.

The Littles however have quietly loved the movie. They usually convince me to watch it once a year. I saw a used copy of the movie at the used store and they managed to convince me to buy it for them. We haven’t seen it yet, but oh yes they will convince me again.

It is just one of those things that I have to suffer through, cause I really don’t like some things that they do. I’ve always insisted no purple dinosaurs. And I can’t really abide Dora the little explorer girl. But we have watched episodes of Go Diego Go and for days after the songs in the show will dance merrily around in my head. I’ll find myself singing out loud apropos of absolutely nothing Diego Diego Go Diego Go or Ah Rescue Pack! Coming to the Rescue. I’d rather remember lyrics to other songs.

Most of the animated movies I love. However at times I’m not very appreciative of the shows and movies that they want to watch. For the most part I manage to get them some of what they want and I have really dedicated this month to letting them watch a whole bunch of animated movies and shows as well as Christmas ones too. They have been telling me lately that I need to stop complaining about the quality of the shows or characters while they are watching, because it interferes with their enjoyment of the shows. So I’m trying.

Something I read recently is helping me to appreciate the movie Elf and their enjoyment of it. It’s an article at a blog I recently discovered, positively present, and the article is called 10 life lessons from the movie elf. Some of my favorite lessons are make smiling your favorite, give out compliments freely, don’t give up, and let life excite you. I like that.

Our Christmas Bush

Five years ago, when I got my first check from Social Security Disability I went to Target and got, what I call, our Christmas bush. It doesn’t take up a lot of space and I don’t ever have a lot of space, so it works good.It hooks together quick and easy, just three pieces to attach to the urn and then on top of one another.

Three years ago it was in another state, in storage. The first Christmas I got it home again I didn’t put it up, I had injured my mid-back and so much of my decorating plans were on hold. Last year I got sick early in the season, it lasted, and again,  a lot of decorating didn’t get done. I did manage to put it up, but the only decorations on it were the white Christmas lights that come attached to the bush.

This year I put it up early, the weekend before Thanksgiving. For some bizarre reason I haven’t found most of my tree decorations. I looked through every box of stuff I still have boxed except a few that I knew for sure didn’t have them. With my health issues right now, lifting makes things worse so I have been taking it slow. Late last night I thought I remembered putting them into the biggest box I have, so I need to look there and see if that is where they are. I hope they are there, because if they aren’t I don’t have them anymore and I know for sure I had them before moving.

I’ve done a lot of decisions about what to keep of a box of Christmas tree items. I was shocked that most of it was something I am going to donate. I did donate a huge box many years ago to the food shelf for the same reasons. Most of the tree items have connections to my mother and sister and I got rid of everything else but the Christmas stuff and some Disney dolls. I can’t ask The Littles to give up their dollies, so we still have those. I will take the items over to the Salvation Army and donate them. Hopefully someone else can look at them and feel happy.

I am planning on decorating the Christmas bush by the end of the weekend. Here is what it looks like now:

Picture 070