Connectedness to Music

With all the Bliss Lists Items that include music, the Songs for Self, and the Songs for Healing posts on my blog, it won’t come as a surpise that I have a high sense of connectedness to music.

Even so, I didn’t think to make a post of this connection until a day or so ago. When the idea occurred to me, I immediately thought, well that is obvious. And then I didn’t have a reason that it had not occurred to me already. Obviously I have a strong connectedness to water.

Perhaps there are other things that are obvious connections as well. I still have more connectedness topics for this series of posts. I have at least ten more topics. While I’m going through that process I’ll be trying to find more of those obvious invisible connections as well.

Connectedness to My Soul

My soul is very wise. It took me a while to know and understand that.

In 1998 I wrote a poem about the incident of child sexual abuse that led to my splitting into pieces and becoming multiple. I worked on this poem for six months, trying to get it to say exactly what I wanted it to say. It is the first poem of mine that I posted to my blog. It is here: A Child Abused.

Several years later I had been reflecting upon the poem, being multiple, and my soul a lot. I realized how wise my soul was to make the decision to live. I was very overwhelmed with this. As always I was shocked and amazed at the wisdom of my soul.

I decided to leave the decision of my life and death up to my soul and it allowed me to finally put aside the long-term and recurring suicidal ideation. I still do not struggle with this issue, thanks to my connectedness and the trust that I have in my soul.

My soul breathes in life.

Connectedness to Dolls

I have always loved dolls. I had several of them when I was in elementary school. I used to sleep with them and my stuffed animals and line them up next to me from my head to my feet.

When I was eleven years old I still had dolls. I did not consider this odd. For Christmas I got a small baby doll, about four inches tall. My mother told me that now that I was old enough I would never get another doll and would never need one.

I didn’t get rid of my dolls. I started buying used ones at a local flea market. I had dolls around me through my high school years.

Part of my twenties I felt ashamed of my dolls and my need and connection to them. I finally talked myself out of that, especially since my shame came directly from my mother and my sister. I realized they were not fit women to tell me how to live my life.

I bought some new ones. I bought more used ones. I started collecting the Disney dolls. I lined them up on book shelves. I loved seeing their smiling faces. Finally I realized that having them around made me feel less lonely. And to accept that they played a part in my level of happiness. I liked that.

Reflecting on this reminded me that most of my dolls are still in boxes. I decided to start planning on going through them and to find some space for a few more of them to be out in our home space. After all, it is their space too, and I love having them there.

Connectedness to Books

All over where I live there are books. I am connected to them. These are books that I have a special connection to, I chose them and they chose me.

There are books everywhere. There is a library about a mile away from where I live. There are many books sitting in one place and that makes for a very powerful energy convergence. All week there are books coming and going from there. There are books sitting and moving all over the world and I am connected to them too.

Words are powerful, but it is more than just my connection to words that make books powerful and me connected to them. It is what you do with the words that matter. It is that in those books are words organized into groupings that state facts, concepts, ideas, and more. They show drawing and paintings and photos. There are so many books that bring healing. I love that. I love books. I am connected to all of those things. I am connected to books.

Connectedness to a Building

There is one building that I have the most affection and attachment for. It is the downtown Minneapolis library. For those who read my blog, this is probably no surpise, and the library features heavily in my life.

Yes, I love the books there, and that is probably also another area for connectedness, but I picked this building for an additional reason; it is very grounded. It has structure that reaches down and up. It has weight and it has mass. It is solid and grounded and relaxing. When I am there I know that I am home.  

The new building, which was built on the old library spot, is shown above. I first went to the old building on a school field trip when I was in elementary school. Back then there was a very small museum in the basement of the library. I have gone to the library countless times since then. The new building opened less than ten years ago. I was there on the opening day. It has been, it is, and perhaps will always be, my favorite library.

On the nighttime photo below you can see where the coffeeshop is by looking at it. On the first floor, in the front of the building, on the left hand side of the photo is the Dunn Brothers coffeeshop. I love sitting there on one of their plush leather chairs and reading and letting my mind wander as I look out through the windows three feet in front of me that go up about twenty feet high. There have been times that I have been sitting there and had to stop and wipe away tears, because we were so happy to be there. The clouds amble by in the most beautiful and meditative state, yeah the zen of clouds. We love it.

Connectedness to Words #2

I’ve decided one way I am going to work on my connectedness to words.

I am going to use the word Shanti. Shanti means peace in Sanskrit. It is very powerful when you say it three times in a row. I’m not one of those people who think it is hip to use Sanskrit. It is because Reiki uses Sanskrit and I am a Reiki teacher. That is why I am going to use it, though it is pretty cool.

I am going to write the word Shanti on my body three times. I am going to also use the Karuna (Compassion) Reiki symbol Shanti above the words. I have picked my left wrist area. First I am going to try to decide the size I want it to be and then I might use a pen to see if I can draw it good.

Eventually I might have a tattoo. I’ve never had a tattoo before. I have thought about it a lot. I will see how this goes and keep it for a time, just drawn on and wait to see if it is the symbol that I am interested in the most. I think it is.

Here is a link to what it looks like and what the symbol is used for in healing. It is a great symbol and word for a survivor of child sexual abuse. The symbol works in areas of peace of mind, insomnia, and releasing fear and panic, all things that I need to work on healing.

Connectedness to Words

I have always loved words. Even when I was tiny I loved words.

When I am really stressed, like during finals weeks, instead of just reading over the textbooks, highlighted texts, and my notes, I often would read a whole book. I never had time to read a whole book as well as study.

I was reading lots and lots of words, hundreds of pages worth. It took me a while to understand why I was driven to do this. I was filling myself up with words, into my mind and body.

Another ritual abuse survivor told me that she used to read pages and pages of words before being ritually abused. She told me that she could recite the paragraphs in her mind and that was what helped her to dissociate away from what was abuse she was going through. It helped her to stop feeling the emotions they were putting her through.

Thinking about writing this post made me realize something that I think is important. Most of the time I have words. I can’t think of many circumstances when I do not have words inside me. When I am triggered or having a panic attack or even very upset, I don’t have any words. It’s hard to speak. It is hard to think. It is hard to have any words inside of me.

I need to think and feel about this some more. I think that there are times when I am not upset when I can consciously think about words and my connections to them. I will be exploring how my connections to words can become stronger and help me in all areas of my life. Words are something that are real, very real to me, but they are also things that I do not have to touch in order to feel them.

Connectedness to Fictional Characters

Because so much of my life was about living in my imagination as a child and later my adulthood, I have often felt a strong connectedness to fictional characters in books and movies.

Bosom Friends:

Anne Shirley (Megan Follows) from the book and series Anne of Green Gables.

Elizabeth Bennett (Jennifer Ehle) from the book and BBC production of Pride and Prejuidice.

Survivors:

Precious, survivor of mother-daughter sexual abuse and father-daughter sexual abuse, from the book Push.

Harry Potter, survivor of neglect and emotional/verbal abuse, from the book series.

Detective Robert Goren (Vincent D’Onofrio), survivor of neglect and emotional abuse, from the series Law & Order: Criminal Intent.

Detective Mike Logan (Chris Noth), survivor of physical abuse by alcoholic mother, from the series Law & Order and Law & Order: Criminal Intent.

Detectives:

Sherlock Holmes (Jeremy Brett, the best Holmes ever) from the stories and from the Granada series.

Albert Campion from the book series by Margery Allingham.

Explorers:

The cast of the original Star Trek tv series:

Captain James T. Kirk (William Shatner).

First Officer Spock (Leonard Nimoy).

Dr. Leonard McCoy (DeForest Kelley).

Montgomery Scott (James Doohan).

Uhura (Nichelle Nichols).

Hikaru Sulu (George Takei).

Pavel Chekov (Walter Koenig).

The Enterprise, the spaceship on the series.

Warriors:

Alice, after she decides to fight the dragon, Alice in Wonderland (2010).

Annja Creed, owner of Joan of Arc’s sword, from the Rogue Angel book series.

Horatio Hornblower (Ioan Gruffud), from the A & E series Horatio Hornblower, based on the book series.

Acheron, leader of the Dark-Hunters book series by Sherrilyn Kenyon.

Teyla Emmagen (Rachel Luttrel) from the series Stargate Atlantis.

Ronon Dex (Jason Momoa) from the series Stargate Atlantis.

King Leonides (Gerard Butler) from the movie 300.

General Maximus (Russell Crowe) from the movie Gladiator.

Connectedness to Stones/Crystals

Working on my issues with grounding and trying to figure out connectedness has shown me that there are huge issues of attachment and that it is okay to be where I/we are in this process. I am starting to see that my issues with grounding are a  big part of the mother-daughter sexual abuse that I went through at the hands of a sadist mother who abused me instead of loving and protecting me.

Attachment is meant to happen with a baby to her mother. I did not have that. I never used to think that I had huge attachment issues. I attached to others to survive. It got me through.

In fact, I attached too much to others, to people who mostly did not want me or love me. Over-attachment to others is an attachment issue. It doesn’t help that I am intuitive and empathetic. Having attachment and connectedness is a part of my process of healing from mother-daughter sexual abuse. I think I was sort of in denial about it all.

I suppose the acceptance of this emerging reality of the deep consequences of mother-daughter sexual abuse is totally appropos of my connnectedness to stones and crystals. Stones are literally of the earth, of the mother. They are a part of the earth and a product of the earth. I would suppose that their primary attachment and connectedness might be to the earth, but really I don’t want to speak for them. I really don’t know.

I have a strong connection to stones and crystals. I don’t know when I figured that out. But it has been there for a long time. I loved them as a child. I wanted to have lots and lots of them.

At a certain point I started buying a few small stones and crystals. I started learning about some of them and buying specific ones to use in healing work. I bought some when I would come across them. But I did not learn a lot and I did not use them a lot. I liked having them. I liked having them near me.

I thought that I had a connection to stones/crystals. I felt them when I touched them. When I bought one it was because that stone seemed to get my attention and I believed that it wanted to come home with me. I would hold one stone and work on healing in my life. It seemed to help.

I loved to go to one cart in a local small mall. The seller had small, medium, and large crystals. I loved being near them. I used to go there just to touch the large crystals. I could hear them singing. It was beautiful.

When I started taking Reiki classes I was drawn more strongly to them. Reiki can be used in conjunction with stones and crystals to increase the power of a healing. My Reiki teacher and others validated my belief that I was intuitely connected to the stones and crystals.

I have my stones in my bedroom in a wooden bowl. I have made sure that they travel with me, through all my travels in the last two years, even when most of my belongings were in storage, my stones were with me.

After moving here to this house almost a year ago, I picked out several stones intuitively, which is what I usually do, to do some healing work. I looked them up in my crystal books and discovered they were just the right stones to use. I have them somewhere around my bedroom. I don’t hold them. I don’t know exactly where they are. They are just there. Stones are like that. They like to go where they are needed and be left alone to do their work.

As I’ve mentioned I have trouble with grounding to the earth and to objects or to even holding objects. I used to touch stones, but I usually don’t usually anymore, but now I don’t have to in order to connect with them.

Oddly I am drawn to hematite stones. I have several of them myself. They are a metal stone that has a strong connection to the earth, a very grounding stone. During my last Reiki class I had a connection to a hematite stone while holding it and from the stone I saw how it was connected to other hematite stones.

I realized that I have very strong connections to stones/crystals that I can access without touching. So I am trying to remind myself to think of the stones and to focus of my connectedness to them, in my room, in the world and to access them for healing and connectedness.

Connectedness to My Hometown

Since I am a Taurus, a water sign, I was told that I should feel a connection to earth, but I don’t. Perhaps this connection has been severed due to abuse. But here is the thing, my connection to water was not severed due to abuse.

However I do feel very connected to the land in one way, to my hometown; very much connected to that, which is part of being a water sign.

I have felt this connection for a very long time. I don’t know when I was first aware of it. But it seems to have always been there. Perhaps it has been.

For many years as an adult I was aware of a strong connection to my hometown and the land. At times I thought perhaps I was being sentimental and inaccurate. I thought that I might be inventing a connection, rather than feeling something that I really had. No one else ever talked about this and it puzzled me. I could never be sure if it was real. I thought it was real.

When I was thinking of moving out of state a few years ago I couldn’t really think of a good reason to stay. I thought of all the places that I liked to go to and couldn’t anymore due to health issues or lack of funds. I thought of all my family and had to keep wondering why I never seemed to matter to them and why they never found the time to spend with me doing things. I thought being away from them might be a good thing. I thought of the place I lived and all the problems there and how good it would be to move from there.

The places I lived in the other two states, the homes, the lands, and the people, meant nothing to me, actually even less. I really disliked the land and had a running list in my head of all the things I did not like about them. I lived in two other states and went through many others on the way there and found nowhere I wanted to stay.

After moving I knew my connection to my hometown was strong. I knew it was real and not just something I thought was true. I knew it was true and I was okay if it was sentimental. I could still felt it and yearned to be there. I wanted to be home.

Okay a little like Dorothy, though I never clicked my heels together. I certainly knew that I wanted to go home and did not need a bunch of adventures in order to figure out, there’s no place like home. So when it came time to find another place to live, I knew, it had to be my hometown once again. I would say I want to go home. Home.

I moved back and live less than two miles from where I lived before. Finally I found a good place. It is so nice to have it. I live in a house with someone else and a doggie. They are both nice to me. I have my own space, my own peace, my own quiet.  

A hometown. I have that. For me, that is my connection; to the place I was born. I am okay with that now. It is strong. It is deep. It is real. And it is so sweet.