Connectedness to Silliness

I tend to be silly when I am happy. It makes me happier. I tend to make a lot of jokes and tend towards silliness. We like silliness. It makes me smile and it gets me the outlook on life that I like to have and like the most.

For about a year I was not able to do that much. I realize now that I wasn’t safe and so I couldn’t be silly. Who would have thought that safe and functional people were pre-requisites for me to be silly?

I had trusted people who were not trustworthy. I was living in places with people who¬†I could not be silly with. They took offense easily and so avoiding them worked best. They were dysfunctional and abusive and so I couldn’t be silly around those kinds of people. I wasn’t safe and couldn’t work on healing much, but I also couldn’t work on being real, being myself, being silly.

Now I can. And silliness is making me happier and happier with myself. I feel very connected to my silliness. ūüôā

Connectedness to Personality Type

My Myers-Briggs Personality Type:

ENFJ: Extrovert Intuitive Feeling Judging.

I remember when I first did the test, about ten years ago. It was during a class offered at the local job workforce center. One day you complete the test and the next day of class you see the results. I read over my type and a lot of it clicked and made perfect sense to me.

And then the teacher said okay think of several people in your family and write down where you think they fall, based on what you have learned. It was just an estimate, but it was shocking and amazing to me.

I saw how most of the people in my family of origin did not share any of the same characteristics that I had. Not only that, but I was able to realize that my family were rigid in their own type, even more so from having so many people in the family exactly like them, and were incapable of wanting to understand that other people are different and that different is okay. I recalled so many times when they judged and demeaned me because I was not like them, different.

Doing this type test allowed me to let go of that and their beliefs about me. It was not about me. It was about them. It was about being able to accept myself and to be connected to who I was intrinsically in my personality. It was about finding others who could accept me and see the unique personality I was in the midst of my personality type.

I am not just my personality type. I am not rigid about how that impacts my life or how other people’s personality types impacts theirs. We are more than our personality types. But it brings new understanding so long as I am flexible and accepting of myself and others.

I really love and accept my personality type. It brings me a lot of fun and joy. ūüôā

Connectedness to Chocolate

Mostly we are told that all kinds of food is bad for us. Or that it isn’t healthy. Or that we shouldn’t eat it or we should feel sinful and guilty¬†for eating them.

I do believe that it is important to eat mostly healthy food. Healthy food can taste great and that is important and important to realize that food is not just for eating, not just for fuel. Food is for a huge number of reasons.

As well I believe it is okay, some of the time, to have fun, to indulge, to please ourselves, to eat purely for pleasure.

For me that is chocolate. Then of course there is coffee. They connect me to my life and to pleasure and happiness. Good reasons.

Oh magic beans!

Connectedness to Angel Spirit

I wish I could explain this good, but I don’t have a good grasp of it myself. The Littles are the ones who first introduced me to the¬†concept of angel spirit. I’ve asked them to explain it to me, but they get too upset and very emotional about it all. All I know is the emotions that they have shared with me and how much love they have for those who have an angel spirit. So I would have to say it is a huge amount of love and emotion that they are feeling.

More than twenty years ago they told me that a friend of ours was an angel spirit. They loved her very much and never wanted her to leave from our life. It was very sad when she ebbed out of our life.

Our friend Joanies, who reads our blog, also has an angel spirit. We love her so much. One of our best friends, Fish, has an angel spirit as well.

The Littles have managed to communicate to me a few words. They believe that these people don’t have a human spirit, they have an angel spirit. I didn’t know that was possible. But if it is possible, then my two friends are definitely angel spirits.

I love you Joanies. I love you Fish.

Connectedness to My Best Friend

Having a best friend has always meant so much to me. Usually I didn’t have one. Having a friend is good, but a best friend is the best.

I tried for years and years to find friends near me. They just weren’t that interested in me. I don’t know why or what is wrong. But then I started finding friends online. It took me a while to find some best friends.

About ten years ago I decided that I wanted to have three best friends. Right now I have two. I love them lots.

So my best friends¬†don’t live near me.¬†We wish that we could live with one of them all the time and the other one could visit us here very often. We will keep wishing.

Friends connect you to your most primal needs. Best friends fulfill them.

This Week and Beyond

This week sort of got away with me. I had to deal with some health issues this week and was wiped out. After an appointment one day I had to sleep most of the next day. And have been kind of spacey due to health since then. I’m sorry I’ve missed some important posts from other bloggers, I am slowly trying to catch up.

I remember being healthy, sort of, and that was decades ago. I miss it. I miss it a lot. I am happy to report that I now have more than a nodding acquaintance with healthy eating. It took a long time, but I am continuing with this work.

I had been planning on doing posts this month that the Teens wanted us to work on, posting more and processing more about the time I spent when living out-of-state, but I am not done with the connectedness work and want to continue on for that this month. So I will be posting about connectedness through this month, and other things, as they come up.

Connectedness to Survivors

I suppose most of my life since starting to work on healing,¬†being a survivor and all of my blog shows my strong feelings of connectedness to other survivors. I suppose I’ve written enough on this blog about how much survivors mean to me and how much I love and care about them.

Even if I don’t know them or we don’t become friends, I care about other survivors. I want the best for them and their healing path and healing life. I want to help in that. I have created some wonderful healing resource pages for survivors. I want to create a non-profit to help other survivors to heal.

I have several friends that I have known for over five years and I love them very much and they mean a great deal to me. I have been very fortunate in that in the last two and-a-half years on the blog I have met some wonderful survivor friends.

My connectedness to them is strong.

Connectedness to Our Personal Qualities

For the longest time I didn’t think that I had any redeeming qualities. I had such a low level of self-esteem. I did realize that I had some qualities, but I discounted all the ones that I was able to identify.

I was intelligent, but so what? No one in my family had ever valued that quality or me for being smart. I had been so proud of being smart when I was young, but my whole family ground me down about that.  

I was honest and a hard worker, but again, so what? I worked with so many others who weren’t, so it was obvious to me, over and over, that being honest and hard working at work were not valued as¬†great qualities. I wasn’t valued more in the workplace. Sometimes I was valued less. Usually I became the scapegoat for all the problems. It was so similar and even when I disagreed with that, as I had as a child, that did not have an impact or change my situation for the better. Turns out I worked in some really dysfunctional workplaces. It took me a long time to find the value in those qualities.

I still see way too many qualities that I see as being negative and validate them as being accurate. I’m pretty sure that I am¬†being harsh with myself and need to¬†start cutting myself more slack. I give so many people compassion and understanding. I am just as deserving of feeling those emotions about myself.

It took me a really long time to recognize a good aspect of myself and celebrate to it.

Working on being more connected to my personal qualities has helped me to be proud of myself and proud of my life and healing. We decided to write and post five qualities we are proud of. We are connected to our qualities.







The Teens:






The Littles:






Connectedness to My Body

This is one of the hard ones. I have been working on self-care and body love for a long time. One of the things that I think has worked the best was telling my body and different parts of my body out loud that I love it.

I realize that I need a stronger connection to my body. Being dissociative means I have a weakened connection to my body and that it comes and goes more often and more easily than others might experience. I also realize that because I have been chronically disabled, I have to cope with a high level of pain and limitations. This too encourages a high level of disconnection and dissociation from my body and my life.  

Because I have a weaker and more vulnerable connection, it is harder to work on and harder to fix, but it also means that it is more important that I do so as well.

What works really good is to tell my body out loud every day I love you, my body, three times in a row. I can feel my body respond. I become flooded with happiness and joy. My body is so happy that I love it and that I tell it so. At that moment it feels close to me and I also realize how far apart we are and that I need to work more on drawing her closer to me in love and acceptance.

I also am still working on telling specific body parts that I love them. I am currently working on telling my heart and my lungs that I love them.

One recent development was when the Teens mentioned that they wanted to take more hot showers. I thought about it a lot and realized that I was cold a lot more than was comfortable. I get cold easily and warm up slowly. I have always been this way, but I know that my health issues have contributed to this.

Being dissociative of my body and dissociative one from another in the system was due to being sexually abused as a child. My health issues and pain contributed to the issues around my body and contributed to my desire to be more and more disconnected. Being more dissociated from my body had allowed me to be inside it with coldness and discomfort, without noticing and without changing things and making myself more comfortable.

I am taking more showers and plan on buying a shower chair so that we can stay in there longer and with less pain. I have a space heater that I use when I am cold. I am noticing more if my feet are cold when I am watching tv or on the computer and put on my fuzzy footies more often. I bought a bunch more of them recently when they were on sale.

I realize that making my body more comfortable and warmer by taking better care of it is as important as any of the other body love work that I have done. I am also trying to pay more attention to how my body is feeling overall, tired, sick, hungry, sad and responding to that in a more consistent manner. All of this work is helping strengthen my connectedness to my body.

Connectedness to My Selves

Being multiple doesn’t mean that you will never be alone or that you won’t ever feel lonely. It means that instead of being one whole you are scattered around in parts. It means you feel more lonely than a single personality person, because you are in parts and those parts are divided away from one another.

Figuring out that I was multiple was the catalyst for the first true love I had ever experienced for self. Previously I had only experienced hatred and loathing for myself. Getting to know them caused me to be flooded with so much love for them. They were incredible. I was so proud of them. I love them so much. 

The last three months or so I have been trying harder to establish a stronger bond with all of them, to our life, to me, to our body, to one another, by giving them more time and attention to do the things that they specifically want to do. I believe that is helping us a lot.

I am working on finding some other ways to strengthen the bond between us all, our body, and our life.