My Birthday Week, Continued

We love rice krispies treats. I had not seen any pre-made at stores that are marked gluten free since going gluten free more than six years ago.

The Rice Krispies cereal has gluten in it, though they do have a gluten free version. I have seen it and actually bought it once. It tasted awful, seemingly devoid of sweetness. I don’t like really sugary cold cereal to begin with, so I know this stuff tasted awful. I don’t like adding sugar to cereal either, so I haven’t eaten it since. The rest of the box eventually got thrown away.

I have never bought it with the intention of making the cereal treat bars. The memory of the taste was just too freaking awful. I remember planning on doing it and then I replacing the box of cereal back to the shelf. Even the thought of the sweetness of the marshmellow taste was not enough to convince me to just try doing it once.

So I’ve been without a nice little treat once in a while, until I realized that my nearest Starbucks now stocks rice krispies treat bars. They don’t always have them in stock, but when they do it is a nice surprise. (I guess I should really try to make the treats for myself in the near future. I guess I will.)

For my birthday week today I went to Starbucks and had a Pike Place, my favorite,  coffee and a treat bar. Yum. Life is supposed to be made of little happy moments.

Healing Quotes Teens 836

“I believe that treating other people well is a lost art.”

~ Tim Gunn

A Thanksgiving Time Memory

A Thanksgiving Time Memory (one of the ugly ones)

mentions child sexual abuse

I had decided to write about this specific incident, but am having trouble because when I try to type out a sentence I can’t find the words, I don’t want to share it all in detail, which I don’t have to words for at all, but also I don’t know how to write about it in an abbreviated way either.

I was sexually abused for a long time by a male. He was the man who took me away from the ritual abuse cult I was being abused in. He could do that because he took over the group and was the leader there, for a time, until he disbanded the group. He saved my life, parented me, and loved me, so understandably our thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and memories of him are complex. I knew him for twenty years, until his death. I’m writing about him only as an introduction, for context of why young men were in my life and why that made me more vulnerable to being abused by them.

A few times other men, who worked for him, sexually abused me or tried to sexually abuse me, as well, over the years. When I was eleven, and my primary male abuser was very sick, I was raped a series of times by two men together, in their early twenties. I contracted some kind of reaction on my outer privates that was very obvious and excruciatingly painful.

What made this worst of all, for me, was that I had to tell my mother, who had been my primary female sexual abuser, that I had to go to the doctor and why. My parents never asked me if something had happened to me. They discussed it alone and had decided that my adult sister would go with me to the doctor and stay in the room with me. My sister never asked me if someone had touched me or hurt me.

(Neither did the young doctor, when he showed up. He kept repeating instructions for the proper way to wipe yourself after toileting and insisting that I take very hot baths, as hot as you can stand, every evening, because apparently what obviously looks like a sexually transmitted issue is a refusal to wipe and keep her privates clean. Which incidentally baths can cause infections, so he actually told me all the wrong stuff. He inserted some cream and gave me a prescription for another cream, which worked.)

So here we had been sitting in this cold doctor’s office waiting, after me being told to remove all my clothes and sitting on the table with two thin and tiny paper cover ups, one for above and one for across my thighs. My sister sitting in a straight back chair. We waiting like that for about 45 minutes. It was late November and cold outside and in. I always recall it was November because of our interactions while we waited.

We talked for a while and she was asking about school and how that was. This was the school year where we had moved and there was a  lot of girl bullying. We talked about several things until I started telling her about a music lesson.

I was telling her about a new song that I had learned in school for Thanksgiving. It is called We Gather Together. And to keep my mind occupied and distracted she let me teach her the song. So there we were, for almost an hour, me cold and getting colder by the minute, her ignoring what we were there for and yet there for me, and us singing We Gather Together.

Submissions for Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

Submissions are being accepted for the August 2014 Edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. The deadline for submissions is August 27th.

Mike, at Child Abuse Survivor, is hosting the Blog Carnival this month.

The topic of the month is change. One that I think is great. I am going to be thinking about this a lot and trying to write a couple of posts to be submitted.

As well; the regular categories for submissions include:

Advocacy and Awareness
Healing and Therapy
In the News
Survivor Stories
Art Therapy

Submission Form

Healing Quotes Littles 181

“One must always be careful of books,” said Tessa, “and what is inside them, for words have the power to change us.”

~ Cassandra Claire, Clockwork Angel

Jennifer Lawrence, The Hunger Games.

Month of Celebrating Life: Freedom

30. freedom

Freedom can be a lot of things. Today it means to me being free to go out for dinner by yourself and to have a good time. It means being free from some of the damage from child sexual abuse and free from some of the mental brainwashing and anguish that abusers put me through. It means today is better and tomorrow will be better too. It means celebrating and being happy as you can be.

28 Days of Love: Sentimental

8. Sentimental


Child Sexual Abuse into Adulthood

I was sexually abused until I was twenty-four years old. There was a man who abused me for over twenty years. Yes, it was still sexual abuse. No, even though I was an adult physically, I was not able to give consent to someone who had sexually abused me since I was a preschooler, because my no was not respected and honored. I had no boundaries, no safety, no protections from this person, no matter what age I was.

Even though I was an adult, I still consider it child sexual abuse.

In the last ten years I have known a large number of adult survivors of child sexual abuse who have disclosed they went through this as well.

I used to think that was rare. It is not rare. I think it is something that is very hard to disclose.

As survivors we blame ourselves, others blame us, abusers blame us, society blames victims. It is hard to put those lies aside and disclose. It is hard to feel this vulnerable and to share it.

It is very common among ritual abuse survivors, especially by ritual abuse members and family members. Being dissociative makes those of us with DID even more vulnerable to re-abuse in adulthood.

It is not commonly talked about in the healing community as a topic. It is not often written about in books on child sexual abuse and healing.

I do not recall reading a book, outside of the topic of ritual abuse, where it is discussed by the therapeutic community or disclosed by a survivor.

There are a number of books that I have not read, so it is possible. I have just noticed that it does not seem to have entered the public consciousness, yet.

I have read and posted lots of resource links pages for survivors, but have never come across an article or website on this topic in the last four or five years. Again, it could be out there, I just don’t know about it and I do a lot of searching.

In the last eight years I’ve been online in many survivor forums. Several of my closest survivor friends met on boards have experienced on-going child sexual abuse into adulthood. There are several brave survivors on blogs who acknowledge they were child sexually abused into their adulthoods. Some of them are my best friends.

I am a survivor of child sexual abuse while being an adult.