I Still Have My Christmas Tree Up

I still have my Christmas tree up and plan on keeping it up for some time. It is a small one, about four and a half feet. I have it standing on an end table. It has white lights and it makes me feel happy to see it lit up. I have it lit up right now. I enjoy that a lot. I don’t have it decorated much, but keep telling myself that I will finish it up.

Unfortunately I have been sick a lot of the time and haven’t had the energy to really fill it up. When I am sick I usually make a big mess and have trouble keeping up with regular weekly cleaning type tasks. But I am glad to say that I am keeping up with most of my life and apartment tasks and am continuing to get better and work at staying as happy as possible.

I love Christmas. I love Christmas trees. I am celebrating them year round. Not sure if I will keep the treat up for much longer, but probably through the spring. I just wanted to say, because it has been so important to me, in my life, my process, and in my healing, to do the things that bring me happiness, joy, and love, to enjoy and do the things that I love and want to. And that I wanted to remind you all to do some of that as well, and if you don’t know what you love yet, what brings you bliss, to start exploring that. Good and healing thoughts to you all.

28 Days of Love: Enjoy

27. Enjoy

Success in Coloring

I am very happy to report that I have accomplished my goal of coloring in a coloring book before the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas.We colored in some Christmas coloring books.

I am working on making up some goals for this year and coloring is one of them. I think it is realistic to do a goal of once a month, based on how hard this is for me and how much of my life is still up in the air, how small of a space I have in my bedroom, and how little room I have for activities of any kind and what with living in someone else’s house who is planning on trying to sell it and having to find another place to move in the spring. But I am going to try to color in the coloring books at least once a week. If I can’t I will try to be happy with the plan b goal of once a month.

Ever since I was very small my sister always tried to take everything away from me. She used to buy me or convince my mother to buy me ugly things for Christmas. She was great at robbing all the joy from me. A perfect example of this would be what she always did to me around coloring.

On my first day of kindergarten my sister went to class with me. I know that I was so scared and this is something that she had agreed to do with all of her younger siblings. I was grateful to her. The reason that I was so scared out of my mind was because my own mother was a monster, a child beater, and a sexual offender. Since my own mother was a monster, someone who was supposed to feed and clothe, love and protect me, and she didn’t I had no expectation of safety anywhere in my life.

I was scared of everything. I was scared of teachers, the school building, the other students.  My teenage sister sat in a little tiny chair next to me sitting in my chair, in front of my desk. When it came time to color, the teacher handed out a sheet of paper with a drawing of little red riding hood. I was so scared I couldn’t. I had been taught that I was completely incompetent, at everything, by my mother. I’m pretty sure now that my sister really enjoyed that, took part in it from the time I was very tiny, and liked the idea of me thinking that I was worthless.

I told her I couldn’t and that she could. She did. It was beautiful. I still remember the dark red cape and how striking that looked. I could never color that well. I took that paper home and kept it for a long time. As a child she loved to reinforce how much better she was at coloring. Yes, well I was a child and she was a teenager and then an adult.

As an adult I’ve still tried to color. My sister loved to color with me, always making sure to point out how good her coloring was. Even when she knew that I was multiple and that it was The Littles who wanted to color, she would still go out of her way to make me feel bad about myself, because my coloring just didn’t measure up.

I have never gotten good at coloring. But over the years I have continued to try, because The Littles have continued to ask to color. I’ve bought lots and lots of coloring books over the years. I currently have about 50 coloring books and 3 new sets of 96 crayon boxes.

Well actually only 2 new sets of large boxes and one box that is slightly used, after yesterday. I still judge my coloring so harshly, even while I’m aware that it is little kids doing the coloring. I would never do that to real kids. Even if they don’t have kid bodies, they are real kids and I am going to try to keep reminding myself of that. This is for them.

Usually the ugly hateful voice in my head are direct quotes from my mother abuser, but in this case I think that they are fueled and sustained by my sister and her hateful voice. Seriously, what kind of person makes a child feel bad about coloring?

I am going to try to include coloring in our creative activities and think that might help me to do it more often. I’ll post more this month about my goal setting and through the months on how that process is going.

The Nearest Lake

I was biking around the nearest lake tonight. It’s a small lake really. It was calm. The ducks were on the lake. The temperature was in the high 80s. The breeze was light. It wasn’t too hot. It wasn’t cool. It was just nice.

It’s not near most of the stores that I go to, so I have to purposely bike there, several miles. It is near to one of the big stores I go to; so every time I go there during good weather, I try to make sure that I bike around the lake a time or two before going to the store.

Nothing big happened tonight. No big revelations happened. Really the lake does very little for me. I like looking out across the calm blue water, at the one open water area.

The Littles, however, love to go to the nearest lake. They often mention the nine baby ducks that we saw in the spring, just like a mother duck had last year, nine babies. The Littles love biking around the lake, to them it is bliss. I don’t really know exactly what it is that they love. The feeling that I get from them is just that they love biking always and biking around a lake is extra special to them.

So I went to the lake. And we biked around it. They were very happy. And that is why I do it.


Recently I think that I have made a leap in my life, in healing. Not sure, but it sure feels like it.

Most of my bliss work has been on doing things that bring me bliss. I don’t think I realized there was another kind of bliss, but I do realize, vaguely, that I have heard and read of other concepts of bliss. But I don’t think about them or work on them. Not much. Not lately.

I was talking recently to one of my spirit guides. I always have had spirit guides. I think lots of children who survive abuse had spirit guides. My guide was talking to me about bliss, how to achieve it by embracing it, not through doing or doing nothing, but through being. It was great. It was different. It was bliss.

I really liked it a lot. More to come.

Soul Joy #1

Lately I have been working on the topic of soul joy; to actively enable bliss moments in my life. This has been a lot of work, trying to find a way that bliss is in the moments of my daily life, rather than to have to deliberately embrace joy. What I have found is that any method that I have found, so far, is work, is deliberative, but it also is finding ways to pause in my daily life to dwell in a moment of bliss, to embrace soul joy.

What I have done is to refer to bliss items on my bliss list and to try to find ways to stop and notice and do those things.

My first effort with this has been the bliss list item flowers.

Bliss List #15

What I noticed when I decided to “notice” how I interacted with flowers when I came across them in my daily life was that I avoided flowers on purpose. That really made no sense to me, but I think that as I have continued to work on embracing soul joy I have constantly come up against the proof that I avoid soul joy.

I noticed that when I had the opportunity to look at flowers, I did not take it. I would be riding my bike or at the supermarket and see flowers and not stop. This is when I had nowhere important to go to, no time limit on my time.

I thought that stopping, focusing, looking might be a good initial way to try to put my soul joy into my life.

So I decided that I would stop when I saw flowers on the road, if I thought they were pretty. I would stop at the supermarket and look. I wish that I could say that those moments, those minutes were soul joy.

What I have discovered is that any kind of rules of personal conduct are very difficult for me to reconcile myself with, even if it is to embrace soul joy. I see this as a huge reaction to my mother, her abuses, and her all-encompassing rule over my moment by moment life, thoughts, conduct, beliefs.

I think this wall I am walking into repeatedly is similar to her telling me that I didn’t deserve the air I breathed, the food I ate, or the space I took up. I think she must have also told me that I didn’t deserve to have fun or to do things as well. I don’t remember, but I’m thinking that might be a huge part of this issue.

I do remember that she used to notice me when I looked happy, when I was doing something that I enjoyed to do. When I was at home, as a pre-schooler and she had the opportunity and saw me like that she would pick me up, take me in another room, and sexually abuse me. I still have trouble looking happy, even though she has been dead for more than ten years.

I do remember that I did still find moments of joy in my life when I was little: walking on the front lawn, staring at clouds, talking to my sweet brother, feeling love, petting a cat.

Instead of finding soul joy in this exercise I have found that imposing any kind of rule or limitation to my comings and goings is tedious and my time spent with the flowers are mostly tedium. I have stopped and watched the flowers. I love roses and that has been very lovely to see them all in all their colors. I found out that I particularly love orange flowers, medium pink roses, and nasturniums. I don’t like mixed flower bouquets. I love single kind and color of flower bouquets. I thought recently that I would love to have many different colored daisies, spaced around my living space.

I am not particularly fond of geraniums, but one thing that really impacted me recently was when I was sitting near some in a yard. I reached out to touch the little flowers, who are suprisingly and exquisitely soft and moved me tremendously.

I will continue with this as well as finding some more ways to look, smell, and touch flowers. I think I need to go into some flower shops and to get some flower books from the library. That seems like a good next step.

The Soul is Here for Its Own Joy

This is my start. The title of this post is from a poem by Rumi; the soul is here for its own joy. I found this quote more than ten years ago. It has intrigued me. I have reflected on it many times, many days and in my healing process for the last ten years I have tried to reach for my own soul and to find out what my soul joy is.

I have been asked by some what soul joy is. I suppose everybody has to decide what soul joy is to them and what brings their soul joy. To me it is about love, joy, and bliss; things I love, things that bring me joy, things that I consider bliss and find bliss in doing them.

I will say that I have been working on my bliss list for the last year and doing things that I love and things that I find bliss. During this year I have done more, though not enough, not near enough as I have walked my healing path.

I decided to expand on the idea of a bliss list to include ways of bringing bliss into my life more often, more easily, more accessibly, more quietly and more often, with little effort or thought. I’ve been working on this recently.

So I will be writing more of these soul joy posts, ideas, and how that is going, trying to find ways of stuffing joy into my daily life, as I can, moment by moment to know that daily life is meant to have joy, happiness, love and bliss in it. And to figure out a way to make soul joy a part of my week, part of my life, part of my day.

Libraries and Settling In

On Monday I went by myself to the library and got my new library card, an essential of life. I mapquested it. Ha, it was only about six blocks away, but I was home alone and hadn’t been there yet. So I got on my bike and rode over. It went okay.

The librarian asked me where I worked, that had never happened to me before. They had a spot on the application for that. That was weird. I got my new card and could show it to my friend once she got home. Library cards have always been so important to me.

When I was in high school I lived on the same block as the neighborhood library in Minneapolis. It was so important to me, but just an accident that we lived there. I loved it.

I miss the downtown Minneapolis Library. I knew that I would. A few days before moving I was there. Sitting in the deep leather chair, drinking coffee, at the Dunn Bros. Coffee Shop in the library building. When I first started going there I used to cry, because I was just so happy there; lounging, drinking, reading, loafing, cloud watching. The last time I cried, but not for the same reason. I knew that I was going to miss it so. And I do.