17. High risk taking (daring the fates); inability to take risks.
For a long time I liked to think that I didn’t take high risks. For a long time I thought that I took normal risks. Now I think that was all denial. I have had big problems with both sides of the continuium. Both problems have improved.
I used to live in a big city. Now I live on the edge of suburbia. I used to go out any time of the day or night. I used to go out to bars to listen to bands and travel home late at night. I was taking big risks with my life and safety.
Even though I was told how unsafe I was to do that, I still couldn’t believe that something could or would happen to me. When I became an active church-goer as a young adult, I just couldn’t believe that God would ever let anything horrible happen to me. That was an inaccurate thing to believe and it was a problem for me and my safety.
I still sometimes go out in the middle of the night. I live in a safer area. It could still be dangerous. I try to do my best to be safe. Still I am not as safe as I should be. I need to do more.
I trusted men that were untrustworthy and unsafe. Something abusive could have happened to me so easily. There are a lot of things that I don’t do anymore. I am kind of upset and baffled that I could have been hurt or abused so easily.
I do take risks. At times I took more, at times less. I take less, because of all my fears and worries. I take less, because I fear failure and I fear being hurt by others. I get rejected a lot by others and it keeps me from reaching out to others.
When I was a child, and a young adult I had so much more difficulty talking, interacting, and being with others. I had a painful time doing any of those things. I was painfully shy. Even talking was a great risk. I have come a long way. Now it isn’t painful, it is just potentially painful.
I’m working on reaching out more and taking the normal interacting and achieving risks. I am working on learning how to accurately assess safety, trust, and risk. I’m working on making my life and body safe as I move through the world.