Just One More Day

Just  one more day, in fact, only until noon tomorrow, and the toxic tenant who lives below me will be moved out. Well I have been assured and reassured by the new apartment manager that yes indeed she will be moved out by noon tomorrow. I am not celebrating, and I probably won’t be celebrating until there is silence and the manager confirms that she has moved out. She’s banging around downstairs right now. She was quieter over the weekend, I had called the police on her in the early morning on Saturday, due to marijuana smoke. I think she got scared from that and then I had one whole day of wonderful, respectful peace. Then she smoked cigarettes all day on Sunday and there were several incidents of marijuana smoke. And then the noise started up again, so I think she is recovered enough to be an unbalanced whack job once again.

I saw my therapist today and we talked about her some and all the negative tenants who violate their leases and how little that has been enforced in the last 18 months, due to very bad management. We talked about lots of other, more important issues, most importantly going into more detail about my siblings and mother’s varied and all-encompassing emotional and verbal abuse of me.

I talked to her about all my efforts to have boundaries and enforce boundaries with my family. She was encouraging and supportive of that. That was nice. I like the validation. It is a part of my healing work that I don’t get much from my family. She agreed with me that reaching out to others and forming new involvements and potential friendships are good use of my limited energy.

I talked about the Myer-Briggs personality test and how it showed how different I am from my family. Beyond the fact that most of them are introverts and I am an extrovert, they are incredibly inflexible in understanding that other people are different than them and that that too is normal and acceptable. They have a rigid and inaccurate perception that they are the norm and everything else is worthy of rejection, stigma, exclusion, and scapegoating. Their perception and beliefs of reality and the world are really diametrically opposed to my beliefs.

They don’t have a lot of tolerance for accepting and adapting to differences from themselves. In that too I am different from them. I am very tolerant of others, of cultures, and of accepting all the ways that people are. They are rigid and intolerant in a lot of ways and it has never occurred to them that from my perspective they are the ones who are different, not me. I told her that I believe I got these personality traits and differences from my ancestors.

My family have a whole belief system that is entrenched and rigid and pretty unmoving. It is the basis, the foundation of all the emotional and verbal abuse that my family perpetuated on me all my life. I object to it. I have always objected to it. But reasoned, rational argument has never moved them. Appeals to my heart and emotions have never moved them. Familial appeals have never moved them. Gender appeals have never moved my mother or my sister. They say, at times, that they love me, but very little in their words or actions could be defined as loving. They suck at this.

As I was leaving my therapist’s office she brought up the tenant again and I said, I wish her well, just somewhere else as far away from me as possible. And I guess that is how I feel right now. Go in peace, but just go.

Dr. Strange was just released today on Netflix streaming. It’s a good movie to watch on perceptions and beliefs and changing reality. I saw it once before, but I was definitely ready to see it again. I’m watching it right now. I hope you all are doing something fun for yourself too.

Good and healing thoughts to yous.

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