All my life I believed that I was meant to guide my family into a better way, since I seemed to know the way and wanted them all to change for the better, since I tried so hard to love them. This was emotional work that I was not meant to have to carry around for decades.
At a certain point in my healing they stopped having that much power in my life and my work as a healer. I learned boundaries. Each of them fought me on boundaries from the first time I pushed one of them away from me, told one of them no, said get away from me, fought back, yelled at them, and all the other ways that I tried to establish boundaries throughout my childhood and adulthood. My brother, at my birthday celebration, was still crossing boundaries and this old geezer is in his mid-60s and has grandchildren, but no he is no respecter of boundaries. But I am not a respecter of boundary violators.
I learned that it was not my job or my destiny to heal or help my family. That was their jobs. I figured out that it was their jobs to heal, to get therapists, and to learn how to be decent human beings.
It’s tough having a moral and ethical core and trying to be the moral and ethical core of your family, since both your parents seem to lack their own.
Expecting a child to do a major portion of the emotional work for a family is emotional abuse. It is so very common in an alcoholic family system. Children are assigned rigid and random roles that have very little do to with their lives or their personalities. Some roles children in my family of origin include: golden boy, best daughter, scapegoat, and black sheep. In my family the golden boy was a sexual offender, not really true to reality. Being a scapegoat meant I was young and innocent and vulnerable to abuse and being singled out. The black sheep was someone who acted out the dysfunction of the family. He became a focal point, just like he did when his older brothers singled him out for physical abuse.
One way that I think that I did a lot of emotional work for my family was that I was a scapegoat in my alcoholic family system. I got abused and blamed for many things. I had nothing to do with any of what I got blamed for. I was a little child. My parents were the adults and yet, they did not do adult things. They were irresponsible. They were unloving. They were unkind. They were cruel. They verbally abused all of their children to make themselves feel better. I guess all those things come under emotional work for my family. We all did that, all us children were victimized and used by adults who should have managed their own lives and their own emotions rather than using vulnerable, innocent little children to prop up their addicted and abusive lives.
I did so much emotional work for my family, that at a certain time in my life, as a young adult, I gave up on so much emotional work for them, my sister did that stuff, like going to family funerals and pretending to be happy. She was best friends to both my parents. I would not do that. I would never do that. I had to take care of myself as a child, I would never give myself away to them when they had given me nothing.
On another level, and for all time, I have been the one person in my family who hoped and wished for the best from all of them. Still, I work on healing my family and my family ancestral line through praying and through Reiki healing energy sessions for them. Those methods of healing them and helping them to heal are better than any other methods I have ever used.
It says this is my life, I have a right to my life, I am a healer, there is the whole world out there that I can help to heal, but I won’t give up my life to help you, It’s not my job or my destiny to heal you, that is your job and responsibility. I won’t let you cripple me. I will give to you what I decide to give, not what you demand of me. I won’t be your victim.
I won’t be their victim.