Emotional/Verbal Abuse is Abuse

I have expressed a hatred of teasing and emotional/verbal abuse to my parents and my siblings all of my life. My parents and some of my older siblings gave us children very abusive nicknames. Some were given to my older siblings when they were teenagers. Mine was given to me when I was three. My siblings around my age were given their nicknames when they were older children. Just based on the age when abusive nicknames were given,  you can see they started after mine in age and in time. I was named two nicknames filthy and abusive and my siblings had very less damaging and abusive nicknames and they were done when they were much older than I was

My mother, who I used to confront often on this issue, would gaslight me and say, well all your siblings have nicknames they don’t like either, like well they are all being treated like shit and I am normalizing shit, so you can’t complain and have no right to complain and have no rights  that you can appeal to, because this is normal, they are all treated like you are treated, it is not mistreatment, it is normal, it is okay, no one is going to stop. And if you want to stop them, if you want this to end, then what you have to do is not be hurt or complain or say anything. They are getting a reaction and that is why you are to blame for the perpetuation of their treatment of you. My mother was a master at blaming victims for being abused, even while she abused them.

When the only person that I could go to for relief from emotional and verbal abuse against me by my siblings was my mother, who was my sexual abuser and my emotional/verbal abuser and who encouraged and perpetuated sibling emotional and verbal abuse against me , that made life very hard for me. Still, I was very determined that they should stop and that I deserved better treatment by my siblings, that I persisted. I don’t know where I got this strong belief in myself and that I deserved good treatment, but I had it, all my childhood. I think that is very strong of me and I am very proud of myself.

I knew that I deserved better from them all, even though none of them agreed with me. I knew that none of them should be called nasty and vicious and filthy nicknames. Some of the nicknames were not very bad, compared to mine, though they were all emotional and verbal abuse.

I didn’t just ask my mother to intervene and stop abuse. I asked other siblings as well. I don’t recall any of them trying to stop.

I don’t remember ever asking my father to stop. I don’t believe that I thought that he would, since he was the one who gave me the nicknames and the one who spread it all around the family and who allowed it to continue without ever once commenting about it or ever once trying to stop it.

When I was ten years old my father retired and was at home all the time, all day long and all night long. That was when the two nicknames about me stopped. I know that he did nothing to stop it. I just think that having him around, as a witness, is what stopped others from abusing me as much as they were. I suppose it was a shock to him to see how bad it was, how much of a scapegoat that I was, and how much I was being verbally abused.

I know that he enjoyed mistreating others, especially with words, especially with his children, but the bad nicknames stopped. I don’t believe that he ever lifted a hand to stop it. In fact, he started verbally abusing my brother more directly, who is 18 months older than I, during that time period.

It’s hard when this is the closest man in your life; someone who cruelly enjoys mistreating you with words and mistreating your emotions. It’s horrible that this was the closest example of an adult man that I had. It’s sad and pathetic that this is the best that he could be for his own children. I didn’t have a male teacher in my life until sixth grade, and that was a physical education teacher who was verbally and emotionally abusive to students. So not a good man or a good human being either.

I never felt that my father was on my side. I never believed that he would protect me. never felt that he loved me, though there was a time in my childhood when he would say that, though that had been some time before that.

If only there had been one person in my family who loved me and was good to me through my childhood. That would have changed my life so much. But none of them were willing to stand up for me and to suffer the consequences. With my mother, there was always consequences. I know that I deserved their love and loyalty.

8 thoughts on “Emotional/Verbal Abuse is Abuse

  1. I am so proud of and impressed by your clarity about what was right and wrong, and what you deserved, even in such an unrelenting maelstrom of injustice and abuse. You deserved so much more, so much better. You deserved to be defended, cherished, and nurtured. It makes me very angry on your behalf that you didn’t have what you deserved, and that from your earliest days, you had to be your own parent and your own advocate.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi David,

      Thanks so much. It is so lovely to have someone else say these things to me, not just me saying it to myself and to ourselves.

      For the most part I don’t know where I got this sureness about myself, but I think that I always had that. I think that being intuitive played a part in that. When you know what others are really thinking and doing and planning it gives you advantage for coping with life when living in an alcoholic family system. I found out recently that my father’s ancestral line has a strong intuitive gift in it. 🙂

      I also think that I have a very old soul, though I don’t really believe in reincarnation and am rather comforted by the idea of only having to live one human life. I’ve been lucky that I always knew that I had a beautiful, wonderful soul, a wise soul, one to be very proud of. Maybe that is what I mean when I say that I have an old soul.

      I also think that knowing my guardian angel and knowing how wise, beautiful, and compassionate he was made a huge difference in my pre-school life. When an angel loves you and talks to you, well it makes you feel pretty damn special, and I did and I knew that I was. Without my intuitive gifts perhaps I never would have known of him, but I also knew to never share about my intuition or my guardian angel with my family. But my mother believed in guardian angels, bizarrely and she would talk of them, and I think that I would have tried to believe, even if I had not known for sure, just to feel cared for and guarded, cause I really needed to believe in someone who would love and protect me, especially since none of my family seemed to after I was five years old. Being loved by God and Jesus, though less substantial and less real, was also a huge part of my pre-school survival, clarity, and confidence.

      I knew what was right and what was wrong and would argue with my mother. I would tell her that her sexually abusing me was wrong. Her mother abusing her was wrong, not a method to normalize that she was sexually abusing me. I have memories of arguing and fighting with her even as a toddler. This is wrong. You are wrong. She was wrong. She did this all the time. She had a reason for everything. She normalized every cruelty, every abuse. And I was the crazy one, who should be locked away in a mental institution.

      If my family didn’t love me in any way that was loving, I am sure that I was loved by my ancestral line and that my connections to them and their connections to me was a huge part of my sureness, my moral center and ethical core, my belief in all that was good and kind. Perhaps they were a bigger part of my survival than I am now aware of. There are so many things that I don’t recall from that time period. They have communicated that though I may not be proud of my parents and especially not proud of my mother’s line of female sexual abusers, that I can be proud of my ancestral lines and that it is truly through them that I came into this world, not my parents. My father’s father had a good and sweet heart and I think that I have the same heart as him. My brother, who was a mother to me when I was a pre-schooler, had the same sweet heart.

      I think that strong connection to my family line, even though I might not have known of it at the time, grounded me to the earth and to myself and to reality and to a deep respect for myself and my beliefs that are beyond my parents, their parenting, my siblings and all the abuses they all put me/us through.

      Good and healing thoughts to you and to the queens and your mum.

      Kate

      Liked by 1 person

      • That is really fascinating…your sense of your ancestry. I have no trouble at all believing that you had a guardian spirit attending you and giving you the reassurance and love that you weren’t getting from your family in this life.

        I don’t really believe in reincarnation either, but I do believe in the eternal nature of energy. I think the best of the energies of your ancestors chose to manifest in you, in this lifetime.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hi David,

        “I think the best of the energies of your ancestors chose to manifest in you, in this lifetime.”

        Yes me too. When my grandfather, who passed years before I was born, contacted me recently he literally said, my heart is in your heart, your heart is my heart. I don’t think he was talking in a metaphor. My father was very intuitive and at least two of his children are as well. I look so much like my father’s mother and my mother’s father’s mother, both women who were not abusers and who were strong as steel and who gave so much to their children and wanted to bring so much love and healing into the world. It’s bizarre to me that both of them, at different times, lived and had children in my family line, from different lines, and yet had a similar look to them. So I look like both Rose and Paulina and think they have been involved in my whole lifetime.

        An intuitive, who I told that all my grandparents were dead, told me one of your grandmothers is very close to you and loves you very much. Do you know who I mean, and right away I said yes. It was not something new to me. Now I believe that it is both of them.

        I do really believe that my being a healer is from my family line. I do really believe that they want healing to come to all of us, including them. I’ve felt it all my life.

        My ancestor who nicknamed me little crow was an American Indian healer and he definitely guides me. He visits me and guides me in figuring out my healing work. Truly he is right, I just need to work on it and the process will teach me what I need to know. Do the work, the results will teach you what to do next. Yeah, do the work.

        My sister and I, both intuitive, were always strongly identified with American Indian ancestry, though that was hidden for generations, on both sides of my father’s ancestral lines. One was from a successful and wealthy English Captain who came to the colonies and his descendants intermarried with indigenous women, which became something not spoken of, (my father’s father’s line) and the other was from French Canadians who had intermarried with indigenous women and hid it when they emigrated to the USA, (my father’s mother’s line.) With a strong interest in genealogy, it was inevitable that it would not remain hidden from me for long. Though I really think that was my ancestors wanting to be honored, remembered, and included in our family communion and that they would have found a way. Even without any evidence my sister and I, in our own way, were in their drum circle, long before we knew the facts. My sister started collecting American Indian art. I pursued healing methods and being a healer. I also believe that our family intuition gifts are from these ancestral lines.

        I have done Reiki healing sessions for all of my direct ancestors, going back five generations. I did healing work for my ancestral line in a few different modalities so far. I finally decided more than a year ago to do Reiki healing energy sessions for each of my five generations of ancestors for one hour daily for 100 days in a row, each. It’s kind of a long-term project. 100 days of Reiki is a magical number of healing sessions that I decided on after several years of doing Reiki distance healing sessions, through trial and error. 100 days just feels right to me. The first generation was easy as pie, only two ancestors, but then it starts adding up, doubling each generation. 🙂 As I said a long-term project.

        I am on the fifth generation from me now, 32 ancestors, will be working on that for some time. I recently finished the fourth generation and around the same time was finally done with sessions for all my siblings and I felt a huge shift and knew that everything was changing and things would never be the same. Things seem a lot the same, but I know that is only the surface and that time will show how much this healing process will bring for me, my siblings, my parents and aunts and uncles and back into the generations. I believe that all their children, going back four generations and down their lines will benefit from this. I am hoping that it brings good things for all my relatives, even those I don’t know or know their names or even did a Reiki session for. I think this process has been me figuring out how to help heal my family line and my family, and that it was for my ancestors and my ancestral lines as well as those living. And figuring all that out started in the process of loving the queens and sending Reiki to Daria and Coppelia after they moved beyond their kitty bodies. I wouldn’t have guessed at the times that I would figure out how helpful and healing it could be to receive Reiki after death, but the girls sure taught me a lot. And totally appropo that cats should be the ones to help me to figure out my healing methods for healing work for my family lines. My connection to cats is also something I had since very young and another gift that I believe comes to me through my ancestral lines. Long response, sorry.

        Good and healing thoughts to you.

        Kate

        Liked by 1 person

      • Wow! That’s a fascinating story. I know a couple of energy healers who focus on ancestral healing, and it’s an incredibly powerful thing to do. Eventually for one of them, the process led her to healing the earth itself, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you have a similar path. You are a richly empowered soul, and your work here is so very important.

        All love and respect to you, warrior angel.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hi David,

        Thank you. Thank you so much.

        It’s hard for me because even among the Reiki folks that I know, I just don’t have any peers in my face to face life. (Well, that is sort of the story of my life, right there in a small capsule, at least that is what I have been talking about in therapy.) I think that an extrovert feels the need for others to guide them. At least I did.

        It’s become a real stumbling block for me, but like most things I have to just do things and figure it out and find my own way. And here is me all my life desperately wanting a teacher to come and be that for me. The truth is, and I’m just really assimilating this for myself, is that I’ve always desperately needed others and someone else, cause I just didn’t have the confidence to believe in myself. Eventually I got it, my Reiki guides and etc have all taught me that I learn by doing and I figure out my own life and healing work without the need for other people.

        So I do get feedback and support, just not in the way that I have always yearned for, face to face. So I guess it is obvious by now, I just don’t need that for what I am doing in my life right now, healing work.

        Hey, which reminds me, I wanted to let you know that if you leave a comment and I approve it and like it and don’t leave a comment, I just need some space to marinate and assimilate what you have written in order to respond to it. (Also I accidentally deleted the comment you made on my post about the electrical outage. I did leave a comment there for you, so you know it is there.)

        I do try really hard to assimilate supportive comments and yours are very specific and meaningful to me and us. I have accepted a number of things that you have written, it takes a while, and it means a lot that you see me like this. It is so lovely. I want so much to believe that I am that person that you see. I perhaps am that person. I think it’s definitely possible that I am the person you say that I am. I think that is wonderful. But it takes some time for me to take it all in. I don’t really share a lot about my healing work, especially my ancestral healing work, so feedback from you means a lot to us and is very healing. Most people don’t get it and don’t have a good frame of reference. Thanks for that.

        Good and healing thoughts to you and to your mum and the queens.

        Kate

        Liked by 1 person

      • On all counts: I understand, and it’s a great honor to be part of your process. I also know what it’s like to want a mentor/guide, only to realize over time that you yourself are the mentor/guide, and you may not be given the benefit of someone tangible and visible ahead of you on the path, carrying a lamp. It’s hard to learn to trust that you can assimilate a sort of collective guide from all the sources open to you. But like you, I really wanted an actual trustworthy person as my mage/wisewoman/whatever.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hi David,

        I have actually done some specific healing work on the earth, most notably in my hometown and when living in the other two states, for them as well. With my American Indian and Canadian Indian heritage healing work for the earth is a part of my dna. As well that is something that is taught in my Reiki healing tradition and something that is totally encouraged in that healing community. Thanks for the reminder; I have been meaning to focus on earth healing work and this is a good push to continue this.

        Thanks so much for your words, knowledge, perspective, and support.

        Good and healing thoughts to yous.

        Kate

        Liked by 1 person

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