Someone in my extended family died recently. Someone who never showed me an ounce of love, even when I was still a child. Someone that I have never loved. Someone who did country trips and refused to include me when I was a teenager, but she brought my brothers, so I was all alone at home with my parents. Someone who convinced her partner to not buy my younger siblings and I Christmas presents because there were too many of us in the family, but who still bought everyone in her side of the family presents, even though there was as many family members in her side of the family as in mine. Someone who I can’t recall of a moment of kindness or love that she ever exhibited to me. I saw her three years ago and I was happy to know that I did not have to have anything to do with her, her family, or her husband ever again. And I’m not sad. I’m not sad at all. Not one tear. Sometimes I have to wonder if I am empty of emotions, well definitely empty of emotions for some people and for many of the most egregious family members of mine.
Last night I found out that an online friend, Blah Polar, died. She died through suicide.
I thought that she was so incredibly wonderful and such an incredible writer and human being. I loved her writing ability. It just blew me away, as well as her courage and sense of humor in the face of her life and all that she dealt with.
She was one of those rare finds of mine, an online blog friend who found me, instead of me finding her. It was such a compliment to me that she found me, and my blog, and that she came back here over and over when I didn’t have much to give, because of my health issues, or a decent computer to write with.
I slowly got into her blog and her life and over time I really really found a lot of love for her. I looked forward to her stopping into my blog. She just made my day sometimes. I don’t think she knew that I loved her, how much she meant to me, and now how much that I miss her already. I started trying to tell her in the last few months, cause she was dealing with a lot with her mental health disease and I felt a need to tell her.
So in the past week I’ve faced feeling nothing and feeling sadness and painful loss. And I know which I prefer.
I prefer feeling sadness and painful loss, because that means that something beautiful and wonderful touched my heart, my soul, my mind, and my life, and that I have been changed by another person in a wonderful way and that I get to remember her and hold her in my heart and mind and soul forever.