I sort of slept most of yesterday. After spending a lot of hours with family on Sunday it was necessary. And then of course there was the mistake I made accepting a ride home from my verbal and sound abuser brother. Even though I stood up for myself and answered him back repeatedly and kept telling him to stop what he was doing and pick another topic, it still did not go well, in that he still hurt my feelings, judged me, yelled at me, and treated me in a manner that I would not even bother treating someone that I hate intensely.
Ahhh,family. The crap they put you through, even though you have spent decades doing intense and excruciating healing work.
I am happy to say that my oldest brother is dead, the abuser got what he deserved, an early death. I am happy to report that my second brother, another sexual abuser, is out of my life forever and has been for a very long time. I relish the memory of telling him that as far as I was concerned he was no longer my brother or relative and I never wanted to see him again and would no longer talk to him.
Then there is my third brother who I did cut out of my life for many years. I lost a lot during those years, a good chunk of his children growing up and a friendship with his then-wife. That is my loss to carry. I am happy to be connected to some of his adult children and their children now. It has been very restorative and healing to have them.
So I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for my third brother, even though he burned that up repeatedly by his rages. We had been associating with one another somewhat since he tried to make amends after all the crap he put me through when I lived with him in California about six years ago for five horrific months. And he had a lot to make up for!
But he never once admitted to how he treated me nor apologized nor asked for my forgiveness. He shows an appalling amount of accurate recall on a huge number of things, things he did as a teen and as an adult, even in the last few years. I can never guess if it is because he is just lying for kicks, cause he does that, or if he just toked too much for decades. If he can’t remember he insists that instead it is that I am just making things up, like his memory recall is better than others, even though there is no one in the family who would agree with him. He’s one of the reasons that I hate drama so much in my life.
So late Sunday night I was up late crying and lamenting to my sister over the phone about how much he hurt my feelings again, and how it makes me so mad that he can offer me a ride home but cannot be loving to me for 15-20 minutes and insults and demeans me, after I repeatedly refuse to argue politics with him. I got my sister out of bed to do so, and that wasn’t even the most horrible part. It’s that he still hurts my/our precious soft heart. I hate that so much about him, that I still love him and he still hurts me and it still makes me cry. We don’t want to have to stop being soft-hearted. I think it is one of the best parts of us. If my mother sexually offending against us and physically assaulting us and ritual abuse perpetrators could not get us to change our ways, why should we have to for him? For the time being we are resolved to be ourselves and keep him further away from us and not trust him with rides, cause then he has been alone and that is when he is at his worst.
I was pretty rung out from Sunday with him and Sunday night crying about him, so I sleep late, got up for a bit, and slept again in the afternoon. I was surprised to see that I was tired enough around nine thirty Monday night to be dozing off so I got ready for bed, fell asleep and woke up again after only two and-a-half hours sleep.
Actually more than 50% of my body levitated about six inches off the bed. There was an appalling noise that woke me up. It sounded like someone was stomping around in my bedroom. It had to be a very loud sound to be doing that, since I sleep with a loud fan on, which drowns out a lot of noise. And for a noise outside my apartment to sound like that, it had to be a very loud noise, since happily and luckily I was alone in my apartment. Then I heard screaming and shouting by at least two adults. Then huge banging and bumping noises and shouting and screaming that lasted for a few minutes. Then lots of shouting and hitting walls for some time. I did send them some Reiki during that time, it is a new coping thing that I have been trying to do. It helps me not to hate their raggedy asses. And I’m hoping sincerely that it will shut them up and make them want to stop arguing.
I didn’t go out to identify where it was coming from, but it sounds like the crazy, dysfunctional woman and her adult children across the hall and half an apartment down from where I live. They are crazy addicts and the smell of marijuana and the sound of their yelling conversations have often greeted me in the hallway, sometimes in my apartment as well. I was still trying to sleep, but eventually had to give up, cause I got too hot with the ac/dc off and I can’t sleep with it on or my sinuses get swollen and painful. So I had to get up and took a wonderful healing shower. Then I watched some funny tv stuff and am feeling better, though not tired, several hours later.
I guess I’ll do some more Reiki and then some more funny stuff, prob Seinfeld, as it is my go-to comedy stuff to watch. I love that show. Still my favorite and the funniest show, in my opinion. Then I’ll try to sleep some more, if I can. I’m seeing my sister for lunch and it would be nice to be awake for that. Toodles.