Camera/Photo Shy

I’ve always been camera/photo shy. I know the reasons why, I’ve always known. Being insulted and made fun of for my looks by my mother has made us with very low body self-esteem. We have worked long and hard on this issue, and I don’t think that I have gotten very far when it comes to assessing my face right now with any sense of accuracy or love or acceptance.

Unfortunately others have continued the verbal abuse over the years. I really don’t understand why someone would feel that it is their right to insult another person for any reason based on societal beauty standards or some males ideas about how a woman’s body should be. I tend to try to discount believing anyone who would be cruel to me.

Someone who I thought was one of my best online friends, not a blog friend, more than five years ago, could not find it within herself to say one nice or kind thing after I shared a photo of myself with her and she actually insulted me. I can’t begin to tell you how devastating that was for me. So I have even been more sensitive since then and would really try to avoid being on camera for any reason.I will have to say that she is the only friend that I have ever known, online and in real life, who ever chose to insult me like that.

I can’t imagine my best online friend Fish ever saying or doing something like that. But my friend Fish is so pure and so sweet I can never imagine her hurting me.

After all, if someone who says they love you and are your friend feels free to insult your looks, well that hurts and it hurts even more than if it was a stranger in public who is an ass. I think she realized that she had hurt me and her next email was to say that I actually, was not so bad. I can’t imagine how much I would have to hate someone to insult them directly about their facial features or body. I can’t imagine ever doing that. We stopped being friends not that long after that, for a huge number of reasons.

It’s bizarre because now I can look at my childhood photos and see that I was indeed pretty, beautiful even. And I can see that in photos from twenty years ago. I can see that I am pretty.

I still have trouble really seeing myself accurately now, but I hope that changes for the better as I continue to heal. My great niece always wants to take a photo of me at family gatherings and a lot of the time I say no. I let her do it a few times a year. She messages me copies. It disgusts me. I hate each and every one of them. I’m not sure if I still am laboring under body dysmorphic issues or if I have really gotten ugly. I think it is that I still have body dysmorphic disorder and cannot see myself accurately.

I don’t think that I am pretty. I don’t think that I am tolerable. But fuck pretty. I won’t live the rest of my life pursuing pretty or those who think that is what I need to be and who are hateful when they think I don’t measure up to their invented standards.

I insist that my value and my treatment not be based on my looks or my body and I reject anyone who feels the need to do so. And I know that those who love and value my personality, my good qualities, my soul, my goodness and kindness would never judge me by my face, would never hurt or wound me on purpose. I find that comforting.

6 thoughts on “Camera/Photo Shy

  1. Yep. I can’t imagine ever not being camera-shy, and I have had many, many friends make unfortunate comments about how I look in photos, though they don’t seem to mind how I look in person most of the time. I think I’m not photogenic, but I’m also quirky-looking, and it’s a really bad combination in this day and age when people tend to form an opinion right off the bat based on a two-dimensional image.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi David,

      I’m sorry that you have gone through that, comments from friends can be very hurtful. I really don’t think that someone’s personal looks should be cause for evaluating a person, as though our bodies say something essential about our inner selves. My mother bullied me repeatedly about my looks, so I am very sensitive to this subject.

      My ex-friend, I think, had some issues that were the cause of her response. She had been overweight and had lost it, her abuser had been very obese, like my mother, and my photo showed me being overweight. The photo I shared showed me when I weighed more, some time ago. I didn’t think about the weight issues, but now I do think that it played a part in her response. I don’t wear makeup of any kind, and had dark under my eyes due to lack of sleep and insomnia, and she dressed up a lot more than I did. And I think that was important to her.

      I didn’t even think about possible reasons, I was just hurt. I had hoped that since I had shared so much with her, and we were friends that she would give me a kind reply. I am reminded of what Maya Angelou said, when someone tells you who they are, believe them. I think that I should have thought about that in advance, but I didn’t. I didn’t. I loved her and I tried to put my trust in her. In some ways, I blame myself since then for sharing with her. I know, that is what my mother would try to teach me all the time, that everything was my fault. And in some ways, still, and lots of the time I still blame myself as my default setting.

      I am okay that she gave me that kind of response, but also I realize that she made me shy and more uncomfortable in and about my body and I know that I am not over that. Still I am not over tons of other insults and bullying incidents, and will continue on nonetheless.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Love yourself for who you are (you are a unique and wonderful person as we all are), expect other to do the same and tell them to f**k off if they won’t! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi,

      I’m okay with where I am in my healing process. It still needs some significant tweaking, but again, I am okay with not having complete control of my life, though I doubt that I will ever have iron fisted control, even over my own life.

      I do tell people to fuck off, literally, but it doesn’t seem to be working for me. They don’t go away. I am still working on how to deal with jerks, cause it still needs to need some tweaking. But I have discovered that there are tons of jerks out there and that they will come into my life. I try to keep them traveling in the other direction as quickly as possible.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

      Liked by 1 person

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